My Neighbour (again)

[barefoot]

@Fadeaway - wow, I love your style with that note on your door! :-)

I think you're probably not the odd one out here...I'm sure there are others who would think that avoidance/ignoring isn't really the answer. But I don't feel that I can do anything else at the moment, so my options to explore were keep ignoring and not answering the door or answer the door and fob here off. I know these aren't the only options or the best options...they just feel like the manageable ones for me at the moment. If avoiding/ignoring/giving excuses doesn't work and she still keeps showing up and it keeps bothering me, I guess I'll need to consider some more direct action. For now though, I think I'm going to stick to not answering the door. Which feels like I'm hiding in my own house and which doesn't curtail the panic I feel when I hear the knock/door bel. But that feels manageable as a short term (at least) solution.

I think we probably shot ourselves in the foot for being so welcoming, kind and hospitable when she rocked up the first time. Now, if we have to get more direct with her at any point, it will mean back-peddling on how we were with her. She's probably keeping coming because we were so nice to her and she wants more of that. So I think she'll be shocked if we get to a point where we have to tell her to back off. Hopefully, it won't come to that...

 

[Ronin]

I dread her turning up in tears again and me being spotted so I can't just avoid opening the door

Her charades are meaningless and she can cry crocodile tears all she wants, not your responsibility.
Hey, I collect tears of suckers, so as she shows up, just let her cry, think of collecting those tears for me. ;)
And don't open.
I'd water spray her with her fake tears, too. Action plan for later.

She cries, you collect, I spray. I think we've got this covered. Opening & caring for her isn't on the plan. ;)

 

[ladee]

What an awkward situation. When I find myself in this type thing, I try to calm myself by looking for the 'lesson'.. it takes my mind off the anxiety and confusion on what to DO....
For instance...it's apparent the lesson is on boundaries. Sometimes the Universe will use something this dramatic to get my attention because I am not paying attention to 'subtle'....
So maybe if you focus on what you are learning here for future situations, you may come up with an answer you would not have thought about previously.
I have no suggestions for how to handle her, just on how to deal with your own feelings. It is very uncomfortable and you hate that she is hurting and lost. This is a very personal situation for you... hope you find answers soon so as not to be held hostage in your own home... sending gentle hugs of encouragement for this to resolve soon.

 

[barefoot]

@ladee I agree - looking for the learning/lesson in a situation is often helpful. I'm not really sure what the learning is here....I think it's confirmed learning as opposed to new learning...confirming what I know ie that I get wobbly with setting down, maintaining and expressing my boundaries.

So, perhaps the insight here is that I'm not doing enough about that...I know I have boundary issues and I've done some work on it but it's obviously not enough if I've let a situation like this happen.

 

[barefoot]

I was just standing by my desk looking out the window (working hard here, obviously!) and saw her go out her back gate to get to her car. I actually ducked down and crouched on the floor - was a complete gut reaction.
FFS! I need to get a grip!

At least I now know that she's out at the moment...

 

[scout86]

but it's obviously not enough if I've let a situation like this happen.

Which part of this did you "let" happen? Your neighbor has some issues, it seems like. Relationship issues, but also she doesn't seem to have much of a sense of boundaries herself. Sounds like she's probably pretty stressed and not handling it well. The stuff she's done with respect to you and your partner? Nearly ANYONE would be bothered by that.

Your part in all this is really wrapped up in the question of how to handle it. How do you WANT to handle it? Imagine, if you can, that you could handle it anyway you want with no consequences, how would you handle it? Run the scenario in your head. Role play running it with your partner. Take turns playing yourself and your neighbor. Ask yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen if I do 'X'?" Role play handling the worst case scenario. What IS the worst thing that could happen, in your opinion? Even if you don't feel up to dealing with your neighbor face to face just yet, practice doing it in your head.

But, I don't think you're responsible for this situation developing. Your neighbor has issues. People like that rarely get "subtle". Most people, wanting to be nice, start with kind of hazy boundaries. Now that you know what she's like, you can proceed with that information in mind.

Use this as an opportunity to practice setting and maintaining your own boundaries. The ones you want, the way you want them. It's "practice". You don't start out with perfection, you practice until you get there.

 

[barefoot]

Which part of this did you "let" happen?

I let her stay too long the first time...I should have found a way to make her leave sooner....as soon as I realised that I didn't like the feel of her being in my house. Instead, I offered her wine so, of course, she kept talking!

And I let her touch me. I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't move. I just stood there, feeling horrible and I just let her.

And I let her leave thinking everything was ok. I didn't let her know that anything wasn't ok. So she left thinking everything was fine and that how she had been was fine.

she doesn't seem to have much of a sense of boundaries herself.

I think you're right there!

how do you WANT to handle it? I

I think I don't want to have to do anything to handle it. I think I just want a magical conclusion: for her to just move out and be gone. I just want to not have to see her again. But I know that's not a useful, practical thought. And, again, I know this is me completely overreacting.

Now that you know what she's like, you can proceed with that information in mind

Yes. This is true. Always good to know what you're dealing with :-)

 

[scout86]

I think I just want a magical conclusion:

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Ain't it the truth!

Well, cut yourself some slack. She caught you off guard the first time.

I don't think you're "completely over reacting". You might be over reacting just a little, but this IS kind of a big deal. It's not a big deal you can't handle though. Think about a plan. (And I don't mean where to hide!) Practice in your head. Visualize yourself successfully executing the plan. Run scenarios in your head. Do worst case scenarios. Do funny scenarios. I suppose this is a form of exposure therapy. But, actually, the fastest way to end this would be if she came back to your place, looking for something you can't or don't want to provide, and you have the chance to deal with it. You could also practice, in your head, better ways to deal with the last incident. You and your partner could role play and practice. Practice until you could do it in your sleep and on auto pilot.

But remember, YOU are not the problem. You have a problem with self confidence and being assertive and you can get better at that. You aren't "wrong", :)

 

[sun seeker]

didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't move. I just stood there, feeling horrible and I just let her.

So, you froze. That's an involuntary reaction. Not something to beat yourself up over.

I think I just want a magical conclusion: for her to just move out and be gone.

I can totally relate to this. It's how I'd like to handle a boundary issue I have going on, too.

I think it's a good thing if you can use this as a lesson in how to set boundaries in the future. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being at home and not answering the door, and you don't have to have a reason except that you just don't want to. The worst thing that can happen is she thinks you're not being nice. But then her most likely reaction will be to stay away, which was what you wanted anyway, right?

 

[barefoot]

Think about a plan. (And I don't mean where to hide!)

:-)

You have a problem with self confidence and being assertive

The thing is, I don't have a problem with these things in general. And I think that's why I get annoyed and frustrated with myself when I mess up on boundary stuff (again!)... because it doesn't feel like me and because I know I should be doing it better.

 

[barefoot]

So, you froze

Yes. I hadn't really thought of it that way...
But it seems to be what I do whenever anyone touches me. So, if someone hugs me, for instance, and I don't want them to, I tend to go into a very fast mini freeze then, by the time I realise what's going on, it's already happening, they're already hugging me. So then I just let them carry on because, even though I hate it, it feels easier to let them continue than to then at that point physically push them off.

The worst thing that can happen is she thinks you're not being nice. But then her most likely reaction will be to stay away, which was what you wanted anyway, right?

Hadn't thought of that that way either... :-) I've been worrying that if she thinks we're deliberately ignoring her/not being nice that things with her will escalate somehow. But I think you're right - it's probably more likely that she will just stay away. Which, yes, is what I want.

Thanks.

 

[barefoot]

So, I bumped into my other neighbour (an elderly woman) earlier and casually asked her if she had seen our other neighbour lately (was trying to find out if the neighbour who's causing me stress is moving out any time soon as elderly neighbour always knows everything!) She said she had seen her and that she's basically had to tell her not to go round any more. It turns out that the neighbour who's stressing me out has behaved similarly with my elderly neighbour - turning up out of the blue and out-staying her welcome/been difficult to get rid of etc. Elderly neighbour didn't get told incredibly intimate details of her sex life and also avoided getting hugged or touched.

However....having told her that she can't help her any more and that really she ought to be talking this through with a friend or family member, the stressing me out neighbour then told my elderly neighbour that it's so toxic at the moment in her house, so can she move in with her for a little while! WTF?! Elderly neighbour told her no because she needs space for her family to come and stay.

So, I'm now thinking that she probably wants to ask us the same thing. She knows we have two spare bedrooms, so there's plenty of space. Oh my God...

On the one hand I'm thinking this has now ramped it up a gear and that, even me with my squiffy boundaries and strong desire not to be impolite, will say no when she asks if she can move in. On the other, even the thought of her moving in has made my anxiety rocket - which is silly because she's obviously just so completely not moving in. Nothing to be anxious about because nothing's going to happen. Need to come up with a reason to tell her if it comes to it. I don't think screaming in her face: "Because I can't even bear the thought of having you inside my house again even for a nano second" is the right thing to say here, but it's all that's in my mind at the moment.