My niece

[Strangelongtrip]

I don’t know if I’ve posted about this before, maybe small parts. I have a niece and she’s great. She lives here with my family part time and close by with her mother the other half. She’s funny, smart, confident, and strong. She has great coping skills and a great worldview. She’s 9 now. Skipped a grade. Great little person. But I’ve always been anxious and uncomfortable around her. My male cousins never bothered me at all, but my niece? I have panic attacks sometimes if I’m around her too long. It started out as small anxieties, but as she got older and I developed more severe PTSD, it’s like I am terrified to talk to her. Especially since she turned 8. That was the age I was sexually assaulted by another girl. I know it’s related to that, and I just have to work on it, but I feel so horrible and guilty when I tell her I can’t hang out for long or if she could please give me some alone time because I’m anxious.

I think she understands, because I tell her it’s nothing she’s doing, I’m just anxious. She knows I have panic attacks and she knows about some mental health stuff. I mean, I have a service dog (in training) and she knows all her tasks. She even helps me with the training.

I just still feel guilty and bad that being around her makes me anxious. She’s not doing anything wrong. It’ll be even me being irritable. I don’t take it out on her but bottle in but I’m terrified I will one day. I’m terrified I’m going to ruin our relationship because her age is still a trigger for me. I feel like I can’t be a good enough aunt like my aunts were for me. And so much guilt.

 

[bellbird]

I tell her it’s nothing she’s doing, I’m just anxious

First off, I think it's good that you tell her this.
And I think it's important you continue to reinforce this idea -- both for your sake, and for hers.

It's totally understandable why you're being triggered like this, but I'm really sorry the impact it's having on you.

What do you think you need here? (Aside from a magic wand to cure your PTSD)

Do you think it would help (both of you) to have a more in depth discussion than "im anxious" about why things are the way they are?

No details, of course.
But if you feel comfortable, you could talk to her about how sometimes people's brains can act funny, even when they haven't done anything wrong. And that's why you need service dog to help you, and why sometimes you need to leave the room really suddenly.

In talking to her, you might feel the relationship building a little from your end, and less bad if you are symptomatic around her.

You're not doing anything wrong here, though.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@bellbird I think I need to keep letting her know it’s not her. Talking to her would be a good idea! Maybe I’ll look around for some child friendly explanations. She’s super smart and we’ve talked about science things before so I think she’d get it!

But what I really need to do is process my childhood traumas. I’ve worked on them some and am much better than I was earlier but I think this would be necessary. I always said I never wanted kids when I was a teenager but I’m not so sure that was my trauma talking from fear. I also can’t physically have them without horrrific complications but there are other ways!

 

[bellbird]

She’s super smart and we’ve talked about science things before so I think she’d get it!

Great!

But what I really need to do is process my childhood traumas. I’ve worked on them some and am much better than I was earlier but I think this would be necessary.

:hug: proud of you for noticing this, too.

there are other ways!

There are!!
And the technologies are becoming better and more accessible with time as well.