Death My mum died last night

[barefoot]

Thanks for all the messages of care and support here. I’m sorry I’m not feeling able to respond to you all individually but I do want you all to know that I have read and re-read all your posts and have appreciated every single one.

I had quite a meltdown about an hour after I made my previous post on Saturday. I think it suddenly hit me like a ten tonne truck. A couple of hours of heavy grief and sobbing and focusing on the fact that she is gone and how much I will miss her. I was so stressed out about doing the reading that I pretty much decided I didn’t want to do it because I just wanted to try to remove some stress. My partner was brilliant with me.

It meant that we holed up at home for longer than planned so we didn’t get to my Dad’s until the evening, which went ok.

The next day we were going through photos trying to pick which ones to use for the slideshow. Which was a fairly emotionally difficult and upsetting exercise, pouring over all those pictures and memories. And also a fairly pointless one seeing as it was obvious that my dad knew which ones he did/didn’t want in so asking our opinions on them was just pointless lip service. The same as every other decision making discussion we’ve had, which irritates the shit out of me. Either say what you want and make a decision or genuinely invite and consider other people’s views. Never happens with my Dad!

 

[barefoot]

Having some issues with my phone hence another separate post...

My sister then kicked off about something totally random and unexpected. Only, she didn’t really kick off in a straightforward way...it just came out later and in quite an explosive way (which I bore the brunt of) after she’d clearly been staring about something for days but hadn’t said anything. So, that took some sorting out! And I think I did a really good job with that - especially since her anger and upset was flying out sideways at me when, which I didn’t deserve but there you go...wrong place, wrong time, I guess...

I’ve said for years that no one in my family can just have an open, honest conversation. They just stew and whisper to each other about the others so nothing ever gets aired in a constructive way and then they all just get stuck mind reading and feeling furious but no one knows they’re furious or why...Never has that been clearer to me than when this happened on Sunday.

My sister said something about me - that wasn’t true - to my dad. My dad then come and told me and I was annoyed because what he said she said was untrue and therefore unfair. He then told me not to mention it to her. I went upstairs to talk to her about it - dad looking totally panicked that there was about to be a huge row. Then I got upstairs and my sister was being totally ok with me - not looking upset at all, being smiley, joking about something to do with her make up or something. I then mentioned what dad’s just told me. She looks totally furious that dad told me and totally panicked that I’m about to have a huge argument with her. I didn’t do that. I was very calm, very measured, said what dad had said, pointed out what wasn’t true about that and said that I felt quite hurt because it was unfair. And then she just lost it and was shouting and crying and slamming things around about all kinds of stuff. I let her do that. Then I asked what we could do to help her/put the situation right. And she looked absolutely shocked and panicked...probably because she’s never had a conversation go that way before! She said something, I offered to do something, she agreed, I went back downstairs. Dad had shut himself in another room. I went in. He looked terrified - I think expecting me to announce that I was leaving or something. Then I said what my sister needed so I was going to do x and y if he was happy with that. And he had the same expression of sheer incomprehension as she had had that a conversation where people feel annoyed or upset can end like that.

This sort of family dynamic is so stressful and exhausting. It’s been that way forever. But there’s not much escaping it at the moment - but I’m determined not to get sucked in to their gloop. It’s exhausting though and I don’t need their shizzle at the moment on top of already very hard circumstances. At least I managed to model some healthy communication!

And I’m now back to being undecided about whether or not to do the reading... ?

Funeral is tomorrow. f*ck.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh @barefoot I'm so sorry you are wearing the brunt of all this right now.

Families can be demonstrate their weakest and worst characteristics when they are grief stricken.

I'm sorry you are having to hold the line to help them get through this. I don't suppose you have a lot of choice though.

I think you are showing such strength to move through this with such dignity and maturity.

I hope you are okay tomorrow. Sending you hugs and prayers.

 

[scout86]

That was an impressive display of maturity. Way to go!

As far as the reading goes, follow your heart. You'll do fine, either way. Thinking of you!

 

[barefoot]

Had a double therapy session this afternoon and the reading was the main topic...I’ve now decided not to do it and I feel good about that decision.

I think focusing on / stressing about the reading has provided some containment over the past couple of weeks to stop me thinking about anything else. So, it has kind of served a purpose, even though it has been a stressful dilemma. But shit’s going to get real tomorrow. And I don’t need that to happen when I’m in the middle of reading the poem!

Therapist said I have a pattern of putting myself in more stressful situations than necessary, which increases my suffering. Hmm...

Anyway...I feel relieved. I think it feels enough that I had wanted to do it and that I chose the poem. I hope I don’t feel too disappointed with myself afterwards...

I emailed the celebrant to ask him to do it instead and he sent a very sweet message back. And my dad and sister were totally lovely about it. I think my dad was actually very relieved on my behalf - think he had been stressing about it for me!

So...decision made...

Just need to get through tomorrow now. It still feels so unreal. I’m still not really thinking of her or really acknowledging for any longer than a fleeting moment that she’s gone forever.

I don’t know how many Valium to take tomorrow. Is any amount actually going to be anywhere close to enough?

 

[Chris-duck]

Thinking of you :hug: I'm glad that making a decision on the reading has taken some stress off you. You chose the poem and thought about doing it, that is definitely enough. I hope you don't feel disappointed with yourself after but if you do we will all be here to reinforce that you are doing enough. It's all crazy stressful, no sense in adding to that.

You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow. Hope it goes as well as it can.

 

[Abstract]

Really hope it went OK. Good for you making all those mature decisions and being the only healthily behaving adult in the family. Dysfunctional family dynamics are so stressful. They all need therapy. Hope your mother had a lovely send off and you managed OK ish. Sending you peace.

 

[Teasel]

Thinking of you @barefoot x

 

[barefoot]

The funeral went smoothly. I felt remarkably calm all morning. I took a valium half an hour before the funeral cars were due to arrive as I thought that would be hard. It was difficult for a moment when they arrived and, to start with in the car, I felt close to tears but then it passed and I kept myself distracted with the view from the window. I then had a quick teary wobble just as we were about to go in – we followed the coffin in, which hadn't been my preference but was what my dad wanted.

The celebrant did a good job – and read my reading well! I didn't regret making the decision not to read it myself.

I didn't get in a state. I had maybe three different times during the service when I got slightly leaky eyes, including the moment at the end when the curtains closed, but a quick dab with a tissue and I was fine again.

So, I only got through one valium and one tissue. It was ok. I felt largely ok. I actually feel a bit bad that I didn't feel worse.

And I still feel ok. But I think that must be wrong. I think I should feel worse than this. I just feel a bit flat and tired.

I think it still doesn't feel very real. Even now, after the funeral.

I had thought I would need to increase my therapy sessions for a while – I've done an hour a fortnight for about 18 months but the last few weeks since it happened I have done a double session a week. I can't afford to keep doing that. And, actually, I feel ok, so I don't see the point. I'm booked in for a two hour session this week because I thought I would need it after the funeral because I thought I'd feel worse. And also because we said last week that we'd have more of a chat about gabapentin this week. So, I'll stick with it for this week but then I don't know. I was thinking I'd maybe do weekly 60 min sessions for the next few weeks but i think I'll be fine now going back to fortnightly and then just trying to pick up where we left off a month or so ago. We were getting into some important stuff around trauma. I'd wanted to get stuck in and build some momentum around it. And now I haven't. But maybe I can start that again the session after next. I don't really know. I don't feel very clear now about what I'm supposed to be doing there.

 

[Friday]

I have done a double session a week. I can't afford to keep doing that. And, actually, I feel ok, so I don't see the point. I'm booked in for a two hour session this week because I thought I would need it after the funeral because I thought I'd feel worse.

Sounds like you did all the right things, and got out ahead of the storm, and managed yourself beautifully. Well done. Very well done.

I felt largely ok. I actually feel a bit bad that I didn't feel worse.

It will hit you in waves from time to time, and that’s okay / nothing wrong with it, but it’s also okay to celebrate & love your mom, to be sad & grieve & happy & calm... rather than being shattered & losing months and years to profound grief and depression and massive PTSD symptom uptick. Sounds like your mom is the kind of person who would want you to remember her fondly, and with warmth, instead of blind pain. A gift & an honoring to be able to do so. Not a failing.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Friday

 

[barefoot]

Feel so tired. Taking sleeping pills at night but I’m waking up loads and feel like I’m just having a night of nap after nap with weird dreams in between. Having lots of dreams about my therapist.

My partner isn’t sleeping well either. She has been a bit wobbly this weekend. A bit teary. I asked if she was thinking about my mum a lot and she said she was and then welled up.

I’m barely thinking about my mum at all. I don’t know if that’s useful and is keeping me functioning ok and means I’m fine. Or whether it’s my usual tactic of avoidance, which makes me think I’m ok because I’m not feeling anything bad but then there is inevitably a shitstorm that follows at some point.

She pops into my head now and then and if it’s for longer than a few seconds it feels painful and then the thoughts and feelings go. I’m not sure if I make them go....they just seem to slide out of my head and get replaced by....nothing.

I don’t think I am really processing that she is gone and what that really means and how that really feels...