Death My mum died last night

[scout86]

I was going to "like" that, until I got to the part where you're feeling so bad physically. You don't HAVE to host Christmas, it's an option. Maybe your dad or sister will have another idea. You have a couple months anyway.

Meanwhile, I hope you get to feeling better soon. (Possibly stress related?)

 

[Abstract]

Isnt it interesting how our bodies express things for us. : ( Sorry you are hurting. Its normal to hurt but that doesnt make it any better. Glad your father didn't insist on doing the usual. Your home so you have the power to make it feel as different as you want.

 

[barefoot]

Yes @scout86 I think the physical symptoms are stress/grief-related.
As @Abstract says, our bodies find ways to express things...

I think us hosting Christmas is probably the best thing. Partly because of this, I think:

Your home so you have the power to make it feel as different as you want.

I think it will feel easier being in my space with more control over what we’re doing when and how we will cook dinner etc.

Plus, we have cats who everyone in the family loves so they will hopefully be a useful distraction. It isn’t about making everything different to try to pretend Mum isn’t here and everyone’s fine...it’s more about feeling that, trying to recreate the same Christmas we’ve had all our lives where every tiny thing will be an association with her and a reminder that she isn’t here, just sounds like it could be relentlessly heart-breaking.

People have stopped texting. I was getting lots of messages from friends up to the funeral, asking how I was, saying to let them know if there was anything they could do, saying how awful it was and what a big shock it must have been... And now there’s silence.

People say that it’s worse after the funeral because people stop getting in touch...
And then, knowing that, they still stop getting in touch with people themselves after a funeral!

I don’t really know what to do with myself. I haven’t got much on work-wise at the moment. The weather’s horrible, so I’m not really wanting to go out for walks etc. I could do with doing some exercise because I know I’ve put on weight but the thought of going to the gym while my entire body hurts is...ugh! I’m watching daytime TV. Jeez...!

 

[Deanna]

Yes @scout86 I think the physical symptoms are stress/grief-related.
As @Abstract says, our bodies find ways to express things...

I could do with doing some exercise because I know I’ve put on weight but the thought of going to the gym while my entire body hurts is...ugh! I’m watching daytime TV. Jeez...!

Going to the gym will not be easy at first, but as a week goes by.. You're body will start to crave exercise. Go! It will make you feel better!

 

[Teasel]

Maybe a walk in nature rather than the gymn?

 

[barefoot]

@berlinda - that sounds much more appealing. Torrential rain and battering winds at the moment here, which will hopefully subside sometime soon...

 

[barefoot]

Lately, I keep thinking about how Mum died and feeling a mixture of guilt and relief that I wasn’t there.

Mum had felt a bit unwell...tired and a bit viral for a few days. My sister and niece live with my parents And, the night she died, she and my dad had nodded off in front of the tv as usual. My sister was doing something in the kitchen. My niece was in bed asleep.

Mum woke up and left the room to go to the loo. She didn’t come back straightaway. After about 15 mins my sister went to ask if she was ok. She called through the door to her. No answer. She could see the light was still on in there so she opened the door. And she found my mum, dead.

She called out to my dad, they phoned for an ambulance, the operator talked my dad through giving her CPR until the paramedics arrived and took over. No one could save her...the coroner’s report days later revealed that she had a massive heart attack. The effects were catastrophic. Death would have been instant. She would not have suffered nor known what was happening. It wouldn’t have mattered if a doctor had been there right at the time it happened. Nothing could have been done.

I keep thinking of my poor sister finding her. She’d gone to check on her, expecting to say she had a tummy ache or else to find that she’d just gone upstairs to bed.
It must have been so shocking and terrifying.

Then, my poor dad dragging her out into the hallway, giving CPR for the first time in his life, trying to save her and worrying that he wasn’t doing it right.

My niece being woken up by all the commotion and standing at the top of the stairs, seeing Grandma laying on the floor surrounded by paramedics and police.

It’s so shocking and horrifying and traumatic. And I feel those things even though I wasn’t there. I can’t stop thinking about how awful it must have been for my family to witness.

And I feel both relieved and guilty that I was spared that.

 

[Teasel]

I can relate @barefoot - was there with my Dad when he died as we knew it was coming. But I slept through most of his last 2 hours on a recliner seat by his bed in the Hospice. From what my brother says the last 2 hours were pretty horrific.

I readily confess I'm glad I didn't witness that.

I admire the way you're dealing with this barefoot x

 

[barefoot]

Sorry to hear you can relate @berlinda ...sorry to hear about your dad ?

I’m glad I didn’t see my mum either - that I don’t have that as my lasting image. But I feel bad because...I wasn’t there to share the burden. Not that it would have been any less horrifying or traumatic for the others if I had been there...but it feels unfair that I escaped what they could not.

 

[Teasel]

I understand x

 

[littleoc]

Having heard about someone you love going so suddenly is traumatic in itself. So it is okay that you’re having a hard time with the information. Don’t compare it to others if you can help it. :hug:

So sad to hear about your niece.

Sometimes a walk in the rain can sometimes be nice, once the winds calm down. I might be saying that because I have waterproof pants though :P Hooefully it’ll get gentle out there for you

 

[blackemerald1]

@barefoot - sometimes our imaginations are totally our worst enemies.

Yes it would have been very bad for your sister, father and niece and I don't diminish their experience.

However at times, when we imagine the scenario it just gets bigger and bigger and we create a horrific experience which is way worse than reality. Remember that as you empathise with their experience.

You know sometimes we are spared terrible experiences and that's a good thing.