Death My Sister Died Last Night

[recoveringfromptsd]

Just went thru my core values list, and surprised to find that most of the entries I can attribute to the event at age 5. instead of 1977-78 what an eye opener. It am beginning to discover the 1977-78 stuff took away my hope and remaining trust, and re enforced things from earlier to the degree I am now.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

@recoveringfromptsd :hug:
You are doing some really hard work internally, that will hopefully uncover not only trauma, but possibly show you that you DO have strengths that you haven't been aware of. That is what I am hoping and praying for you anyway.

It takes courage to choose to dig deep into your psyche, and I believe you have a LOT of courage! You have made it this far in life and that says a lot about you. I have heard something that goes like this..."living life is not about how many times you fall, but in how many times you choose to get back up."

You took care of your sister, and that required love and compassion. The depth of the love and loss you feel prove that you loved her deeply.

The people that did things to you, or allowed things to happen that hurt you, and permanently injure parts of your soul, didn't kill the core of who you are. You still have the ability to care for others, even if there are very few people who can be trusted. It is not your fault that the world hasn't been a safe place for you. YOUR HEART is good and that is what counts the most.

You could have become a mean, evil, and hateful person, but you are none of those things! Your sister knew that you loved her, I am sure! You have your cat, who comforts you when needed. Animals judge people quite well, so that tells me you are good.

I am just trying to point out that you DO have good qualities, even if you don't see them yourself. Hopefully, by doing the work of EMDR, your inner self will see the good in you that was NOT taken away. I would think that any part of you that could possibly be hurt, you learned to hide it away, under the pain, so that it could remain safe. That is normal, and the right thing to do.

As I think about the "name" that you chose for your title here...."recovering from PTSD"...I wonder if that can be your motto, or your goal. I would like to think so. It's obvious from the way you "talk" that when you decide to do something, you do it with ALL your might! I can be, and will be, a cheerleader for you!!!

We are fairly close in age, and depending on our physical health, we could live another 10 to 20 years. I stay in therapy, hoping that I will be less miserable in the coming years, than I have been in most of my previous years.

I haven't LOOKED as miserable as I have felt (out and about where people are) because I didn't want people to know how sad I really was. I put on a good front, but in my alone time, I have wanted to just fade away....

Now, I am choosing to be "authentic", whatever that is, in ALL areas of my life. Rather than hiding in my isolation, I want to attempt to get out of my own way, and possibly find some good things. I want to see what else is out there.
No relationships that could be called romantic....(puke) but maybe a few more friends. Maybe just experiences, so I can say I tried. I don't have anything to lose!

I am telling you all this just to let you know that I see that you might have possibilities beyond not being as miserable as you are....I am here so you'll have company, here anyway, along this EMDR, etc., journey.

Have a good night. I hope I didn't ramble on too much.:)

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

It's obvious from the way you "talk" that when you decide to do something, you do it with ALL your might!

Actually now that I am in treatment that is trauma based I did decide like you say, except I decide to give it my all with the single goal of breaking apart my situational hypervigilance but in that decision I also decided if I am abandoned in the process, or it fails, to end it all once and for all. So in many ways my T's are saving a life literally, my main one knows this. And the doc at SP figured it out last year she called it being passively suicidal because it exists almost all the time where I tolerate the moment and don't act but would like to if situations pushed me there.

RAMBLE, no, you did not, but if you did, who cares, rambling on this site is GOOD, and should be encouraged.

I am encouraged by my last session on the emdr protocol, I have been trying to cope with it since, but the fact that I have to is a good sign of progress with the EMDR protocol.

I am beginning to learn other things, the 15 years I went without meds and was a functional hypomanic, I found before I went to SP stopping meds to get manic was the only way I could cope with the ptsd until I was admitted. And before that 15 years I was on medication and was in the hospital a lot for S/I, and I am now realizing that back then the meds worked (they thought they might not have) but also left me with dealing with my ptsd mentally, thus the S/I. When I went off them for 15 years and was hypomanic I drove everyone nuts from it, but the s/i was not a problem because of the mania.

I knew back then I have cycles twice a year, and climate is a factor, I am now just realizing that hypomanic is my baseline outside of those cycles.

But now that I am in trauma treatment I prefer to stay on the meds and not be manic at all. And its essential I don't as being manic to cope also masks what is being treated and prevents the emotions from being experienced which is part of the healing. And being manic clouds my thinking clearly, which would make it harder to do EMDR.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ On friday, I had to do something that was very painful to do, that brought up a lot of emotions. I had to go to DSS (in 1977-78 DSS sanctioned and allowed my abuse), very hard, had a lot of emotions afterward.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Today is becoming a really bad day, last friday I went to DSS for assistance which is hard for me to begin with being DSS somewhere else was a key player in enabling and condoning my abuse in 1977-78, so I had to use some dbt skills to overcome my emotions just being there, today I had DBT and my homework was on skills dealing with that visit to dss. This was very triggering, I was crying before I could even go over my homework, and going over it was extremely hard. Since I have been doing nothing but thinking, now I am depressed about it, because my thoughts have gone to the abuse back then and how dss did not protect me. I have been having some thoughts that lean toward s/i which I have been resisting, but struggling more not giving into s/h urges to numb my pain.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @recoveringfromptsd ))):hug:
You are NOT alone! You have been getting stronger and stronger, but taking a few steps backwards is NORMAL, and OK! I know how it feels to have to literally GO TO the building/people who were responsible for SO much pain in your life. :banghead::banghead::banghead:

You are feeling the only thing that you know how to feel in that situation! I am SO SORRY that you have had to do this, when you have been doing better that you thought you would...just from what I have learned about you by reading what you have shared. These feelings WILL pass! You ARE an OVERCOMER! I know it doesn't feel that way right now...I wish I could help in a tangible way. I am sending you "virtual hugs"...:hug:...and am praying that some different thoughts will spring up, out of the pain caused by the past few days.

I am learning to think of overwhelming feelings as resembling a whirlpool in a river, that can suck us down, down, down, BUT if we FIGHT the current, we can get back up to the TOP of the swirling "water" of our emotions, and SEE the sky, and grab onto a branch, figuratively speaking...That branch can be your T, or even me, if you want to choose to reach towards someone who believes in YOU!!! You WILL, and ARE winning this war!!! Battle by battle, you ARE GETTING BETTER!!!

Can you get your cat, and stroke it's fur, scratch it's back, hear it purr, maybe even use a toy it like to play with? Anything to change up your senses, even just a bit?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Good morning, (((@recoveringfromptsd )))
I hope you were able to get grounded during the evening/night. My thoughts and prayers are with you, as you ARE recovering from the past few days. I have faith in YOU and your strength, because I have been "following you" through the past few months as you have been fighting to stay in this battle of, and FOR, your life! You have made it farther than I think you thought you could, and that shows me how very strong that you are!

I know it's hard to think that you are going to survive when the struggle is so fierce, dark, and consuming! Our battles aren't the same, but I feel that on some level, there is a level of understanding that we share, having fought the desire to leave the world for so long, and often. We survive, one day at a time, and sometimes, one minute, or breath at a time...

Keep up the fight!!!:hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ It's getting more complex that the issues and triggers, I am just discovering that I am in the middle of a severe bi-polar cycle which is affecting me mood wise on top of dealing with these emotions (emotions and being down are a bad combination), I am thankful it is not worse, as I am on meds, if I am getting this while on meds, I am absolutely sure without meds it would as bad as it was last june when I ended up in hospital.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Thank you for the update! I had a thought...we "talked" about the "container tool" (not sure what else to call it) and I wondered if it would help to visualize a person "virtually" standing by you, or with you against the onslaught of bad emotions and being down? Maybe, since we have formed a friendship bond, you could visualize me, standing by you as you fight this battle? I'm thinking pretty "outside the box", so forgive me if this is a bit too weird.

You could picture me, as a friend, as a cheerleader standing at the "door" of your mind, helping shield you from the negative emotions, and/or memories? Just a thought as to how to help you through the window of my own experiences. Even if you would choose angels standing around you, like the wagon trains protected the settlers back in the 1800's.

If nothing else, maybe this will make you smile! I am VERY glad that you ARE on meds, and that it is not as bad as it was in June.

Blessings and good thoughts being sent your way!
AKJ

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Actually I learned long ago to recognize the symptoms from bi-polar which is half the battle. Because knowing that's what is in play helps me try to keep emotions from anything else from modulating the symptoms thus making the mood or emotional state worse. sort of like ignoring the emotions and mood knowing it will pass.

It's the downs that get me into trouble, I understand that's the case with most bipolars. When I do get into trouble it's hard for the professionals to deal with because my symptoms can go from mania to depression with in an hour. In fact yesterday and last night I swung both ways at least 3 times. Of bipolars I am in that subgroup called rapid cyclers, and in a subgroup of that called ultracadian rapid cycler, meaning my switches can occur in a very short time in my case in less than an hours time. It drives docs crazy because they can tell if its my swing or the medicine that makes the change.

Being on the meds I am able to manage this. But I need to be careful.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Doing a lot better today, mood changes not as bad as the last few days.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: @recoveringfromptsd :hug:
YES!!! AWESOME!!! You are SO resilient and persistent in your pursuit of recovery! That IS the KEY to winning the battle for health and life! I am happy to be cheering you on!

I am celebrating with you as you have had a GOOD day, the first one to shine a light on your tomorrows!

Whether or not you have any "down" times, which does happen on the journey to recovery, you have proof that you can expect MORE good days!

THANK YOU for sharing the good news!