My Pain is my Pleasure

[Unknown Artist]

I don't even know how to describe this disgusting trait in my mind and body, but I love pain in a toxic relationship way. I love causing pain to myself to let my blood pour out of the cuts on my legs that I hide with my socks or pants so body knows what's happening to me, I don't refuse help but I've been forced to see help as a punishment or a weakness as it's been built into my system, the first time I did self harm was in the 6th grade due to overwhelming stress and anxiety so I broke my mini pencil sharpener to take the blade and cut my skin open in class, it hurted... But then I continued instead of stopping seeing the blood come out of my arms brought me happiness instead of sadness or regret, and I continued doing it on my arms until I got caught by a teacher. But afterwards my body craved for more, my mind craves for it so without anyone in my family noticing I found an hunting knife that belonged to my older brother and began cutting my legs so it would stay hidden, seeing my blood pour out of my body made me feel happy, and I continued until the stinging was so strong it hurt to walk.

 

[Sideways]

It sounds like this has become something that you’re struggling to manage, and that it’s becoming increasingly unsafe. It’s great that you’ve been able to reach out here - that was a courageous thing to do.

Our brains can become a bit wired to start seeking out the rush, but there’s ways to ride that wave out without needing to harm ourselves - like seeking out human company, or engaging in something that’s going to give our brains the high it wants without the safety issues or shame (think sports, running, martial arts, etc).

Each time we get the urge, and ride out the wave rather than acting on it, it becomes easier to ride it out the next time.

It sounds like you’d like some support to get to the other side of this. Reaching out to a school counsellor, GP, psychologist, teacher, or someone trustworthy could be a huge source of relief and support. Worth considering - what you’re experiencing is common, and you deserve to experience kindness towards yourself.

 

[Unknown Artist]

I don't know how to delete this self reply I did on my own post, I'm sorry

 

[Unknown Artist]

It sounds like this has become something that you’re struggling to manage, and that it’s becoming increasingly unsafe. It’s great that you’ve been able to reach out here - that was a courageous thing to do.

Our brains can become a bit wired to start seeking out the rush, but there’s ways to ride that wave out without needing to harm ourselves - like seeking out human company, or engaging in something that’s going to give our brains the high it wants without the safety issues or shame (think sports, running, martial arts, etc).

Each time we get the urge, and ride out the wave rather than acting on it, it becomes easier to ride it out the next time.

It sounds like you’d like some support to get to the other side of this. Reaching out to a school counsellor, GP, psychologist, teacher, or someone trustworthy could be a huge source of relief and support. Worth considering - what you’re experiencing is common, and you deserve to experience kindness towards yourself.

I'm not the best at talking to people or to seek help as I see asking for help a punishment than comfort, I have been bullied so much in elementary school all the way to highschool and any time I seek out comfort or help the torment of my bullies became worse.

I only talked to my friends I met online but even they felt like they weren't listening to me or just ignoring my needs to let me continue suffering. The pain was how I felt comfort, it was like a pair of arms reaching out towards me to give me what I needed and I clinged onto it not realizing what I was actually doing to myself.

My old friend from middle school also caught me once but she could see what I was going through and that I was in an episode that I myself didn't know I was trapped in and she stayed with me trying to help me find the light again until she had to switch school and I was left alone and, the phantom of pain once again grabbing a hold of me and trapping me in my pain pleasuring state.

Anytime I told a teacher or professor what's going on they say I should go to a mental hospital, never once had they offered comfort towards me. I ask a therapist what to do about my problems and some laugh at me. So I just lock myself away from trying to get help, it's not that I don't want to It's just that I fear people won't understand what I'm going through.