Death My mum died last night

[barefoot]

It’s been almost 10 weeks since my mum died.

I am still avoiding thinking of her.

When she pops into my mind, the thought is so fleeting...a thought or memory or image is there but then it disappears in a flash. It’s like water. It’s impossible to grab on to and keep hold of. I don’t especially mind as I think it’s probably easier not thinking of her. But it feels strange to not feel that I have any control over it - because when she pops into my head and then disappears in an instant, it doesn’t feel like I consciously make that happen. It just happens and it’s gone again.

There are a few things I think about a lot - many times a day. But they are more about her death rather than her.

I think they are maybe intrusive thoughts?

They are:

- my mum getting up from her chair that night to go to the loo. My sister going to ask if she’s ok because she’d been gone a while. My sister getting no answer then opening the bathroom door and finding my mum dead. My sister shouting to my dad who drags my mum onto the hall floor while my sister calls 999 and my dad then following instructions and doing CPR, trying to save her. Paramedics turning up. The police arriving. My young niece waking up, getting out of bed and standing at the top of the stairs watching grandma laying on the floor surrounded by paramedics and police and machinery.
It’s like watching a film that I’m sort of in and sort of watching at the same time, even though I wasn’t there and didn’t see it. My dad told me everything that happened in a lot of detail and I guess I know the house and people well so I suppose it is easy to imagine.
This film has been playing over and over in my head for almost 10 weeks and it’s becoming really exhausting...

- my partner’s face and voice as she handed me the phone that morning when my dad rang. She was crying and looked distraught as she came in the room. I wondered what the hell had happened and tried to wake myself up. I thought it was going to be terrible news about someone she knew. She handed me the phone and I thought she wanted to talk to someone for her because she couldn’t. And then she said, “Your mum’s died baby.” And it felt like it took an hour for me to move the phone from her hand to my ear and say hello to my dad.

- my GP telling me what happened to my mum physically when she died when I showed him the exact cause of death. He seemed shocked. He just kept shaking his head and repeatedly saying that it was “catastrophic”. That there would have been so much blood flooding intoher heart. That it was like she had been stabbed in her heart. I wanted him to stop talking but I couldn’t speak. And I can’t stop hearing it.

I think I’m losing a lot of time to getting lost in these thoughts. It’s just the same things playing on repeat...it feels like they are exactly the same each time and I don’t know how to stop them...they seem to have to run right through to the end? But maybe I am dissociating through them or something..hence I feel there but not really there and I can’t seem to stop them.

Does anyone have any advice?
I really want to be able to stop these thoughts. I thought (hoped!) they would just ease off by themselves but they don’t seem to be at all. It’s horrible.

ETA: having thought about this post on the train since writing it, maybe I should share the above my my T? I have been feeling very clear that I don’t want/need to talk about my mum in sessions...that I don’t have anything to say about it...and that I haven’t been able to see how it would help. But I suppose if I’m having regular intrusive thoughts that are impacting me hard, it’s maybe stupid of me not to mention them to her?

I just don’t want to get upset in front of my T. I don’t know why that feels so important but composure feels crucial.

 

[scout86]

Talking able it with your T seems like a good idea. First, because I think it will help to talk through all this with someone who's not directly affected by your mom's death. Second, all of this is affecting you, now. (normal and to be expected) That's going to affect what goes on in your therapy sessions and your T as know what you're thinking.

Is it especially important you nut get upset in front of your T? It might be helpful to talk about that too.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think you are still processing the loss of your mother and the manner in which she died. It certainly sounds like intrusive thoughts but please remember you are still grieving. Grief takes it's own time.

I would definitely mention these recurring thoughts to your T - just so she is aware of how much is going on outside of therapy... It's important she understands how much stress you are feeling before she adds any more by returning to your ptsd etc.

As I have mentioned before our imaginations are often much worse than the real event.

I think the fact that your gp mentioning the word 'catastrophic' - means that no intervention was likely to stop what happened. In a weird sort of a way - that should be a comfort. It means that nobody is at fault, nobody didn't act fast enough, nobody should have done something that wasn't done.

It's terrible it happened at all - but it's nothing anyone could have predicted or prevented. I hope you understand what I mean. :hug:

 

[Lionheart]

My sister died 3 and 1/2 weeks ago. We were very close and I sometimes have intrusive thoughts about her because I took care of her for the last month or so before she passed away.

Her cognitive abilities failed her during the last month of her life. I mean she barely knew the difference between beans and apple butter. Thoughts of that intrude into my mind at the worst times. I hated to see her health decline, basically watching her die.

I have found that I can just allow the thoughts to happen and they diminish, but this may not work for you, I don't know. I guess I am lucky in that respect.

Still, I can relate to the pain and sorrow you must be feeling. Someone told me grief is love with no place to put it. But the love goes out to you and your mum, this is where the love belongs., so there is a place to put it.

Anyways, my heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a way to make the intrusive thoughts stop. Do talk to a therapist or counselor and please keep us updated.

my best to you,
Lion

 

[barefoot]

I did tell T about the intrusive thoughts...I got slightly upset/teary describing them, then a bit dissociated and I’ve felt pretty spacey since.

@scout86 - she knows that composure is very important to me and I’ve told her quite a few times that I don’t want to get upset in front of her and she always just says “I know...” and smiles very kindly. She is very kind and patient. I think I find “being seen” so hard and anxiety-making and I think she knows that...I don’t really know what the answer is to that...

@blackemerald1 - T said we need to explore where I am in relation to my mum’s passing before we go back and start digging around in our previous trauma-related contexts, so I think you and her are on the same page there in terms of not adding more ptsd stressors while this is unexplored/unprocessed etc.

And yes, you are right...it was a “good death” for my mother - catastrophic meaning it was instant, so she would not have suffered, would not have known what was happening and we all know nothing could have been done to save her (I know that, before the coroner’s report, my poor dad was convinced that he hadn’t done CPR right and that he perhaps could have saved her but he did it wrong). So, knowing this is a comfort in some ways. But the deep shock of it when it was so sudden, so unexpected, no warning or time to prepare at all...that really has shaken us all to the core, I think...

@Lionheart777 - I so appreciate you taking the time to write when I know you are having such a difficult time at the moment. I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for your kind words and thoughts. My heart goes out to you too...I’m sorry this is so painful.

 

[blackemerald1]

But the deep shock of it when it was so sudden, so unexpected, no warning or time to prepare at all...that really has shaken us all to the core, I think...

^^ I get the sense that you are a very dignified person and it would be unseemly in your eyes to show your T how bad you feel right now.

I can understand not wanting to release this grief and shock on your relatives because they are probably busy processing it all themselves and adjusting to no longer having a significant person (your mother) in their lives actually living with them.

Please don't underestimate your grief too... being stoic and reserved has it's place but sometimes it can harm us.

I'm pleased your T wants to stay with your present daily events. :hug:

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @blackemerald1 Yes...dignity is important to me.
So, yes...losing composure and getting messy in front of someone feels undignified and out of control.

And I suppose there is probably also an element of me feeling...I don’t know....some sort of fear myself about expressing those feelings...even if I am alone.

 

[blackemerald1]

fear myself about expressing those feelings.

^^Fear is a big inhibitor - it plays right into our ptsd brains.

I'd suggest you explore fear of emotions and fear of telling and fear of expressing - emotions.

:hug:

 

[Freida]

It will take as long as it takes.... and thats OK.
I was thinking about the cards ... maybe you could put them all in a box and add things that remind you of your mom and run across them? Then you could open it when you are ready - a year, a decade, whatever. It might help knowing you can come back to it?

my poor dad was convinced that he hadn’t done CPR right and that he perhaps could have saved her but he did it wrong).

Please tell your dad he didn't do it wrong. The way the medical cards are written you can't screw it up. The instructions are different than the ones you learn in a classroom - specifically because they are done over the phone to people who are trying to follow them at the worst moment of their lives. That means if he is reviewing it in his head he did exactly what he was supposed to.

And chances are he doesn't even remember talking to the dispatcher or he can't remember doing what she told him to do. That's all ok too. We take all that into account while giving the instructions. Give him a big hug from all of us on this side of the phone and tell him how sorry we are for both of you and that there is no need to blame himself.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry, I think I lost track of this thread...I just came here to update it and saw I had a couple of posts that I didn’t respond to. Will do so in a bit...

It’s been four months since my mum died. The intrusive thoughts I mentioned above have lessened. My anxiety was sky high last month, I think that’s because I was so focused on Christmas. I was dreading it and just wanting it to be over. All I could think about was that I had to hold it together and power through Christmas until it was done.

As it turned out, it went ok. It was the right decision to have my family come to stay with me and my partner for a few days, I think. Going to theirs this year and trying to recreate Christmas in the same way as always but without my mum there would have felt too hard. We all managed to stay outwardly pretty buoyant throughout...

Since Christmas, my anxiety has settled down, thankfully. At least now the constant pressure of “I’ve just got to get through Christmas” has gone.

I’m still deliberately not thinking about her. I don’t want to think about her. I don’t want to talk about her. But, at the same time, I feel on the verge of tears a lot at the moment. Small things make me well up. Even things that are nothing to do with my mum. So, I don’t know if by somehow not engaging/trying to stop the feelings is making the feelings worse somehow, underneath?

I'd suggest you explore fear of emotions and fear of telling and fear of expressing - emotions.

The thought of that feels overwhelmingly huge and terrifying!
Do you mean work on that with my T?
I would have no idea of where to start with that...though I guess that is maybe her job…?

I was thinking about the cards ... maybe you could put them all in a box and add things that remind you of your mom and run across them?

I did end up putting all the cards in a box, along with a ring that was my mum’s. They’re all in a drawer. I can’t bring myself to look at any of it now. But I wanted to keep them.

Please tell your dad he didn't do it wrong.

Thank you @Freida - I did my best to reassure him at the time but I don’t think he was really able to take it in. But as soon as the coroner said it would have been instant and that nothing could have been done - and that even if a doctor had been there at the time, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything to save her - I think that was a huge weight off his mind.

I am quite surprised that my dad hasn’t latched on to trying to blame my Mum’s GP. I found out after she died that that week she had felt unwell. As in, she felt a bit viral and very tired. I can’t remember if I’ve already said this, so apologies if I’m repeating myself. None of my family thought is was anything serious and neither did she, but she felt unwell enough to go to the doctors. I don’t know what happened in that consultation - what exploration the GP did etc - but the GP cheerily told her not to worry...that she wasn’t about to have a heart attack or a stroke or anything. A few days later, she was dead. Massive heart attack. After she died, my dad phoned the surgery to let them know. The receptionist passed on the message to the GP. The GP then called my dad but we were out looking at venues for the wake. I heard the voicemail message he left. His voice was trembling all over the place as he said how sorry he was to hear the news. My dad commented on the doctor’s voice shaking and seemed to take it as evidence that he really cares about his patients. I’m sure he does care about his patients. I also think he was probably really shitting himself because he’d got it so wrong. My dad is still seeing him as his GP. I find that totally baffling.
I’m trying not to think about it too much.

 

[blackemerald1]

Do you mean work on that with my T?

Yes..

I guess that is maybe her job…?

Yes.

I have found that I can just allow the thoughts to happen and they diminish,

This is really effective if you can manage it. I am being taught this right now. It apparently get's easier with practice. Have you tried this?

Very pleased you got through such a difficult Christmas barefoot!! You are very strong. :hug:

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the support and encouragement @blackemerald1

As for allowing thoughts to happen and then they diminish...although I realise I am avoiding thinking/talking about her, because it is upsetting (so therefore I guess I am not exactly allowing thoughts to happen”), when thoughts of her do pop into my head, they seem to just evaporate very quickly. The thought is there...and, in a flash, it is gone. That doesn’t feel like something I’m consciously doing - I don’t think I am deliberately making the thought stop and go away. It just seems to really quickly slide out of my head. And then I just feel a bit numb, a bit trancey and it all then feels a bit surreal and intangeable. Perhaps this is some level of dissociation?