Given the nature of my job as a paramedic, my shift can consist of anything from mundane boredom, to complete chaos and insanity. I have delivered a baby on one call, and the very next call watched someone die with no hope to bring them back. I have always had a bit of "dark humor" and more so when I am surrounded by other who also share it. If you have ever seen the show "1000 ways to die", then in some small sense you understand what I mean. Seeing death has become a dark everyday occurrence some weeks. We will all take that journey, some when we are old and it time, some too young by accidents or at the hands of others, and some by their own hands. However it is that we go, is generally out of our hands.
There are a few calls that stick out in my mind that I do generally think about almost everyday. The first one was an elderly man who had passed in his sleep. He was laying there dead and had a slight smile. It seemed like he went very peacefully. His wife was completely devastated, his daughter lived just down the street and was there also. It was my job to go to the living room where she was sitting and explain to her that her husband was dead. In between her tears she told me they were married for 65 years and didn't know what life would be like without him. I was kneeling down and she took one of my hands when I was explaining to her that he was gone and there was nothing that can be done. She was almost inconsolable and again told me they "were" married for 65 years. I decided to correct her on something. I told her to make no mistake, you are still married. He has been called and moved on to a better place and someday when the time arrives, you will be together again. A strange thing happened then. She took a deep breath, stopped crying and actually smiled at me through her tears. She told me "No one could have said a more beautiful thing and such a horrible time and God himself must have sent you to tell me this." I then dismissed all the responders except for my partner and 2 policeman. I'm not a very religious person by any means, but those words seemed to help her.
Another call I had was a family tragedy that no one should ever have to go through. A pair o 4 year old twins had gotten out of their grandmothers house and fallen into the family pool. When calls go out for kids, everyone reacts with much more adrenaline, and seems to sometimes forget simple things given the matter at hand. We arrived at the same time and the fire dept and all ran into the backyard at the same time. The kids were lifeless and side by side on the concrete beside the pool. I was the lead medic in charge and generally have to tell other medics and fireman what do to and sometimes yell at the and this call was worse. 6 people there right off the bat and more on the way. I ended up kneeling between the boys and was doing chest compressions on each with each of my hands. The problem was no one was listening no matter how much I yelled at them. They were running around like beheaded chickens. To make things go from bad to worse my supervisor showed up and tried to dictate everything and undermine my calls. Putting a breathing tube in a person I have always done before we leave the house or scene. I had the tube in my hand when he was telling everyone "get em up lets go!" The kid I was about to put the tube in was lifted from in front of me and put on the stretcher despite me telling everyone to "STOP!!" I had to grab the stretcher while they were pulling it away and stop them before we lost the IV's that they left on the ground that were still in the kids arm. People were in such a hurry to get up and go, equipment I would need was being left behind. The scene I was in charge of was now completely chaotic and I had no control.
We had 2 ambulances there along with about 4 fire trucks, supervisors, police, battalion chiefs, and the geniuses completely blocked in the ambulances so we couldn't leave. Now add every neighbor on the street and the crowds that saw us doing CPR on the little boys and you get the idea. Finally enough trucks were moved so that we could leave, we had a 3 car police escort to the ER for the 2 ambulances and supervisor which we generally don't have. I was able to get the breathing tube in, medications, all the protocols were done. The same drama was happening in the ambulance following behind me. In the end neither of the boys survived. We got a brief heartbeat back on my kid, but it didn't last long at all.
I guess where I'm going with this is that with all the people I have seen die in one way or another, these 2 stick out in my mind the most. Others I have completely forgotten about and even if you told me the story I might not remember them. I have more or less disconnected myself from this. After each call I move on to the next call, maybe grab some food, maybe even get a nap in. My day goes on like any other, but the families I just gave the horrible news to are just beginning their nightmare, and will be dealing with it for some time.
I have always been told from a young age that I was an "old soul". Ex girlfriends would get mad at me because I didn't show much emotion thinking that I didn't care. The thing is I do care, I guess I just have a very matter of fact way of showing it. Someone could walk through one shift with me and maybe be scarred for life, I just seem to go about my day and bumble along and existence until my next shift. I guess thats what I feel I am doing right now, just existing. I am trying to show more affection, more emotion, seem more like a person and less robotic. I feel less stressed lately in some ways, and more in others. Divorce is almost looming in the background. I am sleeping on the couch and not really allowed nor wanted in the bed anymore. Where I had inadvertently put up emotional walls, my wife has put up physical ones.
I'm not forgetting I created this mess with my depression, lack of emotion, lack of physical intimacy. My wife has told me she resents and is really angry with me for allowing myself to get like this and not getting help or medications. I want to see my counselor again, just a lack of financial resources to do this right now. My family is about to fall apart and I am solely to blame on this. I am no angel by any means, and my wife has every right to be mad for this. I mean who wants to or deserves to be married to a shell who is more like a roommate than a husband.
There are a few calls that stick out in my mind that I do generally think about almost everyday. The first one was an elderly man who had passed in his sleep. He was laying there dead and had a slight smile. It seemed like he went very peacefully. His wife was completely devastated, his daughter lived just down the street and was there also. It was my job to go to the living room where she was sitting and explain to her that her husband was dead. In between her tears she told me they were married for 65 years and didn't know what life would be like without him. I was kneeling down and she took one of my hands when I was explaining to her that he was gone and there was nothing that can be done. She was almost inconsolable and again told me they "were" married for 65 years. I decided to correct her on something. I told her to make no mistake, you are still married. He has been called and moved on to a better place and someday when the time arrives, you will be together again. A strange thing happened then. She took a deep breath, stopped crying and actually smiled at me through her tears. She told me "No one could have said a more beautiful thing and such a horrible time and God himself must have sent you to tell me this." I then dismissed all the responders except for my partner and 2 policeman. I'm not a very religious person by any means, but those words seemed to help her.
Another call I had was a family tragedy that no one should ever have to go through. A pair o 4 year old twins had gotten out of their grandmothers house and fallen into the family pool. When calls go out for kids, everyone reacts with much more adrenaline, and seems to sometimes forget simple things given the matter at hand. We arrived at the same time and the fire dept and all ran into the backyard at the same time. The kids were lifeless and side by side on the concrete beside the pool. I was the lead medic in charge and generally have to tell other medics and fireman what do to and sometimes yell at the and this call was worse. 6 people there right off the bat and more on the way. I ended up kneeling between the boys and was doing chest compressions on each with each of my hands. The problem was no one was listening no matter how much I yelled at them. They were running around like beheaded chickens. To make things go from bad to worse my supervisor showed up and tried to dictate everything and undermine my calls. Putting a breathing tube in a person I have always done before we leave the house or scene. I had the tube in my hand when he was telling everyone "get em up lets go!" The kid I was about to put the tube in was lifted from in front of me and put on the stretcher despite me telling everyone to "STOP!!" I had to grab the stretcher while they were pulling it away and stop them before we lost the IV's that they left on the ground that were still in the kids arm. People were in such a hurry to get up and go, equipment I would need was being left behind. The scene I was in charge of was now completely chaotic and I had no control.
We had 2 ambulances there along with about 4 fire trucks, supervisors, police, battalion chiefs, and the geniuses completely blocked in the ambulances so we couldn't leave. Now add every neighbor on the street and the crowds that saw us doing CPR on the little boys and you get the idea. Finally enough trucks were moved so that we could leave, we had a 3 car police escort to the ER for the 2 ambulances and supervisor which we generally don't have. I was able to get the breathing tube in, medications, all the protocols were done. The same drama was happening in the ambulance following behind me. In the end neither of the boys survived. We got a brief heartbeat back on my kid, but it didn't last long at all.
I guess where I'm going with this is that with all the people I have seen die in one way or another, these 2 stick out in my mind the most. Others I have completely forgotten about and even if you told me the story I might not remember them. I have more or less disconnected myself from this. After each call I move on to the next call, maybe grab some food, maybe even get a nap in. My day goes on like any other, but the families I just gave the horrible news to are just beginning their nightmare, and will be dealing with it for some time.
I have always been told from a young age that I was an "old soul". Ex girlfriends would get mad at me because I didn't show much emotion thinking that I didn't care. The thing is I do care, I guess I just have a very matter of fact way of showing it. Someone could walk through one shift with me and maybe be scarred for life, I just seem to go about my day and bumble along and existence until my next shift. I guess thats what I feel I am doing right now, just existing. I am trying to show more affection, more emotion, seem more like a person and less robotic. I feel less stressed lately in some ways, and more in others. Divorce is almost looming in the background. I am sleeping on the couch and not really allowed nor wanted in the bed anymore. Where I had inadvertently put up emotional walls, my wife has put up physical ones.
I'm not forgetting I created this mess with my depression, lack of emotion, lack of physical intimacy. My wife has told me she resents and is really angry with me for allowing myself to get like this and not getting help or medications. I want to see my counselor again, just a lack of financial resources to do this right now. My family is about to fall apart and I am solely to blame on this. I am no angel by any means, and my wife has every right to be mad for this. I mean who wants to or deserves to be married to a shell who is more like a roommate than a husband.
