Relationship My Partner Is Joining Cheat And Casual Sex Sites

[HelloMo80]

Been there, done that and have the trophy to prove it. However the trophy was no prize. Therapy sessions, and several months later, we reconnected only for him to accuse me of cheating and a host of other things.

Look...your guy is damaged. That doesn't mean he's a bad person. I get that. I think we all get that. There are things about him that you love, admire and respect. However, that does not give him permission to abuse you emotionally and take advantage of trust, forgiveness and determination to make it work. And that's what he's doing. My ex once told me that most people know what they have...they just take it for granted because they always think it will be there. Mind you, he was saying that TO ME about his perceived thoughts about my untrustworthiness. That aside, he's right. People, whether they have PTSD or not, do what they think they can because consequences are lacking; and those are the people who mean well and aren't dealing with a personality/mood/mental disorder. For those who are, consequences are ESSENTIAL to making a relationship work.

It might feel like leaving isn't the best option, but really...he's already done it once, said it was basically your fault (the whole "teach you a lesson" comment), lied and it is doing it again. You're best bet is to take some time for yourself. In situations like these, I've learned not to try to attribute the behavior to PTSD or not. Whether it is or not, the behavior IS. Now you have to figure out what to do. PTSD or not.

 

[nursenurse]

Well, I am going to disagree slightly with the ones that say he isn't necessarily a bad person. Perhaps he does have other qualities which are good, but he has a serious character flaw if he is still going on "shag" sites. It's like reading Playboy for the articles. And to me, anyone who uses that excuse to "teach someone a lesson" has lowered themselves on the Darwin scale. Bubbie, you need to evolve yourself and revolve him out that door too. No one is worth that kind of mistrust. No one.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Forgiveness is not the same thing as trust.

Forgiveness is a gift freely given by one who has been wronged. It is a letting go of negative feelings as much as possible. It is acknowledgement of that wrong and a decision to refuse to be further burdened by it.

Trust, on the other hand, is a letting down of boundaries & defenses in the belief that such vulnerability will be met with honesty, integrity, and respect.

Trust should be earned. We are never obligated to trust. We can forgive someone but not trust them. Trust is a product of consistent behavior over time.

Someone who is unpredictable yet emotionally punishing of a person who tries to keep a firm boundary is immature at best, and narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic at the worst.

Past behavior is the greatest predictor of future performance. A person with unacceptable recent past behavior has no moral authority in a relationship to demand anything.

You deserve to be with someone who is safe, trustworthy, and predictable. I hope you'll demand that.