Death My Sister Died Last Night

[recoveringfromptsd]

My IQ is low average, but I am very passionate with my thoughts, which can be good or bad, on the bad side it makes being unsafe more dangerous, on the good side it makes me more invested in getting well.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hi,((( @recoveringfromptsd )))
I feel like I have been MIA...I think that your emotional IQ is a lot higher than you might realize. That's the kind of intelligence that is the most important to me. (Intelligence is measured by the standards of "generic" testing, and there is SO much that cannot be quantified by standard tests.)

You know yourself very well, and that is something some people are never able to do. That requires a height of intelligence that is much more important than book learning could ever teach. No one can measure what we learn out of necessity, and probably won't ever be able to correctly measure intelligence.
(I hope that made sense...?)

You are invested in getting well, and that is what matters! I STILL admire your strength to fight, even when you don't feel like it. I believe that if your sister could be watching you (and I believe that can a possibility...who knows?) she would be VERY proud of your determination.

I am cheering you on!!!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ It is not so much as being invested in getting well, it's the only path I have, I have give up and end things, tolerate and hope the Trauma T can break the hypervigilance that makes me miserable.

As to knowing myself well, most people don't have to know themselves well. I have had to out of necessity and spending a lifetime dealing with therapy and that stuff.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ But I have down similar roads in the past where I invested effort and trusted only to be let down. I have decided some time ago to give it my all. And not be critical of the process and let it work. But it end up with disappointment again, It will be the last, I have set a date to measure against, that represents the day I was thrown into abuse. I is date that is more than a year from now. Enough time to know if things are going to stay the same.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I :hug:((( @recoveringfromptsd )))
I do understand, as much as possible anyway, how getting let down and hurt time and time again crushes the soul, and makes hope nearly impossible to feel.

My first time seeing a therapist was when I was about 22 years old. I am now 60 years old. I have learned to be who I am by being "taught" with therapy. Oh, Geez-La-Weez!!! That's almost 40 YEARS!!! I needed them the most when I had my "brushes with" psychosis after my daughter's birth, during her life, and then her dearh.

I KNOW that your traumas have been much more worse than mine, from what you have shared, and I TRULY can't imagine how you have survived. I won't give up on you, so I hope you will continue to come here and share how your journey is going.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

can't imagine how you have survived

I don't know how I got this far, so many near successes. I am not even truly sure I have survived, so much damage and so little time (I am 59 1/2) to fix me, if that is even possible. Even only focusing on one thing (my situational uncertainty hypervigilance) there may be too little time to break that. That's why I have set a date that is symbolic to me, but is enough time for me to see if any of this stuff is going to help me. If it does fine, there will be no need for it. At present I am tolerating my existence.

And I do appreciate your being there for me. I does help. It keeps me grounded where my emotions sometimes unground me.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @recoveringfromptsd ))) :)
Thank you for saying that I help, even just a bit! I DO believe in you, because you have kept on going, in spite of trying to do the opposite. Something inside you keeps you moving, though that moving might only be breathing from one minute to the next. I know even that can be difficult at times. There is something in your "story" or in you, that inspires me to keep fighting my own battles of fear, and more fear....

Sometimes it doesn't take much for me to sink to where I am just SO tired of the fight to live. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just snap our fingers, or make a wish, and be "fixed" forever? I want THAT pill when they invent it!!!

I am curious...do you like animals...or have a dog or cat? We have a dog that is our entertainment. He's the only one that ever "dances" when I come home...even if I have only been gone for 5 minutes. I used to have cats...but they are too arrogant and seem to "rule" in a passive-agressive way. (my last one would "flick" her tail on me about every 30 seconds when she wanted me to get up. Sometimes, she would stop for a few minutes, and I'd think she'd quit, then she'd flick me again.) Too much irritation to want another one.) Dogs make better companions, and they don't have opinions or argue with us like people do.

I wish I could help more. Even though there are many miles between us, I feel kind of a kindred spirit? Does that make sense at all?

I hope you have a good night, and that tomorrow goes well. I am trying to live in the moment. Staying out of the future, where I "awful-ize" about the bad things that can happen, and staying out of the past, which is of NO value. Taking the day as it comes is the best we can do. I do understand your decision to have a date as a point that you evaluate, or re-evaluate how your life is going. I am praying that there will be some positive changes, enough for you to keep on keepin' on.

Blessings to you!:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I do have a cat, she is great, a pain in the but when I am doing ok, but a bundle of love when I am hurting. You know in june 2016 when I was having S/I and was in the process of my plan, she actual sensed what I was about to do, and sort of went crazy because of it. So she does help me a lot. Reminds me I am human sometimes.

Today I had my life crisis appointment for the EMDR protocol were beginning the history phase. I discovered today just how difficult this process is going to be, were not into the EMDR phase yet and already I found myself dealing with painful stuff, I had to use my frozen orange when there, took a prn when I got home. Did some distract, and had to shut down, been processing since I woke up at 9pm.

I did get some encouragement that this process is going to help, as just from the way the history taking was done for one case, I ended up discovering what I was feeling and what my values were before and after the event that started me the way I am now. I never thought about what my thoughts were in the context of self worth when the abuse was happening, until now.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ The last couple days have been very testing for me, on tuesday I had DBT and one of the items had the word "environment" in it and dealt with interpersonal stuff in relation to be under the control over others. This immediately triggered me in the biggest way. took me back to the my abuse in a big way, because I was subjected to abuse under the control of others. It sort of opened a wound that still hurting and has not closed.

But I am safe despite all this, I guess this is a test of sorts, because the emdr phase will bring up more intense stuff.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @recoveringfromptsd ))) I am sorry that the last couple days have been rough. That's the part of therapy that stinks...and that's the nice word...I hope your T is, or has put in place some grounding techniques for if and when your feelings become overwhelming. It sounds like you ARE safe, safe enough to do some really hard work at getting that wound to a "place" where you can "put" it, when you need to.

I will try to describe some of my EMDR experience...if I can in a nutshell. I will try and make some kind of sense...if you will bear with me?

Before my T and I went into EMDR fully, he helped me create, in my mind" a "container". Since I could make it what I wanted, I made it an old, antique trunk/treasure chest. (I am fascinated with the idea of treasure chests) The chest had/has ONE opening, and only I hold the key, so that only I can bring up anything or anyone that I choose to put there. I can actually visualize this trunk in detail. It's actually a vacuum with a hose, and it has an on/off switch that only I control, and when unwelcome thoughts, or people come to mind, I turn on the switch and "suck up" the feelings, thoughts, and visuals, and vacuum them up until they are gone. (We used the EMDR technique to "install" this visualization, to "cement" it into my subconscious self) I can bring things out, or keep them in there permanently!

Still, to this day, I can picture this chest in my mind, and it's been around 10 years or so since we "implanted" it. The things that I put into that imaginary place have stayed there.

The experiences, people, thoughts, and feelings that going deeper into my abuse brought up, got "sucked up" when they got to where I would be overwhelmed. Then, I learned to visualize the vacuum hose sucking up the person/person's face, body, experiences, and the fear, anger, pain, and memories. We had me chose people in my life that I trusted (I didn't have many back then) that "stood" at the opening of the vacuum "hose" with me, to make sure that all that stuff I was sucking up, went IN! I chose the few people who really KNEW about my abuse, and there weren't many. It was and is SO AMAZING, and SO, SO HARD to describe the EMDR experience.

This is only ONE of the "implementations" of EMDR that we did. They are VERY hard to describe enough to convey the power of how the technique can get into the subconscious mind. I hope I helped? A bit?

Well, if you didn't think I was a nut before....maybe you think I am now??? It's okay...I don't want to be "normal". That's WAY out of where I CHOOSE to be! We are each unique, and special, one-of-a-kind people, and we CAN learn to think and feel differently about ourselves, with enough tools, skills, and choosing NOT to quit!

You are in my thoughts and prayers!:hug: (I hope I haven't confused the heck out of you)

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I am familiar with the container concept, when I was at Sheppard Pratt's Trauma Disorders Unit. My Trauma T is explained in the next phase we will be working on safe place, and other coping tools. No your not a nut, none of us are, the world out there is nuts. :giggle: I use what SP taught me a lot, I use safe place, and containment, and grounding. Grounding is my first line of defense. If I can prevent myself slipping into trauma time, I often don't need to use the other tools.

What was hard about the session was walking back feelings and thoughts tied to events when I last felt them, made me realize that what happened to me in 1977-78 made what was already there severe, to the point where I am messed up as I am today. I never realized I felt a lot of the same feelings from my age 5 severe molestation that I associated with the 1977 abuse. I already know from this session what core values were affected. I also never thought that I blamed myself for my abuse. Now I know I did bigtime.

I know I cant be fixed or cured, I am 59.5 and since I expect maybe 10 or 20 years at most more life (assuming something does not happen to change things that makes it earlier), not enough time to do much to address the damage. So I am only focusing on the one hypervigilance that makes life miserable, even if I can put a dent in that with EMDR it should make me less miserable.

I am expecting this to be a roller coaster of hurt and other feelings some good some bad. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have to do it, but it scare the crap out of me. Probably because I am coming face to face with the emotions I have so long suppressed to protect my mind.