Sarah_Rose
New Here
Hello everyone, this is my first post here! First I want to warn everyone that this is might trigger those with sexual abuse history. So don't read if you're not in a stable place! Also, eating disorder TW.
Well, I am currently 19 years old. My childhood was filled with innocent childhood exploration. Two boys my age would often ask me to "show them my privates" and things like that. Now, when I started getting older I had an older female cousin who began to force me into sexual things. I was about 8 years old when that began. She is 5 years older than me and was about 13 when this began. She would get me to play doctor, as that was my favorite game and I would play it very innocently. I wanted nothing more than to put casts on her arms with ace bandages and things like that. I once covered my entire teddy bear in tape because I believed he needed a full body cast. Well she would turn the game into this really messed up sexual game. She would tell me she wanted to get her "tubes tied" so she couldn't have babies, then she would make me "test it out" with her. It always ended up with me being forced to touch her, her hump me, make me lick her, etc. This went on many many times. As we got older her games would change. She once locked me in a closet with her at her house, and locked the bedroom door as well (I still don't know why anyone has locks on their closets....) but she made me touch her then too. I remember always feeling uncomfortable and violated. I remember never agreeing. I remember her insisting this had to be our secret. Then later on I started to make it stop and not hang around her as much. I would say it ended when I was about 12. I was always afraid of her as she was quite a dominant aggressive teenager.
Then when I was in high school she had told me that her grandfather was sexually abusing her. I had forgiven her at this time for all the things she did to me. I had honestly believed she didn't know better and it was his fault she did those things to me. Long story short, my parents let her move into our house. Shortly after, weird things started happening. She started making incest jokes to me. She told me I was her "incester" like I was her sister but with an incest relationship. She once made me draw her naked when she was like 19 years old and I was 15. She would change in front of me, ask me to masturbate around her, she would try to get me to show her my boobs I would tell her I wasn't comfortable with that, then one day she got me very very drunk and the next day I woke up to photos on my Photo Booth on my laptop of her kissing my cheek and being really touchy.
Eventually she started being really rude with my parents and blah blah blah. We kicked her out. While she was living with me all of the past memories started creeping up. I began cutting myself, I developed bulimia and I kept having nightmares. I also was very suicidal. Then when she moved out I started getting worse, but didn't think a whole lot of it. I never really put all of it together until later on. Well, towards the end of high school I attempted suicide because I got drunk with friends and had these horrible flashbacks. I started going to therapy, then quit. Then got really bad and started to go to therapy again. I learned I have a phobia because I associate her abuse with some of the childhood exploration I participated in. (That's a complicated thing, it's a really weird phobia that I don't care to share) I have been working really hard with a therapist and I saw a psychiatrist. I was formally diagnosed with PTSD and bulimia. I am 4 months cut free, I haven't binged/purged in quite some time, and i'm doing a lot better than I was. I still have bad days, I still have some flashbacks and I still get the desire to hurt myself occasionally. But that's my story and i'm working on recovery.
Well, I am currently 19 years old. My childhood was filled with innocent childhood exploration. Two boys my age would often ask me to "show them my privates" and things like that. Now, when I started getting older I had an older female cousin who began to force me into sexual things. I was about 8 years old when that began. She is 5 years older than me and was about 13 when this began. She would get me to play doctor, as that was my favorite game and I would play it very innocently. I wanted nothing more than to put casts on her arms with ace bandages and things like that. I once covered my entire teddy bear in tape because I believed he needed a full body cast. Well she would turn the game into this really messed up sexual game. She would tell me she wanted to get her "tubes tied" so she couldn't have babies, then she would make me "test it out" with her. It always ended up with me being forced to touch her, her hump me, make me lick her, etc. This went on many many times. As we got older her games would change. She once locked me in a closet with her at her house, and locked the bedroom door as well (I still don't know why anyone has locks on their closets....) but she made me touch her then too. I remember always feeling uncomfortable and violated. I remember never agreeing. I remember her insisting this had to be our secret. Then later on I started to make it stop and not hang around her as much. I would say it ended when I was about 12. I was always afraid of her as she was quite a dominant aggressive teenager.
Then when I was in high school she had told me that her grandfather was sexually abusing her. I had forgiven her at this time for all the things she did to me. I had honestly believed she didn't know better and it was his fault she did those things to me. Long story short, my parents let her move into our house. Shortly after, weird things started happening. She started making incest jokes to me. She told me I was her "incester" like I was her sister but with an incest relationship. She once made me draw her naked when she was like 19 years old and I was 15. She would change in front of me, ask me to masturbate around her, she would try to get me to show her my boobs I would tell her I wasn't comfortable with that, then one day she got me very very drunk and the next day I woke up to photos on my Photo Booth on my laptop of her kissing my cheek and being really touchy.
Eventually she started being really rude with my parents and blah blah blah. We kicked her out. While she was living with me all of the past memories started creeping up. I began cutting myself, I developed bulimia and I kept having nightmares. I also was very suicidal. Then when she moved out I started getting worse, but didn't think a whole lot of it. I never really put all of it together until later on. Well, towards the end of high school I attempted suicide because I got drunk with friends and had these horrible flashbacks. I started going to therapy, then quit. Then got really bad and started to go to therapy again. I learned I have a phobia because I associate her abuse with some of the childhood exploration I participated in. (That's a complicated thing, it's a really weird phobia that I don't care to share) I have been working really hard with a therapist and I saw a psychiatrist. I was formally diagnosed with PTSD and bulimia. I am 4 months cut free, I haven't binged/purged in quite some time, and i'm doing a lot better than I was. I still have bad days, I still have some flashbacks and I still get the desire to hurt myself occasionally. But that's my story and i'm working on recovery.
