My Ptsd Sufferer Dumped Me

[Chloekim]

My girlfriend dumped me. She has ptsd. She had shut me out. Everything was going great for 4 months, except my x is living with me and wont leave till i refi and I cannot do that yet due to credit. We were talking about moving in together and spending forever together. Then she pushed away had rarely texted me, she was being very grumpy with me. She was fine when she was unemployed, then she got a job, a very physically demanding job. She was working 5 to 7 days a week. The last time I saw her was valentines day. When she broke up with me, she told me she didnt have room in her life for me and my son. I did try some physical stuff on vday when she was exhuasted. She seemed to be responding till she said: "You dont care that Im exhuasted do you?" I stopped and apologized, but I think it may have set her off more.

When we broke up she said she was setting bounderies and that she needed to do this. She said she didnt want to lose me as a "friend" and she didnt know how she would feel in 3 months or whatever. She said she didnt know where her feelings went for me, but she was not showing any signs of ptsd. She was having $ problems (lost her job), wants to be self suffcient. She lost her job and is giving up her house and moving in with her parents even though we had talked about moving in together. She was great before she got the job. Anyway, once she broke up with me, she started being herself again. She is calling and texting and we are sharing. She wanted to see us in person and do dinner last week. She got sick so we couldnt do any of that and I had other plans too so it didnt work out. I want to wait for her, but Im really afraid of being hurt. Although, not waiting would hurt alot too because I know what we had was amazing. And amazing and having love like that is soooo rare. I also have things to work on, i am clingy when I get scared someone is going to leave me... and i know that is hard on her cuz she is the opposite. Have fear of abandonment, anxiety etc. My friends just say move on. But it has been years since I gave myself so completely to someone and I do love her.
Anyone with experience feel like giving some advice?

 

[Sandi79]

One, get into therapy for yourself. Just for yourself. Not to make this work, not to get her back.

Two, PTSD is hard, loving someone with PTSD is hard. But when they tell you something you need to listen. She says she needs to do this for herself, so let her.

Three, you do not need a defined relationship. It's a title, words, nothing more. You mentioned she is talking to you, calling, wants to spend time with you, so do that.

My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years, lived together for 5 months, but then a lot of life events pushed him too much and he needed to move out so that he could define himself and work on his issues. He needed to "get his sh*t together" as he said. That was three months ago. Since then we have maintained our relationship, we have worked on ourselves and our relationship is better and stronger than ever. I am not saying we won't have issues ever again, but we are communication effectively.

Life happens. It cannot be planned out. You cannot predict the future or control it, so enjoy today. Whatever today brings.

 

[Chloekim]

I am of course letting her. I have no choice. She asked for a break before we broke up. I gave it, less so than now because I didnt understand as much. I have been giving her space and letting her do what she needs to do. I told her I would wait. She is afraid of me waiting, more than I am. Because at the time, she didnt know where her feelings for me went and didnt know if they would ever come back. I know that talking about feelings is out right now unless she brings them up. I am pretty sure I cannot tell her I love her cuz i think it will freak her out. but she already knows. and I am going to wait for her to say it again. If she does. Much hasnt changed though. She doesnt tell me about as much as she did before. But she tells me most of it... and eventually she tells me everything important.

I am in therapy. I have just started 2 months ago, had to change therapists because of circumstances, but I think it is a good move cuz I think she will be more helpful than the other therapist. I am in therapy for me, my son, and because I want to have more healthy relationships. And being in a relationship... the title is important to me. I dont know why. It is something i will be working on in therapy.

Its hard loving anyone. Its harder to love someone with ptsd. Its extremely rare to find someone you love and who loves you as intensely. I know its there, she just "lost it" I dont understand, but I know that she is an amazing person and I love her and for me that doesnt go away. If it means it hurts me and I have to be amazingly patient, I will. At least until she tells me to get out of her life, or if the pain is bigger than the love, which would take alot.

I am hopeful because she still wants me in her life. But she says she has never had this happen to her before. She says she isnt having any more ptsd symptoms too. So I dont know if it is ptsd or if its just me. She said the week before she still loved me before she broke up with me. She wont says she doesnt love me but says she doesnt know. I know I have pushed her at times. But have backed off and apologized. I just dont know if this is the ptsd or if I just need to move on.

It sounds like you are saying stop worring about labels and go with it.

 

[Sandi79]

There is no way to know if its PTSD or you. I came here seeking that same answer. But everyone is different and no one can tell you if it's PTSD or the relationship is just over.

I can share what works in my relationship but my partner is not yours. There were times I thought for sure, it was done and over. He said he didn't love me, couldn't be with anyone, etc. Truth was, he didn't love himself and he was not pushing me away like I thought, he was hoping I would pull him back. It was only after much trial and error and some very heavy conversations that he could open up and tell me what he meant by his actions and what he needed.

Once I stopped worrying about his issues, stopped trying to make everything better and "fix" things, stopped taking things personally, he could open up to me.

The best advice anyone gave me was for he and I to become best friends. And I thought that we had been, we said we were..but we were not. My best female friend and I share everything, without judgement. If we disagree, we take a few days and don't talk. She knows everything about me and does not think less of me. We share everything. My boyfriend and I are doing that now.

 

[Chloekim]

Thank you.

 

[Chloekim]

She doesn't want to talk about feelings right now. So I am respecting that. I just figured if she didn't want to continue, because she knows I am not just going to give up, that she would tell me to shove off and get out of her life.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like you have a lot of self awareness and it's great that you are getting therapy for yourself. It sounds like you are doing a lot right.

What stands out for me is that it is a pattern that people with more "clingy" or preoccupied attachment patterns tend to be drawn towards people with more avoidant and disorganized attachment patterns - in other words, people with fears of abandonment seem to be drawn towards people who tend who tend to abandon or push people away. My therapist says it's not quite known all the reasons why this happens but that working on our own stuff helps shift these patterns. I don't really have any advice on that - just a thought.

You mentioned not knowing if her pattern of relating to you is PTSD related - it could be. It could also be that she is stressed about money and a lack of a job, and moving in with family (which is hard under the best circumstances) and managing that and relationship is a lot to do. Doing that and battling unseen PTSD can be even harder. Being in relationship with a guy who you hoped to move in with but due to circumstances he still lives with his ex, that would be hard for many people without PTSD. It could stir up insecurities you didn't intend and in her effort to try and respect your situation, she is stuffing it, or it's coming out sideways. Maybe she was really disappointed that plans to move in with you instead of family fell through. Only she really knows.

I think it's great you are working I respect her boundaries.

Just a few questions, that you don't have to answer -

Are you being honest with her and yourself about what you want in a relationship, even a friendship? (Which doesn't mean invading boundaries - and maybe you are being totally honest.)

If she never changes, and keeps pushing you away at times, is this ok with you over the long haul? Is it ok for your son? (It may fit what all three of you need very well - I don't know.)

Is she in therapy for herself?

 

[Chloekim]

She says that she doesn't really have much in the way feelings right now and is just trying to survive. She is in therapy once a week. She also rides horses to as a theraputic thing in her life. I highly doubt she will never change. I know she is in there somewhere. I know it will be a long road. My therapist told me about that cling ppl usually are attracted to the opposite too. I am being honest with her. She knows where I stand. I was very clear about that. She knows i am working on my stuff and I am going to wait for her. She knows if she decides that we can never be romantically involved again or if she falls for someone else, I need her to tell me. She has agreed to that. She hasn't changed with my son. She still treats him the same when she sees him. I know starting over as friends will be good for us. We went way too fast in the beginning. I am thinking the only way we will not get back together is if she never gets feelings back for me. But I doubt the numbness will go on forever. She is going through a really tumultuouse time and I think anyone would shut down if they were going through what she is. There is more to the story, but her sister devistated her and there is a lawsuit. So i am thinking things just got to be too much and her mind just said enough and went into shut down mode. I could be wrong though. Eventually if she does not change back to half the person I met last year, I would have to give up on her. But I am not ready to do that by any means.

 

[reallydown]

Hi Chloekim. Your story sounds a lot like something I've been going through...I'll share some of it in the hope that it will be helpful...I became close friends with this girl about 4 years ago...and almost immediately she started flirting with me etc. We kept getting closer as friends and eventually I developed feelings for her...Anyway lots of innuendo, flirting, physical contact initiated by her...Eventually I told her I fell in love with her and tried to distance myself but she said she couldn't handle the distance etc. Now the thing is, I have ptsd, and she is bipolar and she's had a really horrible history of abuse, rape, bad relationships with men...She'd say she was in love with me too and we were about to start a relationship, but then she freaked out and said she wasn't. Now we were so close and so in tune with each other, there's definitely something there. But like you, I have abandonment issues so between my ptsd and her bipolar it was probably going to be a train wreck. I was there as a friend and supported her after her latest suicide attempt...Then she was out of the country for several months and we kept in touch and throughout all that time she kept saying she loves me etc but I didn't dare go further (I did wirte her a letter before she left, telling her how I feel - I never really had a chance and it's really difficult for me to open up and be vulnerable but since she was possibly gone for good...I had to tell her)...

Anyway she came back and as we started to hang out more, she continued flirting with me, and we shared some very intense feelings etc. She'd take my hand when we walked, eventually sent me a song that clearly said she feels the same way, said other things and did other things and we were essentially starting a relationship. And then, it suddenly stopped. She stopped texting me. Turns out she'd been talking to some guy and wasn't even gonna tell me until I asked what was going on...We had kissed etc. but had not taken it further...Anyway long story short, I was blamed by her sister (also a friend of mine) for "pressuring her" (oh I forgot to mention, this was a same sex thing...and she's from a culture where it's not ok), I was made to be the bad guy in the whole thing...Accused of being abusive (I never pressured her and was certainly not in anyway abusive etc and the sister was not present for any of it so she has no idea which means my friend probably threw me under the bus simply to save her own skin) And now the friendship is gone too. Now I am not the greatest expert when it comes to these things but I'm pretty sure the feelings were mutual and my guess is the family (sister?) pressured her into ending it with me (before it really started properly) but there it is...We were best friends. We had shared things with each other that we had not shared with anyone else. I was the person she called if she needed grounding. When she needed to talk etc. I could often feel when she'd contact me, before she would. I knew intuitively when she wasn't doing well etc. I'd give ehr space but I'd also sometimes have to keep contacting her just to make sure she was ok etc

So I guess what I was trying to say, albeit in a convoluted and much too long a post, is that it's good that you're giving her space. And it's good that you are getting help but it might be time to make plan B, just in case. Obviously, you were in an actual relationship, so it's not quite like my situation. I can't say don't hope. When the love si there and so strong, you have to keep hoping. I still find myself hoping because deep down I know there's love there but in my case, I have to start letting go. I guess just be ready for the possibility that maybe she is done. I hope that's not the case and I hope you two will manage to work it out and get back together. But it is damn hard to have a relationship in the best of circumstances, let alone when one or more people are ill. I hope this was at least in some way helpful. Anyway, good luck!

 

[Chloekim]

Wow. thank you for sharing that. We were in a same sex relationship too. It doesn't matter on this forum. no one has said anything to me anyway. Shame on the sister for being such a jerk... shame on your x girlfriend, because whether she likes it or not, you were in a relationship.... It is sad that this is still happening. I am so sorry for your loss. Feel free to message me anytime. Id be happy to talk to you. Just because the word girlfriend wasn't said, doesn't mean it didn't happen.

We are still texting every day... although I shouldn't say that today because I probably jinxed myself. She had particularly hard day. She is basically going through a really difficult trauma right now having to do with legal issues and family. She was ok this morning before she had a meeting and after that nothing. I contacted her to check on her. She said she didn't want to talk. I am letting her be. I just want to fix everything for her and protect her, but that is not my job any longer. I am just trying to give her her space and try to find a way to make myself ok... make myself realize have to come first... its really hard to realize that it isn't my fault even though she says it is not the ptsd. I want to be there for her, but she is pushing me away. I am going to do the best I can and be as compassionate as I can with her. I just don't know for sure if it is her pushing me away because she doesn't have feelings for me or if it is because of the ptsd and only time will tell. I told her I couldn't be friends with her any more last weekend. I could not go through with it. I was drinking and acting a fool, so she seemed ok after I apologized. I am just spewing words right now because I am upset. I miss her. I want to be there for her... and I cannot be.

 

[Aly5833]

I suffer from ptsd and anxiety disorder. Relationships with us can be very difficult. If you think you can endure and you really live her I can give some advice on how to best interact with her.
** If she says she doednt want to talk or gives the vibe that she is uncertain of her feelings...do not contact her. Wait for her to contact you...It's really easy for a ptsd sufferer to run because they start to feel trapped and smothered.** If she has acknowledged to you clearly that she suffers from ptsd then as a friend first advice her to seek ongoing counceling. This is vital in her survival especially in a relationship. (( relationships are difficult enough and require work. Having ptsd requires special needs. Ongoing therapy is crucial)). ** Always respect boundaries..It sounds like you do and that you really care but if you really want a relationship with her and she comes to you and recipicates, you too could benefit in going to therapy yourself with a therapist who specializes in ptsd therpy. If the relationship becomes serious, you may both benefit by going to a ptsd therapist to keep the relationship healthy because real issues will come up....I wish my partner would have made an effort to do this for me...but they didn't. Their needs proved to be much more important than mine. I hope this helps. Sounds like you are on the right track. Stay strong:))