Relationship My partner is a us navy vet and has huge anger problems. does the yelling ever stop?

[KayGee]

I've stumbled onto this forum because I've been feeling incredibly alone. I live in Canada in Vancouver, where I can honestly say I've barely met any veterans. We don't have a massive military, and I think are thus less familiar with combat PTSD. Most people assume it means that you get really scared of fireworks and can't play Call of Duty.

I've been living with my partner, a US Navy veteran who suffers from PTSD, for a year and a half. We're both young, broke, and sharing the house with my dad and my brother. It's fine for a decent amount of the time, but when he goes through waves of intense mental stress he becomes incredibly volatile. He's never hit me (I would draw a hard line here), but he gets so loud during episodes that I get terrified. All I can do is cry and cry hysterically, and he only seems to get angrier. He says awful things to me that he doesn't even mean, and dissociates.

The only thing that works is for him to leave the room and screen into a pillow somewhere else. Or he disappears for a walk to reset his brain a bit. As you can imagine, this is horrifying for family members to observe. Yelling is a huge no-go in our house, particularly having grown up with a volcano of a mother. Our experience with mental illness is depression, which is the quietest of all illnesses. You collapse inwards on yourself, rather than explode.

He uses marijuana to take the edge off symptoms, but I find that it's more of a pause button than a true fix. He also sees a councillor, and we just started seeing a couple's therapist. But part of me worries that nothing will ever change. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

To the sufferers: do you suffer from anger problems? Does this sound familiar? Were you ever able to get help and reduce outbursts?

To the supporters: what do you tell your family? People are starting to worry that I'm being abused, and it makes for a lot of guilt on both our parts. I think a lot of it comes from their lack of understanding of his condition. When he's triggered he is NOT himself. I think most people have trouble separating the healthy version from the episodic version. How do you deal with anger in your vet? How do you not take it personally?

Many thanks,
Krista

 

[EveHarrington]

I am a sufferer.

My therapist works with me on my anger issues.

We have created a 1-5 anger scale.

When I hit a "3", it is time to disengage completely. This means no more discussion, no more interaction, only complete separation.

I will add that my anger comes out less and less as outburtsts. At least with my partner-----as I don't experience loud yelling anger with him. But, it's still anger and it still has a negative effect on him.

If your partner is yelling and screaming----he's already at a 5 and it's time to completely disengage, walk away.

I have childhood trauma and anger is a dissociated part of myself (along with fear).

 

[KayGee]

That sounds like a useful tool, for sure. And I'm sure even at a 2 it isn't easy for you and your partner. But it's good to hear that you've experienced some improvement. I think what's tough is that my partner has a cocktail of childhood trauma and trauma from serving in the military, and it isn't always easy to see where one ends and the other begins. I can only imagine how hard it must be to regulate anger after being met with only yelling and physical abuse as a child...
Thank you for your thoughts on this. I'll definitely consider mentioning this scale to him.

 

[dulcia]

Most people assume it means that you get really scared of fireworks and can't play Call of Duty.

So funny. Sad and true, but funny.

He's never hit me (I would draw a hard line here), but he gets so loud during episodes that I get terrified.

I used to say this too. I think you need to realize the significance of feeling you have to say things like "he's never hit me but". During my time on this forum and in a relationship with a combat vet with PTSD, I realized that there are typically two responses to a stressful event -- fight or flight. Flight tends to look like isolating, which a lot of supporters seem to have to deal with in their relationships. I always felt like I was in the minority that had to deal with the "fight" instead. When this would happen, it looked like lashing out verbally (personal insults, degrading comments, name calling, using my insecurities against me, etc.). That eventually escalated to threats (kill me, kill my animals, what he would do with the bodies, etc.) and physical violence (pushing/shoving/grabbing; then biting, hair pulling, grabbing my neck). I did not enforce boundaries well and should have left before things got bad, for both our sake, but in the back of my mind I was letting PTSD be his excuse.

If you're terrified, that's serious, whether or not he's ever hit you. Members here talk a lot about boundaries and how the only behavior you can control is your own. You cannot control your vet, you can only control your reactions to him. So I would suggest figuring out now exactly what you will and will not put up with, and what you will do if something you won't put up with does end up happening. For example: If you ever get physically violent, I will leave the relationship.

I think most people have trouble separating the healthy version from the episodic version.

Also remember that there's not a "good" and "bad" version of him -- symptomatic or not, he is the same person. And it is his responsibility to figure out a way to manage his anger and find appropriate coping skills, not yours.

 

[Sighs]

For example: If you ever get physically violent, I will leave the relationship.

I second what @dulcia is saying, but would reword this ^^^. Remember, the boundary is YOUR boundary not his. So, "If he ever gets physically violent, I must leave the relationship." reflects this better. It might sound pedantic but it was a lightbulb moment for me in terms of understanding the difference between boundaries and ultimatums.

 

[dulcia]

@Sighs is definitely right. And then the most important part is that you have to follow through with it. An important thing my therapist worked with me on was that there's no point in setting a boundary you might not be able or willing to enforce.

 

[Freida]

All I can do is cry and cry hysterically, and he only seems to get angrier. He says awful things to me that he doesn't even mean, and dissociates.

This is NOT ok. Yep I get it. You want to be there for him, want to help him, want to love him. But it is NOT ok that things get this bad. I think we take things out on those around us because it's a safe place. But. It's not ok for PTSD to be the reason we are allowed to be cruel or violent

I'm really happy that you are doing couples counseling and he's getting additional help. I would suggest you bump these suggestions about boundaries to the top of the list, and have him work with his T on better ways to express his anger. Note that I'm not saying get rid of it. Just better ways of reacting to it

I love the 1 to 5 rating idea...that might be a place to start the conversation..

 

[Snowflakes]

@KayGee ”How to not take it personally?” That question took me 10 years to figure out. @Sighs gives the best advice about boundaries. Until I was able to grasp that single idea, then live it, my life was miserable. In my past, family brought up the emotional abuse because they could see it in my eyes. However, once I was able to understand, and live, that idea of boundaries as @Sighs described, it helped me to not take things personally and family stopped asking the questions because they could see I was ok.

Take care