Sexual Assault My Secret Story

[Blutarg]

On a roll here before I crash!:oops:

There was a boy (neighbor) he was a grade below me, but not even 6 months younger it was from like 6th-8th grades. He would get me usually outside when it was dark and use his finger. He would dare me to yell and have someone see me "like this" One particular time at least 2 others did this with him, also taking turns, also with their fingers. My older brother was present!!!!!!!! To this day I don't know how much he participated. I do know that he did absolutely NOTHING to help me.

These by the way are "minor" incidents especially compared to the incidents that occurred while I served in the military. However still something I have held secret and NEVER revealed to anyone.

WonderingWhy, you say these are 'minor' incidents but they are plaguing you so I wouldn't class them in that category. Your brother was older so he should have done something - he should have been there as your big brother! I wish he had for your sake and I'm sorry he wasn't.

Just remember that you were younger and you didn't think like you do now. :affection:

So far, so good. You are doing just fine. Keep going when you're ready :hug:

 

[WonderingWhy]

I haven't felt quite like this before? I feel VERY dizzy, like I am about to pass out?:spin::faint:

Do you think it is a coincidence or has to do with my anxiety somehow? (I am not breathing real fast)

 

[ptsdkate]

It's almost certainly anxiety. That's exactly how I feel when getting the details out. It's soooooooo hard. You're doing great. Keep going when you're ready. Hang in there - you can do this! :hug::hug:

 

[Blutarg]

I think it's definitely anxiety. I feel like that too when I have to to 'this thing'. You are okay. It will pass. You're not going to die.

I'll echo ptsdkate: You can do this! With hugs too! :hug::hug::hug:

 

[WonderingWhy]

Kate & Blutarg,
THANK YOU! :hug: Your words help.

Busy :cry: No words!

 

[KAT]

Hug, hug, hug. Peace

 

[Blutarg]

Thinking of you :hug:

 

[Abrasky]

I think you are brave wonderingwhy. I wouldn't call those events you wrote little. They are sexual abuse and ALL sexual abuse shames victims and leaves huge emotional pain, not just some. That is why sexual abuse is hideous and you have nothing to be ashamed about. I am sending lots of pride that I you will feel for yourself oneday for being so brave.:hug:

 

[WonderingWhy]

I'm breathing!!:praying: I have a plan!:thinking: I do realize this is for me, so I apologize to any members reading this. I am just going to try to get it out hether it is in any semblence of order or even comprehendible I can't promise!:help: I am determined to do this, especially after that great analogy of releasing an infection!!!!:thumbsup: I loved that.
Deep slow breaths! Feeling :spin::vomit:already.:(

My 1st encounter was not really what I would call "sexual assault" more like minor harassment. This was actually while at basic training and because I thought I handled it so well, I think I felt a false sense of control/powr.:confused:

One of my male duhhhh! drill Sgts came up to me while I was alone in the barracks hall shining the floor. Boy who knew that a buffer could feel like a bucking bronco when you were just trying to slide it across the floor!:lmao:
Well he came up and kind of massaged my shoulders and said something to the effect of, well suggesting there was something else I could do in his office that would make life easier.:p Well I quickly said that I knew something I could inform the CO that could make his life more difficult!!!!:applause: Boy he backed off quick. I can't say that my life became any easier after that!:mad::eek: but no more "offers" As a matter of fact he asked me every day if I wanted to leave(quit/give up) he had the papers all ready just sitting on his desk.:rolleyes: I felt so strong!!!! I felt in control totally! Next stop was my "Technical Training" There it was heaven. I truly met the ONLY true love of my life! He was my 1st!:rolleyes::oops: No I didn't just say that!:lmao:

Well next was my 1st duty station. It was stateside. My guy was also stateside but not nearby!:cry: I did make one trip there before something happened, which made me feel as though I betrayed him. We spoke but it wasn't the same, at least for me. When he was about to come visit me, I just couldn't deal with what I was feeling and I broke up and told him not to come!!!!:scream::cry::furious: I didn't know how to deal with it.

To this day, we are still friends and he was married once but only briefly and she used him. (That's another whole story) To this day he is single and never had a child.:goingtocry: Unfortunately we have never been located near each other. He has since completed service and retired. He is now working as a civilian employee at his last base. Still far from me.:(

 

[Blutarg]

See, now that wasn't so bad. You did it and you are fine ;)
I think you are quite a strong person from what you are saying in all that you have written so far.

What happened at your 1st duty station? He meant a lot to you didn't he? Still does? :hug:

 

[WonderingWhy]

Blutarg,

Thanks for the encouragement.:hug:
Yes, he does. I know I must have said zillions of "what ifs":banghead: I have had so many oppurtunities to have "another chance" but even now, I am just not any good to anyone until I can get "my life" back.

I am sure after all of these years, if & when I get it together, he will have "Just gotten married":( I just know that is what will happen.:cry:

OK, I am feeling REALLY DIZZY, but I am going to try.:praying: I am sitting down.:)

The 1st thing I want to include is not about a physical trauma, but it is really silly, but it still bothers me so here goes.
It was my 1st week at my new duty station, the guy across the hall knocked on my door and asked if he could borrow $20, just until pay day. That was only like 2 or 3 days away so being new, I figured I would be nice and I loaned him $20. The NEXT DAY, I noticed as I glanced in his room that his side was bare. That ***** he got discharged the very next day after he "borrowed" that money from me!!!! That really bothered me. Not even so much the money, it was that his entire plan from the start was to con me out of it. If he had even saidhe was leaving and really needed it. I am certain I would have "given" it to him.(Even if that was a lie!)

I know I am stalling!:rolleyes::goingtocry: That was honestly though very hurtful to me.

Ok, here we go, another knock on my door. I opened it and this large muscled guy was standing there, standing or more leaning on my door. I just looked at him waiting for him to say what he needed.:whistle: I guess when I didn't really say anything, he said he just thought he'd come by to say Hi and see how I set up my room. :thinking: Well now big mistake, I invited him in. He pulled the door closed, I was not planning on doing that, so I walked towards the door and was going to open it. He was still at the door. When I approached it he grabbed me and pulled me close and was attempting to kiss me. Yuck!!!!:vomit: I didn't even know him!!! I had a boyfriend. I remember sayin something about that and him just saying something about him not being here. Well oher than a wet face and huge fear, as I never realized how strong someone could be!!!:eek: I was quite frightened and for some odd reason once he stopped he seemed angry at me!:thinking: So another mistake I was actually kind of apologetic to him!!!!! What the *** was I thinking??? Of course that is looking back at it.

I was very shaken and it kind of brought me back to thoughts of the incident at basc training. That gave me a bit of more courage as I felt I handled that really well. I sat there:thinking: and tried to size up the situation and what if anything I should do. Hmmmmm??

Once I felt a bit more ahold of myself I went and knocked on the "Floor Sgt's" door to report the incident. I felt that was the reasonable thing to do. After all I felt quite lucky nothing really happened, and I knew I was lucky because he was VERY strong.

Well my shock when I left there feeling :oops: embarassed. It was come to find out, ALL MY FAULT!!!
Here is the rationale:
I smile when people walk by.
I respond "Hello" when someone says "Hello" to me EVEN if I don't know them.:eek:
I opened my door!!!!!
I let him in!!!

:thinking: Boy, I guess I was sooo stupid.:oops: Obviously that went no where!!!!!!:banghead:

Next Event (again minor) I had still not been there but a week or so. I was sitting in the "Day Room" It was in the middle of 4 seperate buildings that were the actual building we lived in.(Barracks).

There was only myself and the "CQ" that is the person "on duty" outside of regular working hours who just answers the phone and makes sure all is ok. (Charge of Quarters).

Well this clearly VERY drunk guy walks in. he sits next to me and I move, he sits by me again, I move, he then grabs my arm VERY hard, I can't even understand what he's saying except that I was new and pretty that was about it. I pull away from him and quickly walk to my room. (No car at that time so not a lot to do) As I get to my room and walk in the door I am shaking and feel relief as I am closing my door. It was just about t close and it comes back at me quickly opening up!:scream: It's this awful drunk guy. Well before he could shut it I was backing Waaaaay up, thankfully the CQ must of seen that he followed me. He catches the door from shutting and asks if I wanted him in my room or if he was bothering me. :whistle: I think you can guess my answer!!!!!

Well even though nothing really has happened I am starting to sway a bit in my confidence of just how much control I do have???

 

[WonderingWhy]

Here goes, I was in my room, in my bed. It was a duty day, but I was off for a reward. I am a very light sleeper and I heard my door open. Startled, but assuming it was my roommate come to get something I was not really concerned.

At some point I look up, and I see our supply Sgt with his jacket & belt off he had his pants & boots on. Now I am both startled and confused. I still wasn't scared as from when I first met him he was very nice, and in addition I knew he was married, his wife was also active duty here, and very pretty. Maybe sounds dumb, but I was not afraid, yet.

I asked what he was doing and he said inventory and apologized, saying he didn't know I was there. (Whether this started off as a fact or not I have no idea)

I can not go into details but this did not end well. I was confused, scared, and felt so dirty, I could smell him all over me. My bed smelled like him. My horror when I realized it was him who I would need to go to to get sheets that didn't smell!!!!! I went and scrubbed myself as hard as I could to get "him" off of me.

I felt especially after the 1st 2 incidents I certainly must have done something to cause this. I did remember having a very nice friendly conversation with him when I first inprocessed to the unit. I also realized as he pointed out on his "visit" he's married and I could get charged with adultery if they did not believe me. There was no way I could chance it. I di not tell. This same basic thing happened 2 more times. Each of those two times I resisted but after the 1st time of giving it everything and failing, I did not fight it that much. However in my ow way of "fighting back" I just laid there with no mistake of not participating. I felt so cheap and dirty. I also felt so guilty when seeing his wife. I so many times wanted to tell her. I just couldn't do it for 2 reasons, the 1st she would be so hurt. The 2nd for fear of myself being faced with possible adultery charges.