My Relationship Is Failing Due To My Ptsd

[carrieon]

Well, I've been a member here for 2 years but never posted... Maybe if I did sooner, I wouldn't be in this position.

I'm in a long term relationship - 6 years - and whilst it's never been easy, it is now really failing, on account of my PTSD.

I have PTSD after 5 years of childhood sexual abuse, and a violent gang rape at 13. After that I engaged in a lot of damaging sexual 'relationships' with much older men, that I now recognise as abuse too. I feel like my body hasn't been mine for more than half of my life.

I recently quit my job, and having all this spare time on my hands has really seen my brain go into overdrive, and now I CANNOT be intimate with my partner. I used to try to be, sometimes out of feeling obligated and other times out of hope that maybe I could change my 'narrative' by having positive experiences (didn't work..).... But now, I just can't even bear to touch him, or have him touch me. My brain perceives anything we do sexually as abuse, even just cuddling is too much for me. I often panic, and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I become violent because I feel extremely threatened in that moment.

My boyfriend has always been empathetic and understanding, but intimacy is very important to him, it always has been and it's something I liked when our relationship first started (I was still seeking out attention in the 'wrong' ways, I guess) - not just sex, he just enjoys touching in any capacity (he thinks it is because he is adopted, he never had a 'motherly' figure). Since I've hit my wall he's become very sad, and I feel terrible that I can't give him what he needs.

I feel like ending the relationship due to the intimacy issues would be an 'easy way out', but to be honest, I'm at a stage in my life where I don't WANT to become 'better' in regards to intimacy... I feel like I've been sexual or sexualised almost my entire life, and I just want... NEED... a break for it. To be honest, I feel a-sexual; I could happily never ever engage in sexual behaviour again.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has hit this same wall, and how you dealt with it?
I feel like the 'right' response for me and my mind and my body would be to let him go, as well so he can find someone who can fulfil what he needs, but of course there's an underlying sense of sadness because I still love him very much...

Thank you.

 

[Joseph King]

Well, I've been a member here for 2 years but never posted... Maybe if I did sooner, I wouldn't be in...

Hi,
This subject is not in my ballpark, but I did want to respond so you know that someone is listening. My hope is that as the sun rises, some will be able to respond to this more effectively. I am up because I have insomnia. I usually get up at 11am. lol
Hang in there and let's see if we can get some more people in on this.
You are not alone,
Joseph :)

 

[carrieon]

Hi,
This subject is not in my ballpark, but I did want to respond so you know that someone is liste...

Thank you very much, it means a lot.

 

[Joseph King]

Thank you very much, it means a lot.

You are welcome,
Make the best of your day,
Joseph :)

 

[carrieon]

Bump... Can anyone help?

 

[Joseph King]

Bump... Can anyone help?

Is anyone available to help with this post?
This is not an area I have answers for.
Hi Carrieon,
Don't give up, you are not alone,
Let's find someone that knows more about this specifically.
Joseph :)

 

[Naoru]

Hi! I don't have any advice or answers, but I wanted to tell you many of us probably understand how you're feeling. Would you guys consider couples counseling? or are you in individual therapy? Has he given some sort of ultimatum? Good luck,

 

[carrieon]

Hi! I don't have any advice or answers, but I wanted to tell you many of us probably understand how you'r...

Thank you for your response. I'm not in therapy at the moment, but have been in the past and I didn't find it a great help, so I'm reluctant to try couples counselling too.
He hasn't given me any ultimatum, but he's just been very sad, and I think he's just realised that intimacy isn't possible indefinitely, and I think it hit him quite hard.
I have decided that it's in both of our best interests to take a break from now... Now I just have to tell him :-(

 

[Abstract]

We are all different so know that its OK to decide what you need and want to do. I relate to some of this. When I first started realising how things were I had a therapist at the time that didn't understand trauma. She was pushing me to get counselling and I couldn't tell her how destabilising just the idea of it improving was. Let alone anything else. I didn't want to think about it or think about things changing. I couldnt have written this until very recently. Telling me I could feel differently about it at that point wasn't at all helpful. Things have improved a bit for me now despite it not being on my agenda. I can hug and be hugged. Some other things too. Even the idea of anything else intimate involving another person still freaks me out completely.

One thing I would add though is that I don't think we should decide for others what is best for them. Do this if it is right for you but he is an adult and can decide if its too much for him. If you are able to (I haven't been) then having a conversation about it may be helpful. I have done a lot of work learning how to let others take responsibility for their own decisions.

I do think people have a right to expect the person to at least be working on an issue. My husband hasn't done that and I am not in the place where I am willing to work on this problem so I would have to go if he felt that way. Even though I totally support the expectation. You may well feel differently as you heal. The amount of change I have seen without me working specifically on this has demonstrated that to me but I understand that may feel irrelevant to you right now.

Have you had therapy with a trauma specialist?

 

[mamachick]

Just wanted to say how much I agree with what Abstract said in post above. Only you can decide and you must do whatever is best for you. I do hope you have a therapist to discuss this with, particularly in regard to ending your relationship. (no judgement intended)

I do think many people can relate or identify what you are saying. Some more and some less. I identify completely, sorry to say.

We will be married for 30 yrs this week. We separated after 17 and I had no ptsd symptoms although I had trauma from prior, and sexual abuse. During separation, many things happened. At some point, the ptsd really took over and hijacked my life. In past few yrs. I have been sexually assaulted. I still have hard time saying this as they were both friends who thought no doesn't mean no. I have also felt sexualized all my life. When people talk about fight or flight, it is exactly that. I don't want touched and the fight or flight is on. This has worsened things.

I have no desire to work on this issue at the time and maybe that seems selfish and maybe it is. Right now, I feel so beaten down that intimacy is like at least 10th on a list of issues to work on, and I am getting nowhere with the other 9. I guess I have compared it to Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. When you are fighting for air, water, food, security, etc.-intimacy is something I can't even imagine desiring at this time.

I am not saying this is normal. My husband started staying at my house because of my physical problems and has accepted my terms. We went to counseling and the counselors mouth about dropped. To be serious, intimacy or leaving relationship are not only options. We are kind of old and had yrs of intimacy and can see how age would effect expectations. Some people have an open relationship and seek it outside the relationship. I would not care if he did. We are friends on some level, have had 2 children together, have financial obligations together, do get along on most levels. Like you, I have no desire for change and do not expect it in future but can't say for sure, but sure to not want to put someone off that way so I say likely it will never happen and he is ok with it.

I can fully understand how you feel sexualized in our society. I am so sorry you are going through this. Im here if you need to talk.

 

[Kintsugi]

This is a tough situation. I completely understand the disappearance of your desire for sexual or otherwise intimate contact because of your trauma, but is this really rooted in the fact that you are simply very symptomatic because you have the time and psychological space to address your PTSD? To me, it seems like you are in a stable/safe enough place right now that your traumas are resurfacing very pointedly, which is causing your symptoms to be at a high, which is causing you to avoid stimuli you associate with your trauma (sexual and otherwise intimate contact with a man).

If this is the case, then I do see how you might feel asexual and happy never to engage in such contact again, but I have to liken this to other trauma types in order to take the raw emotion regarding sexual trauma--and most especially childhood sexual trauma, which I think we all have a really visceral reaction to--out of the assessment of your symptomatic reaction. Stated differently, certain trauma types (sexual, interpersonal, vehicular) exist in a realm that healthy people encounter and re-encounter throughout their lives (rather than, say, natural disasters and war zone types of trauma). Sexual and especially childhood sexual abuse, however, are considered particularly emotionally charged subjects, and one can empathize with never wanting to re-encounter that realm of life again due to the horrible personal nature of this trauma. Therefore, I will use a different example that is less emotionally charged to break down what I see happening in a different trauma type by creating a parallel with a different trauma.

Let's say your trauma was repeated vehicular trauma. In spite of PTSD, you continued commuting to work. However, let's say you experienced an illness, long-term vacation, layoff, or another circumstance that gave you a lot of time off, and in that time off, you stopped driving for awhile. In this time, your symptoms flared up badly, and you suddenly could not cope with driving a vehicle, because your PTSD is kicking your ass, and the idea of getting into a car considering your repeated vehicular trauma is simply unbearable, and just sitting in the car is making you panic. You are happy to never drive again, but perhaps driving has byproducts that you would miss (freedom to roam, ease of scheduling, etc).

Typically, people would respond to that situation by suggesting you look into Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE), which would entail you exposing yourself very slowly to the thing you are avoiding which is triggering your anxiety response (in this case, a car). You really feel like you never want to drive again, but exposure therapy allows you to become more and more comfortable with the distressing area of life (driving) that has certain benefits you still want in your life.

Do you see where I'm headed with this?

I also had long term childhood sexual trauma, and I too have been retraumatized by teen rape and several sexual assaults. Shit, I was sexually assaulted last month at a party, and my friend who was also assaulted wanted to press charges, so now I have a load of shit on my plate cooperating with police in this "sexual battery" case. :dead:

However, I am well aware that I have had positive sexual experiences, even though there have been times I can't be intimate due to being highly symptomatic, sometimes for many months and sometimes merely for hours at a time. I jump, cringe, and feel like my skin is on fire when someone unexpectedly touches me. I'm learning to hug my best friend's very young son without feeling dirty for sharing healthy and normal affection with a child, because my own childhood was so twisted in terms of understanding healthy affection and love versus abuse and pain disguised as affection and love.

In spite of how emotionally fraught this issue is, I think it's important to look at it in the context of PTSD as a trauma type that can be compared to less fraught trauma types, as I have done above. Through viewing your problem in this manner--as a product of PTSD symptoms and not really just a lifestyle choice--I think you may find more answers, even if it feels less sympathetic and more pathologized than you might have hoped.

All my kindest regards.

 

[mamachick]

I see Simly Simons point. I think they are good examples and great analogy. Of course Im sure there is much more to your situation.

Don't know why you are not working now and have this time. Some have so much physical illness that they are unable to work. Others have agoriphobia and cant leave the house. Only you can know how far you can push yourself. My fear for you is that you state you have even become violent, and I dont think anything is worth that, as that could end in an arrest. I also hear you not wanting to confuse your partner. It can be confusing, it is ok today, but not tomorrow.