Childhood My Parents' Reality Versus My Reality

[Victory Is Mine]

I have tried many times to gain independence from my parents, but I am currently caught in a catch-22. I have been unable to support myself for any length of time due to my PTSD and accompanying physical ailments. I keep having to return to my parents' house. The problem with this, is that they are the start of my symptoms.

They are not my only trauma at this point, but they were the first. I am trying to go through therapy while living with them and I don't think I can do it. I feel like I have been fighting tooth and nail my entire life just to be allowed to feel the way I do... simply for my right to have PTSD. See, all along my parents have denied and argued and even convinced everyone around me including my younger siblings, that I am just crazy and making stuff up.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. Both my parents were emotionally and physically abused as children. When I was very young it seems like they just repeated how they had been treated. They got better over time and my younger siblings missed most of it. My Dad used to come home from work in a bad mood and humiliate and taunt me until I reacted (cried, yelled, tried to defend myself - I knew it was unfair what he was doing) and they he would grin maliciously and declare punishment for my behavior. Usually he just sent me to my room. But the whole situation... I felt so powerless.

I was accused of things I hadn't done and interrogated for hours until I confessed. I would stand there while he screamed insults at me, telling me I was a liar, a selfish brat, whatever else. The first time I confessed to something I didn't do... it felt like something inside me crumpled. I know it seems silly, to care so much that I was innocent, but again the feelings of helplessness and terror and exhaustion and being told what an evil person I was over and over again were, I suppose, the actual trauma.

I was yelled at and punished for crying at an age when this would be considered a normal thing for a child to do... I was told I was a drama queen, that I was just doing it for attention - that EVERYTHING I did was just for attention. Selfish, evil, manipulative, lying, devious child. I began to believe it all. I started to punish myself trying to burn out the evil in me. I injured myself, forced myself to endure freezing temperatures without warm clothes, put myself through various physical discomforts, all the while repeating my father's words over and over again. They must be true. I was clearly the spawn of Satan. Why else was I constantly getting into trouble and being punished? And of course I was soon being bullied at school and getting into trouble with my teachers. I was at odds with the entire world. The problem MUST be me.

I can't seem to help getting angry and trying to confront my parents with what happened. I'm not trying to punish them, but I can't seem to let go and move on. And how can I when they keep denying any of it happened? They have different invalidating responses at different times. The other day my father told me flat out that I was lying about something he had done to me as a child. That he would never do such a thing and I had made it up out of thin air. My mother told me it was my fault because of the way I react to things. They didn't do anything wrong, I just blew it out of proportion. She cited the fact that none of my siblings have PTSD as evidence. She told me that I will never get better if I keep insisting that it was my parents' fault instead of my own.

I don't exactly know what kind of responses I want out of this thread. I'm just confused. I feel like I'm living in my parents' fantasy land where up is down and down is up and I'm the only one who won't go with the program. When I talk to other people and explain what happened, many of them don't believe me because my parents hold positions of respect in the community. I'm not sure if they also think I'm making it up or what I'm saying just doesn't fit with their idea of reality so they discard it. I've held this role of black sheep my entire life, because I can't just "get along". I have to keep causing trouble. But I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm not faking what a fantastic wreck my head is. Maybe I am just oversensitive? Maybe my trauma doesn't count and I don't deserve to say I have PTSD because my parents didn't hit me? Well... they didn't start hitting me until I was older and already messed up.

 

[sun seeker]

Oh wow... I can relate to a lot of what you write. Wish I had a solution for you but at least I want to give you some validation. I've been in that position, needing help from the very same people who were at the origin of my problems in the first place. The confusion that creates, a mixture of guilt, anger, anger at self, doubt, helplessness. Needing help, feeling guilty for needing it. Confusion, confusion and more confusion. Feeling cut off from others who know my family because the public image is so different from what I know. Wondering if I am really the problem, oversensitive as you say. Slightly different circumstances (I'm the youngest, and the least functional of my siblings; things got worse by the time I was alone with my parents) and the type of dysfunction was different, but the structure of the situation is similar. I am still confused, so I don't think I can do much to help your confusion.

There is such a sense of relief in distance and independence. As soon as you can, and whatever it takes, get away. It can only help your sanity.

 

[Casey_03]

I think you definitely have to get out, and you should concentrate your energy on finding a way to do that. It is obvious from your posting that this environment is toxic for you and you cannot move forward until you have some freedom. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but is there any way you can move out? Are there any people who might let you live with them for a few months? I realize how difficult this is, but I think this calls for thinking outside the box ... I agree that your main focus should be on getting out.

 

[shandemonium]

Can you get away from them at all?!

If not, start by seeking validation from outside that house! Come to us everyday, find some local support group that is donation based (if possible).
Do not seek validation from your abusers! They will never give it to you.

Their reality is warped and they do not see themselves. They refuse to see themselves.

Can you get on disability? Then maybe rent a room with roommates so it's more affordable?

My heart goes out to you!

Wanting attention as a child is called being a normal human child! If a child came up to you and wanted love or attention, how would you look at them? Imagine that child is you, and give her love and attention she never got and fully deserves.

Avoid your parents as much as you can while staying there. Find a sanctuary from them if possible. A place in the back yard they never go? A locked door in your room and snoring sounds like Ferris Bueller? A nearby park bench you can walk to?

You probably know their routines by now and can avoid them between 'coming home from work time- bed time'. Jeez, this brings back memories :(

I have no idea what your house and schedule are like, so I'm just throwing out ideas to get your imagination going on finding a safe temp zone for yourself.

I agree with everyone on the "get the f*ck out of there" point, but realize it takes time and planning. Finding a safe spot in or nearby in the meantime will help you sort your thoughts while planning your escape. Hugs to you if you accept!

 

[Ronin]

I'm glad you realize they're toxic for you and even so much in depth about the ways they are - that's quite a bit of work, congratz on that.
Is there a way for you to be in safe environments / with safe people who help you at least not head deeper down or can keep you afloat meantime? People that won't minimize what you're going through, even if they can't relate because their lived experience is different? I mean, unless you're forced to be with family 24/7, there are so many other people one can focus on, even through exhaustion and feeling there's nothing & interactions being difficult.

You're not over reacting. Your family sound like gaslighting nest of vipers.
And personally I don't see a point in confronting them. Unless it helps you feel autonomy from them / confrontations are energizing for you in some way, which it didn't sound so from the post. They aren't going to change the world they live in and their delusions just because anyone else spots & informs them of the difference. They aren't going to assume responsibility. They aren't going to 'get better'. Don't waste your time and energy on trying to fix them, you can't. You can help you, you can help others with similar backgrounds, but that's it.

 

[Friday]

Do you have a car? With a car and a gym membership (for showering daily, a place to exercise / read / relax / go online) homelessness isn't that bad. I know people get really freaked out by homelessness, but I've done it several different times, in a few different ways... And if you're smart about it? It can be really manageable.

One of my favorites was when I lived down south. No car. But I slept on the beach during the day. Just looked like another sunbather. Plenty of fish in the sea, didn't really even need to buy food.

A whole helluva lot of people are homeless who don't "look" homeless. $50 a month keeps your stuff in a storage locker. Gym membership keeps you showered daily. And then they go to school, go to work, etc. just like everybody else.

One of the hardest things about being a parent has meant that this option is off the table for me. There have been times where I had no choice but homelessness, because I was too much of a mess to take care of myself at all. But most of the time, it's been a choice. (I generally don't call it homeless at that point, just so people don't get stereotypes in their heads)... But that's what it's been.

 

[MCBL71]

There've been times I lived on the streets to prevent living in a worse environment at home. I don't drive, so had to walk everywhere and stay outside. I ended up getting picked up by the cops since I was court ordered to outpatient treatment for mental health. The only reason I didn't go to treatment was because I didn't have the bus fair to get back and forth. In a weird way it worked out because I spent the next six months in the state hospital, not the best place on earth, but I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach.

But most of the time, it's been a choice. (I generally don't call it homeless at that point, just so people don't get stereotypes in their heads)

A lot of people prefer to use the word 'Houseless' rather than homeless because a house is a building whereas a home is a state of mind.

 

[Victory Is Mine]

Thanks guys. I needed a dose of reality. It gets hard to fight the warped reality... especially since as a child I totally bought into it for so long. I fought really hard for a new identity and a new reality and now I'm losing my grip on it.

I know I need to get out, and I have been trying. Unfortunately my relatives and friends (ex-friends I suppose) believe I am some kind of crazy person making things up. I have friends in other parts of the country, but am mostly isolated in this area. I also live in a climate in which homelessness of any form would be unsafe for at least part of the year. The temps get below 40 degrees at night. Even in a car I would not be able to do it. I have considering trying this for the warm months but winter here is over half the year... so I wouldn't have much time before I would need to find another option. The car I am currently driving also belongs to my parents so I will need to leave it behind when I go. If I had my own car I would probably have already left to be honest. I'm not afraid of "houselessness" (I like that @MCBL71 ). I've also thought about leaving and going to a different climate. But I do currently have a good job, a great therapist, and a few sympathetic people here, so it seems foolish to give that up if there is another option.

It's tough because it's not a situation where I am in physical danger, so not everyone will understand the need to leave. I have realized that I can't move forward with getting better without leaving though, and I'm sick of being stuck. I've pulled together a life - job, friends, school, car - so many times and every time I hit this same brick wall and everything falls apart again. I FINALLY have convinced my therapist I need to get out, so she is trying to help me figure something out. Right now there are a couple shelters I could maybe get into and continue therapy... but I might lose my job.

If I can't figure out any other less drastic solution I will just head south. It seems like an irresponsible solution, I think, from an outside perspective. But I am not a child running away anymore. I am a responsible, resourceful adult with not a lot of options who wants to get better and conquer PTSD no matter what it takes!