General Worries about my sister's future and homelessness

[LeiaFlower]

Yeah I know my family has reached a breaking point and I get it this situation hasn't been easy. My sister certainly doesn't make it easy, she can be really abusive. But I also know she's struggling and isn't mentally well. I am more functional than her and that's an important distinction to me. I'm trying to plan for the future and as things are now her future is being homeless. That is preventable.

You’re definitely in a tough situation, Strongshadow96. Even if she does become homeless it is not your fault nor your burden to carry. You can help by providing her the tools to get herself out of the hole but you can not join her. It’s like the drowning scenario. You first have to help yourself before you help someone else. Even if you’re high functional that does not mean you can trigger yourself and add unneeded stress by retaking the caretaker role for your sister. That’s the equivalence to just being released from the hospital with pneumonia and attempting to run a marathon. Your body will give up due to still being in recovery.

Help her by teaching her to help herself. Especially if she is coherent enough to take previous advice and to attend outpatient.

 

[strongshadow96]

You’re definitely in a tough situation, Strongshadow96. Even if she does become homeless it is not your fault nor your burden to carry. You can help by providing her the tools to get herself out of the hole but you can not join her. It’s like the drowning scenario. You first have to help yourself before you help someone else. Even if you’re high functional that does not mean you can trigger yourself and add unneeded stress by retaking the caretaker role for your sister. That’s the equivalence to just being released from the hospital with pneumonia and attempting to run a marathon. Your body will give up due to still being in recovery.

Help her by teaching her to help herself. Especially if she is coherent enough to take previous advice and to attend outpatient.

Thank you LeiaFlower for listening and offering your advice. It really is a tough situation to navigate. No solution is right. At times it feels impossible. It's hard to imagine how I'll find peace in this situation. I'm really scared for my sister, but I have hope. I'll do what I can to make it through this.

 

[Friday]

No solution is right. At times it feels impossible.

The best of bad choices? Seeeeeriously sucks.

When I’m in that position? I USUALLY choose the one I feel strong in admitting to / owning up to / defending. Yep. It was a shitty thing to do. And here is why I did it. Whether you agree it was the best choice, or not? It was the best I could think of. Because here is why everything else was worse.

 

[strongshadow96]

The best of bad choices? Seeeeeriously sucks.

When I’m in that position? I USUALLY choose the one I feel strong in admitting to / owning up to / defending. Yep. It was a shitty thing to do. And here is why I did it. Whether you agree it was the best choice, or not? It was the best I could think of. Because here is why everything else was worse.

Right now I'm thinking I'm going to have to call a lawyer to see what rights my sister has and how to enforce them. As far as I know it's illegal to kick someout without notice or time to find another place to be. If my mom wants her gone she will have to evict her properly. If I have to use this card my family will turn against me. It's not like that would destroy me, they are very toxic and I am very low contact with them anyway, they are still my family and it would still hurt on a biological level. It's the only solution that makes sense, so it's worth it.

 

[Movingforward10]

Right now I'm thinking I'm going to have to call a lawyer to see what rights my sister has and how to enforce them. As far as I know it's illegal to kick someout without notice or time to find another place to be. If my mom wants her gone she will have to evict her properly. If I have to use this card my family will turn against me. It's not like that would destroy me, they are very toxic and I am very low contact with them anyway, they are still my family and it would still hurt on a biological level. It's the only solution that makes sense, so it's worth it.

I wonder about this. Just because getting lawyers in is very costly and not a quick fix.
They can just say she can't return. It's not like she has a formal rental contract. Whilst obviously awful, I can't see that it is illegal? (But I don't know the laws where you are).

I wonder if this is a drive for you to fix things, and sadly, I think this comes back to you not being responsible, or have the means, to fix things. You can't make them be the people you want.

Honestly, when I realised that (and it took me until I was in my 40's), it helped A LOT. Because me trying to fix things , didn't fix things. It just made my family come to me and stop them taking responsibility for their decisions and situation, which all continued and infarct got worse. Me stepping back: sure things were a shit show. But things were a shit show anyway. I hope you can find some relief in giving yourself a break.

It's obviously entirely up to you, but it seems to be the best way is going to find some professional support, ime. Housing, for your sister. Is there no step down mental health hostel or something for her? No homeless housing for her?
Your family won't be the answer.

 

[Ecdysis]

I wonder about this. Just because getting lawyers in is very costly and not a quick fix.
They can just say she can't return. It's not like she has a formal rental contract. Whilst obviously awful, I can't see that it is illegal? (But I don't know the laws where you are).

I agree that a lawyer is unlikely to help with this specific question. Cos even if there was some kind of notice that was meant to be given, if someone's so mentally ill that it's impossible to live with them (violence, psychotic episodes, etc) then there's certain exceptions that apply to the usual standards.

I think getting a lawyer involved is a good idea overall tho. Just so you get good advice on ALL of your sister's options.

I'd also get social workers and local charities involved. There's actually WAY more help available than most people realise / than most people have the time and energy to find and access while they are in the middle of a crisis.

 

[strongshadow96]

I wonder about this. Just because getting lawyers in is very costly and not a quick fix.
They can just say she can't return. It's not like she has a formal rental contract. Whilst obviously awful, I can't see that it is illegal? (But I don't know the laws where you are).

I wonder if this is a drive for you to fix things, and sadly, I think this comes back to you not being responsible, or have the means, to fix things. You can't make them be the people you want.

Honestly, when I realised that (and it took me until I was in my 40's), it helped A LOT. Because me trying to fix things , didn't fix things. It just made my family come to me and stop them taking responsibility for their decisions and situation, which all continued and infarct got worse. Me stepping back: sure things were a shit show. But things were a shit show anyway. I hope you can find some relief in giving yourself a break.

It's obviously entirely up to you, but it seems to be the best way is going to find some professional support, ime. Housing, for your sister. Is there no step down mental health hostel or something for her? No homeless housing for her?
Your family won't be the answer.

I mainly just wanted to talk to a lawyer to confirm if she does have any rights in this situation. I believe she does based on laws where I am, but I'm also not sure. I've been calling different support services trying to access information about emergency shelter, but I can only leave voicemails. I'm fine doing that and it is an option to us, but my family has forced this impossible timeline to get this all figured about by Wednesday.

I agree that a lawyer is unlikely to help with this specific question. Cos even if there was some kind of notice that was meant to be given, if someone's so mentally ill that it's impossible to live with them (violence, psychotic episodes, etc) then there's certain exceptions that apply to the usual standards.

I think getting a lawyer involved is a good idea overall tho. Just so you get good advice on ALL of your sister's options.

I'd also get social workers and local charities involved. There's actually WAY more help available than most people realise / than most people have the time and energy to find and access while they are in the middle of a crisis.

Thanks for your input, that's my overall goal is to reach out to the different services the county offers, I just don't have the time to figure it out. She only has a roof over her head until Wednesday. I've left voicemails to different places so far, I just have to wait to hear back. It's so frustrating. I don't like that I'm being impacted by my family's stupid rule. It's unnecessary pressure.

 

[Friday]

I mainly just wanted to talk to a lawyer to confirm if she does have any rights in this situation.

She’s inpatient.. so, if you’re in the USA, yep! In a maaaaaajor way.

Including exponentially UPPED services available to her (and the hospital) if she’s still inpatient whilst applying.

She’d have to be rehospitalized to avoid about 12-18mo of paperwork bullshit, that can be sorted by a social worker with a hospital tax code associated with their name in 24hrs, otherwise. Unless she’s applying for aid that requires 36-44 months to 7 years without record, which, again, can be done by a hospital social worker in less than a day. Which, clearly, is apply whilst inpatient for immediate approval -or- wait 2.5 to 7 years to apply for, which still takes up to 3 years to receive. IE a decade. We’re not a socialized country, so you reeeeeeally have to know the law, in order for it to work in your favor. Most people in psych? Don’t have an advocate, like you or a lawyer, to do that work for them. So they get kicked to curb. Time and time, again. It’s f*cked, but is what it is.

 

[strongshadow96]

Honestly, when I realised that (and it took me until I was in my 40's), it helped A LOT. Because me trying to fix things , didn't fix things. It just made my family come to me and stop them taking responsibility for their decisions and situation, which all continued and infarct got worse. Me stepping back: sure things were a shit show. But things were a shit show anyway. I hope you can find some relief in giving yourself a break.

I've done all I can in this impossible situation. I can't extend myself anymore. How will I cope if something happens to my sister as a result of their inability to be parents and love unconditionally?

 

[Movingforward10]

I've done all I can in this impossible situation. I can't extend myself anymore. How will I cope if something happens to my sister as a result of their inability to be parents and love unconditionally?

It’s awful. It really is. I won’t put my story here, but I do understand. my story is different, but the worry about what happens and seemingly being the only person in the family who can see what might happen, and is worrying about it, and wanting something else to happen: it’s a heavy burden.
honestly, me trying to sort it impacted me, emotionally, financially, and actually all I offered was excuses for other family members not to get involved, and sticking plasters for my sister and her children, as the root problems were not sorted as I am not a professional person who can offer professional intervention. Which is what was needed. When I backed away, yep it was hard. It I also felt, it prob needed to get worse for the professionals to finally get involved. you’re in an impossible situation.

how do you cope With what ever might happen? By recognising you’re not responsible for another adult, and not responsable for your other family members actions or lack of/lack of care. For me , those were the single most effective things that helped. As I was trying to make up for the shit my family, particularly our parents, offered and tying to fix the whole sorry story single handed lay. Impossible.
and By doing what is in your scope (making referrals and being there for her in a listening role or whatever it is that you can safely offer that doesn’t drag you down too).

my sister’s story rumbles on. My parents total inadequacies are there. My worry is still there and for her Children. I have absolutely taken myself out of the relationship my sister has with our parents. And I have more of less taken myself out of any meaningful relationship with my parents. These things kind of feel life long. Or at least I have been worrying for 30 years about her. But I feel so so so so so much better having taken this step back, not being enmeshed, living my life, and offering an ear for support if she reaches out.

you really are not there to fix other people’s problems. Or your parents limitations. That’s on them all.

i Hope there is some form of mental health and housing support for her that comes from the welfare state or a charity or some service. But, your sister will need to make that work. She’ll need to do her part to help herself get better. These are all things beyond your control.

 

[Friday]

How will I cope if something happens to my sister as a result of their inability to be parents and love unconditionally?

Probably? Badly.

Possibly? In 3D. Clearly, adaptively, and in the best ways possible.

 

[Sweetpea76]

One of the hardest things about being a supporter is the powerlessness. You can’t help or fix in terms of somebody else’s mental health or treatment plan, and sometimes you can’t even figure out the logistics of the practical stuff because… hey… mental illness makes shit difficult. Sometimes you have to watch it all hit the fan just hope nothing too horrible happens.

It’s like riding in the back car of a flaming rollercoaster. We’re just along for the ride with no controls. The only options are to ride or get off.