It's been a while. Depression and despair no words could possibly describe. I left this planet 4 years ago and the most surprising thing of all, is that I am still here. There obviously is some aspect that has a will to live beyond my awareness. Positive it is time to end this misery, the only control I seem to have, the intricate plans of taking my life have soothed me. Diverse and never spoken out loud, they give me that one sacred aspect untouched by the cruelty of others.
Ironically, I am a trained therapist. But I have been completely unable to apply the knowledge to my current situation. I have sought help in many forms over the years, but here I remain, so bleak I cannot remember hope. Most of all and worst of all is the constant self dialogue that condemns me INSANE. I have had psychotic episodes over these 4 years, but it is the gaps and loss of time that most convince me I am too far gone.
I cannot measure normal reactions. I do know the shame that I am no better and perhaps even worse with the ticking of the clock shakes my foundation, disproving the concept of who I once thought "I am".
I was abused as a child and have lived a very dramatic life re-in acting the chaos I experienced growing up. But, 4 years ago something became different. Right after the end of my brief marriage, I contracted giardia at a local restaurant and it was undiagnosed for 2 years. I was 95lbs and my brain literally was starving, I just wasn't myself.
Then In July 2009 a man yielding a knife broke into my home while I was home with all the lights on, prying the window open and slicing the shade for easy access. He went past dozens of designer handbags and jewelry to start down the hall. Consciously I did not hear him, but at that exact time I cajoled my dogs down the hall towards the backyard. As soon as I spotted him he was heading fleeing out the same window, startled when confronted with my dogs and my immediate canine command to "f-ing kill the mother f-er". The police didn't come. Nor did any of the friends or family I called. In fact it took the LAPD a week and a complaint to internal affairs to get a cop to show up. They did nothing. Through an odd turn of events, I soon found out it was my next door neighbors best friend that was house sitting, someone I still see regularly.
In August of 2009 I went to my friend's birthday party, then she insisted I return to her house to look at her presents. While at her apartment, her husband whom was babysitting their 4 yr old daughter (they were separated at the time), slipped ambien in my wine, offered to drive me home and raped me while I was mostly unconscious. He had been my close friend of 15 years.
In November 2009 I went to my gyn to have an iud removed due to the many health complications from the giardia. I explained that I had been sexually assaulted and to please be gentle. In a procedure that lasted over 45 minutes, without a nurse present, he ripped my iud out through numerous tumors including one that was attached to an artery. I crawled to my car and hemorrhaged for days. 8 weeks later I required surgery removing the tumors including one that had formed in my ovary as a result of the week long hemorrhaging.
It has been a combination of an exodus and an execution. I have not a single friend left from my vast social circle. For reasons supposedly unrelated in January 2011, my father stopped speaking to me, along with my siblings, step mother, extended family and nieces after I admitted my bother to the hospital for a drug overdose and what turned out to be a 9 day stint in ICU in late 2010. They claim that the hospital was trying to get him addicted to drugs, and he was sober upon admission.
The giardia kicked auto-immune problems I was already having into full gear. I have been ill ever since, most recently with Meniere's disease. It has made me so nauseous from vertigo that on a good day I feel like I have the stomach flu and on a bad day cannot move from my bed or see my hand in front of me. I have vomited daily for over a year and a half, am going deaf and can no longer drive due to the unpredictable vertigo episodes.
But I have tried my hardest to carry on. I managed to create an internet business selling vintage designer clothing, not a moment too soon as my career of 20 years also came to a close when my boss was found to be embezzling, using my budgets as camouflage.
I don't remember a good part of 3 years. If I offed myself today it would take at least 10 days for anyone to notice. I am sick, penniless and in a barrage of attack. My house has been in foreclosure 4 times. I am so exhausted I can barely raise my aching head. I have received no specific help from my shrink, the few that speak with me, attack at the slightest sign of weakness. The faith I once had in a higher power now fears the sadistic energy that seems to laugh at my suffering, ignoring pleas on my hands and knees for guidance.
Is this ptsd? Is there help? Is it ever too late? How on earth do I help myself when I can barely get out of bed?
Ironically, I am a trained therapist. But I have been completely unable to apply the knowledge to my current situation. I have sought help in many forms over the years, but here I remain, so bleak I cannot remember hope. Most of all and worst of all is the constant self dialogue that condemns me INSANE. I have had psychotic episodes over these 4 years, but it is the gaps and loss of time that most convince me I am too far gone.
I cannot measure normal reactions. I do know the shame that I am no better and perhaps even worse with the ticking of the clock shakes my foundation, disproving the concept of who I once thought "I am".
I was abused as a child and have lived a very dramatic life re-in acting the chaos I experienced growing up. But, 4 years ago something became different. Right after the end of my brief marriage, I contracted giardia at a local restaurant and it was undiagnosed for 2 years. I was 95lbs and my brain literally was starving, I just wasn't myself.
Then In July 2009 a man yielding a knife broke into my home while I was home with all the lights on, prying the window open and slicing the shade for easy access. He went past dozens of designer handbags and jewelry to start down the hall. Consciously I did not hear him, but at that exact time I cajoled my dogs down the hall towards the backyard. As soon as I spotted him he was heading fleeing out the same window, startled when confronted with my dogs and my immediate canine command to "f-ing kill the mother f-er". The police didn't come. Nor did any of the friends or family I called. In fact it took the LAPD a week and a complaint to internal affairs to get a cop to show up. They did nothing. Through an odd turn of events, I soon found out it was my next door neighbors best friend that was house sitting, someone I still see regularly.
In August of 2009 I went to my friend's birthday party, then she insisted I return to her house to look at her presents. While at her apartment, her husband whom was babysitting their 4 yr old daughter (they were separated at the time), slipped ambien in my wine, offered to drive me home and raped me while I was mostly unconscious. He had been my close friend of 15 years.
In November 2009 I went to my gyn to have an iud removed due to the many health complications from the giardia. I explained that I had been sexually assaulted and to please be gentle. In a procedure that lasted over 45 minutes, without a nurse present, he ripped my iud out through numerous tumors including one that was attached to an artery. I crawled to my car and hemorrhaged for days. 8 weeks later I required surgery removing the tumors including one that had formed in my ovary as a result of the week long hemorrhaging.
It has been a combination of an exodus and an execution. I have not a single friend left from my vast social circle. For reasons supposedly unrelated in January 2011, my father stopped speaking to me, along with my siblings, step mother, extended family and nieces after I admitted my bother to the hospital for a drug overdose and what turned out to be a 9 day stint in ICU in late 2010. They claim that the hospital was trying to get him addicted to drugs, and he was sober upon admission.
The giardia kicked auto-immune problems I was already having into full gear. I have been ill ever since, most recently with Meniere's disease. It has made me so nauseous from vertigo that on a good day I feel like I have the stomach flu and on a bad day cannot move from my bed or see my hand in front of me. I have vomited daily for over a year and a half, am going deaf and can no longer drive due to the unpredictable vertigo episodes.
But I have tried my hardest to carry on. I managed to create an internet business selling vintage designer clothing, not a moment too soon as my career of 20 years also came to a close when my boss was found to be embezzling, using my budgets as camouflage.
I don't remember a good part of 3 years. If I offed myself today it would take at least 10 days for anyone to notice. I am sick, penniless and in a barrage of attack. My house has been in foreclosure 4 times. I am so exhausted I can barely raise my aching head. I have received no specific help from my shrink, the few that speak with me, attack at the slightest sign of weakness. The faith I once had in a higher power now fears the sadistic energy that seems to laugh at my suffering, ignoring pleas on my hands and knees for guidance.
Is this ptsd? Is there help? Is it ever too late? How on earth do I help myself when I can barely get out of bed?
