How Do I Ask My Partner to Join the Forum?

[mightsurvive]

well in short he just said that it was silly to think like we do and that we should we more or less get over it - and thats not fair, nor is it right. Its not a way of thinking its the way i am. how do you get over something like this? you dont.

 

[Deleted member 541]

No we don't get over it. We find ways to lower stress, we find new coping skills, we find out things about ourselves that we never knew before, we find out that we are very brave, very strong people. We find out that we are compassionate and filled with empathy for others.

It's not fair that he doesn't understand, and it isn't nice that he isn't supportive. It's ok though. You have support here and you are trying to heal yourself. So keep moving forward. It does and can get better, and so can you. We may never be the same as before, but we can get better to a degree, if not a lot.

Hang in there.

 

[mightsurvive]

Thank you She Cat
I know you are right in saying that we wont get over it but will learn to cope. It just hurts so badly to think he sees me like that. Feels like he doesnt care at all. But i know he does really. He just doesnt understand. I allowed him in to try and help me. I never do that but i thought that maybe it was worth the risk. But now im learning that letting someone in is the wrong thing to do. And that really hurts. I feel so rejected after all my efforts to try and open up. Why do i even bother? It just compounds my thoughts that i should keep my mouth quiet. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Thought i was doing well and then this hits me in the face. Its not the fact that he said no to coming on here. Its the fact that he thinks im acting silly about my trauma. I'm not im just trying to survive the only way i know how. and he doesnt understand that...... right now im really going round in circles.

 

[Marlene]

I asked my husband to come here and look around...not to join. I wanted that to be his decision. Even though he didn't join, he's very supportive of me being here and a lot of things I read here (especially in the carer's section) become things we discuss. I know we talk a lot more about issues than we did before. And I know that the forum has helped a bit with this.

Whatever he decides, you've got to remember that it's his decision. No pressure.

Lisa

 

[ruddy]

Mightsurvive

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.

As I read your posts I'm wondering if your husband is in denial. Perhaps you have accepted your diagnosis of ptsd and he has not. Could he be frightened by it? Sometimes we all try to hide from problems that frighten us. Maybe he just needs some time to catch up to you.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself. You have support here.

Ruddy

 

[mightsurvive]

Awww thank you Ruddy.

I hadnt seen it like that. Maybe im just expecting too much from him. He could be frightened that he is losing me because i spend more time on here trying to sort my head out than i do talking to him at the moment. Maybe if he thinks he accepts that i have ptsd then he thinks... oh i dont know. but it is possible that hes in denial and that hes scared too. I can symathise with him if he's trying to hide from this problem. I need to be patient.

You look after yourself too. i know im not alone here.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Hee hee, ummm what he said, I could only imagine what someone said about a site full of people with a mental disorder! It is OK. You won't be hurting people here saying it for the most part (I am sure some may). My husband does not see me as "mentally ill", but others with this? He is more blunt and not always so kind. I really cannot remember the exacts how I got him to look here.

He has learned in time mental illness does not mean lack of sense.

You did not make a mistake letting someone in. Don't just bottle it up. This will backfire badly. Some will be willing to learn in time and accept others won't. That simple sadly. Hell, my mother LOL... She send me articles on mold in the home and since I lived in a swampy area for a few years she swore this is my problem. And my diet, she thinks if I don't eat red meat I will get better. OK, I rarely eat it anyway and how that adds up to PTSD? But to give you an idea some are just like that.

Maybe you should just suggest to him to read the info section. It is very useful for those who live with us as well as us. Good points it is not all based on personal opinions but mainly facts. From what I observe from my guy... Get the "emotional" opinions out of the way and just get to the real meat of things.

Just some thoughts and so much luck to you on this! You are trying and that really counts.

 

[mightsurvive]

Thanks marlene
Glad to hear that it has helped you and your hubby to be here.Dont think he will even consider looking at this site but maybe that will come in time.... and maybe not. Its not his decission that i'm hurting over and i have to hope that he will change his opinion on ptsd in the future.

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya veiled
Glad to know my huby isnt the only one who sees it this way... sort of. Feeling numb at the moment so alls well. I cant change what he thinks and i have to acceot that. Only he can change what he thinks i guess. I hope more than anything that he does.

Don't know when ill have the confidence to let anyone else back in apart from on here and i know i have my new counsellor too. But hey. He wanted a "cuddle" tonight and i just couldnt with the way i was feeling about what he thinks but i think im over it... or is it the numbness?

Wow your mum... and i thought i was mad lol.

I'm not going to broach the subject with him again unless he brings it up. Maybe one day he wil want to read the information section on here. You never know.

And yes i am trying... very trying lol.

Take care

 

[Deleted member 93]

Wow your mum... and i thought i was mad lol.

In time my mom's points of view have turned into a running joke here. She is very much in denial how such a strong person is "broken". It was funny as hell about the red meat as she seemed to forget I owned a a farm raising birds as our bulk meat supply that O personally processed and lived on the coast and was an avid fisherman.

My twin who means very well was upset when some blessed metal she gave me I stopped wearing. (I am not as up to date on being a Catholic as I should so not much idea what it is to do) She swore this would help so much, it turned out it just got entangled with my cross and my hair. Drove me nuts.

My ex husband swears I just need to let things roll off my back and I will be fine...

Now the bizzaro world is my hubby and his family. They all read up on it and go out of their way to be helpful (not enabling) and understanding without ever making me feel like a freak. Because they did research.

You know the book I Can't Get Over It may be good at putting things in a way he can get. Maybe sparing an appointment with counselor. These can be very good at helping the spouse get on the same page. Your appointments may be very limited but this may be good use of one visit. My doc was very good at putting things in a way he got and rephrased what I meant. He did very well also at rephrasing "man talk" into a way my mind got. It did worlds of good.

 

[Marlene]

Mightsurvive,

Two things I've noticed as a running theme through here with people who deal with PTSD-sufferers and care givers-(myself and mine included), is 1-That it's either accepted as a new reality for all involved or not. And 2-Once you accept it, you tend to have a bit of a melt down. Not sure why. Maybe because reality finally breaks through the walls of denial and you get scrambled in the brain for a bit? I'm sure there's a very technical term for it...I just don't have it.

Both my husband and I had our little melt downs. Mine was prior to his. It's hard changing your reality. It's hard for your partner to change their reality. But it is necessary to do for dealing with this or any other chronic mental issues. When my hubby finally had his, I was half relieved, half scared (he doesn't show emotion that much...boy he did that day!) and I lost my tangerine tree. He took it apart piece by piece while ranting and raving about everything. Now that we've both accepted this as part of our lives, it's been a whole lot easier for both of us.

What ruddy said about your hubby needing time to catch up is so true. Remember, his world has been turned upside down just as yours has, too. He's probably scared trying to figure out what happened and how does he get things back to being known and secure.

Being there for each other, being honest and open are some of the best ways to get over this rough patch of working the realities of PTSD into your lives.

Lisa

 

[hodge]

Mightsurvive,

I've also asked my husband to join here. I sent him the link. He hasn't come yet. When I asked him why, he said something like, it feels weird and overwhelming. I think he's still having a tough time accepting this. So you're definitely not alone. The other day, I emailed him one of the carer articles, but haven't asked him yet if he read it. We have talked about it, and he seems willing, but I think he is still pretty freaked out about the whole thing, even though I was diagnosed more than two years ago and he has seen the changes in me. He has agreed to go to one of my therapy sessions. Maybe that will help. Anyway, just my experience so far.

Good luck, and maybe a therapy session together would help, as others have suggested. Your husband may well be in some combination of denial, feeling overwhelmed, and just plain upset that this has invaded your life together.

Hodge