Sexual Assault My Secret Story

[Blutarg]

Well, there you go, you are getting it out!

What I see here is not so much you not having control, as other people taking advantage of you. Damn people! How rude of them.

I think your Floor sergeant was very mean! :devil: So much for standing up for you or any kind of protection. Hmph! :stomp:

I have found myself in similar predicaments so I can relate to what you are saying. It's nothing deliberate - it just happens that way. And then you don't know how to get out of the situation?

I think you have done well WonderingWhy. Relax now and take a break ( and get your breath back ).;) :hug:

 

[WonderingWhy]

Thank You Blutarg,
I just wrote a whole bunch more and my computer froze up and I lost it!!!!!:stomp::stomp::stomp::scream::scream::scream::scream:

 

[WonderingWhy]

OK here I go AGAIN!!!!! :mad:

The next is still not that bad, but made life very uncomfortable.
For whatever reason our company had to switch barracks. We were all upset, as the ones we were in were newer and each room had it's own bathroom. The room was built for two, but the bathroom was inside the individual room.. It also had a shower/tub combination.

The older one they moved us into was a long 3 floor building and each hall had 2 bathrooms. I was on the 3rd floor with my roommate. We were the only females, so on the 3rd floor the guys had 1 not 2 bathrooms like the 1st & 2nd floors.

It I guess made them mad and they found a way to make having the "girls" have a bathroom more interesting for them.
Unlike the males we could not walk to the shower wrapped in a towel! I won't even go there. We did try it ONCE!!!!

Once in the shower we would have our clothes/towel taken to the hallway outside of the bathroom at whatever distance from the door that they chose. They would also pull the curtain and reach in the shower. We complained to the CO but that really only made it worse. He had the 1st Sgt "talk to them" He told them during a morning formation that it had "come to his attention" that they were making it uncomfortable for the TWO ladies to use their latrine" Then he smirked and most of the guys started loudly laughing and making comments about how "uncomfortable" it was for all of the guys on that floor to share 1 latrine when we had the same size latrine for just 2.

We knew right then, that not only was it not going to stop, but it would probably get worse. There was obviously no point in complaining any further. It did get real bad for a bit, but then I guess they got tired of staying up late or getting up early to catch us when we went to take our showers. I won't even get into the minor harassment if you just went in to "use the bathroom". It was all just a big joke. I think they felt entitled to make our lives miserable since it was "our fault" that they had only one bathroom.

 

[WonderingWhy]

I am still dizzy, but I haven't passed out yet! So the next is the major incident and I want to get this one started. There are several parts to this and it will be hard.:goingtocry::help:

This is still at the same duty station. It was a pretty dull time for me, as it was summer and quite hot outside. Normally I would be at the beach or pool. Unfortunately I had broken my leg/foot and had a cast on it.:( So I was spending a lot of time in my boring room.

I had actually just walked back from the bathroom(peacefully I might add!) I noticed the end room just two down from my room the door was open. I could see the Sgt there and we exchanged hellos. I was really bored and I didn't really know him, but I knew his name and I also knew he had a "fiance". I was pondering that fact and kind of hushed any thoughts of not walking over as he called me in. I could even see his "fiancees" picture on his dresser. he was sitting on the foot of his bed which faced the door. He patted the bed and said to have a seat. I declined but I did come in. I did not feel comfortable sitting on the bed. It just felt wrong. I looked around and there really wasn't any other place to stand. He teased me a bit about not sitting and then I guess it felt like a bit of a way to protect me (I know that sounds silly) But I walked over to the picture and told hiim that she was pretty. I asked when they were getting married and some other questions. He then said to sit down again and mentioned my cast & broken leg and he said he would even move. he stood up and I felt silly and in my head I was quickly thinking kind of trying to determine if the fear I was sensing was silly just because of what someone else did. I thought well, his door is open, he's being nice, he didn't grab me, he's got a girlfriend, I do have a cast on my leg.
Well I sat down. Just about the same time one of the guys in the room between mine and this Sgts came up the hall. I really didn't ever speak to him. He was always very quiet. He worked odd hours also. he worked in the dining hall. Well anyways he called him in and he looked a bit surprised that I was there it seemed. He mumbled hi or such but that was about it. When he came into the room the Sgt closed the door. Then I won't get into much detail but he began to assault me and I was fighting hard, I was absolutely NOT going to let this happen to me again. I was doing pretty good at pulling my arms away. Then I tried telling him really serious and LOUD to stop. He covered my mouth with his hand and although he was strong I thought I was going to get away. He then pushed real hard ontop of me with his whole body and he only had one of my arms so I was hitting him and pinching him the best I could. I then tried to get the other guy who looked like he was slowly moving to the door with his head down to help. Then when the Sgt saw it looked like he was about to leave, he told him to come get my hands.

I thought at first he would just leave. I wasn't that lucky. I know it sounds weird especially since he helped him, at that moment I actually felt sorry for him. The look on his face I could tell he really didn't want to, but for what ever reason did not refuse.

The one thing I truly regret is that I still keep thinking if I had hit him with my cast leg, it might have stopped it. At the time (I used to be flexible) I was afraid if I managed to hit him in the head with the cast, I might really hurt/kill him.

Once he was done again he kind of forced him to "change places" with him.
Once they were done they got up and I just walked back to my room and curled up on my bed for a long time. Eventually, I don't know how long it was I went and took a shower.

 

[WonderingWhy]

I wanted to add that after this incident. Maybe a two or three weeks, NOT right after. I did pretty good just trying to forget about it. The only bad part was seeing the guy who's room it was. He would give me this look that gave me chills. He would always say something to which I had to give a reply. I dreaded seeing him. The other guy was no problem. when I saw him it was usually in the dining hall and he always avoided eye contact and never approached me. He never apologized, but I don't know how I possibly could, but I had always felt sorry for him. He should have left and he didn't, he stayed & helped. I know he didn't feel it was right or really want to do it. I still don't know why I felt sorry for him. He had a choice, I DID NOT!

I got off track there. A few weeks after I started having real bad stomach problems. I could barely eat, and when I did:vomit:. Gross I know. This got so bad they sent me to sick call. It continued until I was admitted to the base hospital for tests. It was weird and at the time I thought it was really strange. Once I was admitted it was like a magic wand. My stomach was completely fine. I told them so, but they still decided to keep me for some tests.

The really strange thing was the day I was dischrged. The Dr asked me if I had someplace comfortable away from the barracks I could go if he gave me some time off. I told him that I still felt fine and didn't need any time off. He insisted and again asked where I could go. I told him that I guess I'd go home. He put me on 2 WEEKS conv. leave!:thinking::D I was confused but happy.

Years after I left the military I was surprised to read in my record the discharge note clearly said that they felt it was related to some "Unknown Psychological Stressors" I found it odd that not once had anyone mentioned that theory to me, nor even ask me if anything could be bothering me? I guess maybe they really didn't care or maybe thought it might be better NOT to ask?:confused: I still find that odd and still don't know what to make of it.

I was very happy when I got orders to leave that base. I was headed over seas. It felt like I was escaping.

FYI just so I don't feel like I held back, there were 2 other incidents of very inappropriate physical aggessive attempted advances by 2 other individuals and each of those I remained clothed and unharmed.

 

[WonderingWhy]

I am at my over seas location. This I am not going to go into each vulgar utterances or inappropriate advances or touching. I will say that these sort of things were a regular occurance on the weekends and occaisionally during the work week.

I was new in the unit when our taining NCO called me into the empty orderly room to get my weight. When we walked in he grabbed me by my belt and pulled me right close up to him. I knew what he wanted and I guess at this point I decided to be the one that had control. We began what could only be described as a physical relationship. I had no feelings for him. I did oddly feel safe while he was there. Then he left back to the states. I have to say he did treat me kindly. I did havea feeling of safety fom other guys while we were together.

There are two significant incidents during this tour and a couple smaller. I will save those for my next post.

 

[Blutarg]

That is just truly terrible!!! You poor girl. :hug::hug::hug: I don't even know what to say right now. I just think there are some truly horrid, bombastic, cruel, controlling men out there - and the worst part is that they get away with it time and again!!

I think the one was calculating but the other was pulled into it and it was an opportunistic thing. I knew someone who was involved in a similar icident and the adrenaline in the moment makes it happen but, by nature, they wouldn't normally do that. But it is still no excuse in my book! I can't condone that behaviour.

What good would it have done at the time if you had have reported it? It doesn't seem as if they took to listening too well or taking anyone seriously. I think the girls were placed in a precarious position in the first place.

I think you have done extremely well getting this out. You can be proud of yourself and start feeling good about yourself. Now go easy with 'you'. I'm giving you a special :hug:.

 

[felix]

I'm so sorry all this happened. You are a brave lady and are doing fantastic getting this out Link Removed

 

[WonderingWhy]

Continuing on at my overseas duty. Once the "steady" guy left there :goingtocry: were three individual one time encounters that in no way "legally" that would be considered not consensual.:( In 2 of the 3 they were higher ranking then me and much larger and stronger. (FYI at this time I was 44kg & 152cm or 98lbs & 5'0"). In both cases their behavior was such that at least in my mind,I made a choice to be in control instead of possibly no choice so I willingly went along.:thinking: Now it seems rather stupid and doesn't really make sense.At the time it seemed to make perfect sense.:(

Now; choosing to do something, I in no way wanted to do or that my heart & soul felt was completely immoral, just so I could feel it was a "choice" and not forced? Now, that makes for a very poor decision.:banghead:

The 3rd one was a bit different. I had absolutely no interest again and followed the path almost as the 1st 2 I described. This would prove to be much more threatening than I would ever have thought.

At some point I began to sense a true kindness and gentleness in him. I was not feeling the "threat of no choice" I felt I could safely step away from the situation. Which I did.:hot: Great for the moment. This guy became what I can only call obsessed. He tried many times with cards, gifts, invitations etc. to win me over. I declined all. He eventually stopped, but then became very mean and hateful. I felt bad, but not threatened enough to make a choice to be with him. He no longer spoke unless it was to send out a hateful glare or remark.:(

Here comes the rest of that story. We were out in the field at a location away from our small base. During some moments of rest from training he calmly came up and asked if we could go off from the group and talk. I felt it might be a good idea. I did feel bad for what I guess he saw as that 1st day as "leading him on". Clearly not my intention, and though he was unaware, it had been his kindness and gentleness that enabled me to walk away. So I felt I could certainly speak with him and hopefully rid the air of deep hatred I had been feeling from him for quite a while now. I got up and walked into the woods a bit with him, when we were clearly far enough to have a "private" chat I stopped walking and said that I felt this was a good spot. He was quite persistent that he wanted to go futher. I then sensed danger, I was very afraid, he seemed so full of anger, yet was quiet. I stood my ground and refused to go further. I said firmly we can talk here or I am going back.

Now it was like an evil transformation. He grabbed my arm and began trying to pull me, he said that he had NOTHING to say to me. He informed me that he was going to kill me. For just a moment I thought of course he was just messing with me. Then I realized he seemed serious. He would not let go of my arm and was pulling me. He spoke again, only to tell me that there was a cliff and he was going to push me off of it and people would think it was an accident. Now I am panicking!:help::scream::scream::scream: I started screaming my head off and resisting his pulling the best I could. At this point luckily I only saw trees, I did not see a cliff. I figured IF he was indeed telling the truth I still had some time for someone to hear me and get to us.

Thankfully we did not get far enough and someone heard me yelling. The 1st guy I barely knew but he may not have known his intent, but it was obvious that I was being held and pulled against my will. He began pulling me and I felt like I was a rope in a tug of war.:(:(:eek: Then a 2nd guy arrived and he went to the other guy and got him away from my arm. I was then free and thanked the guys as I ran back the rest of my unit. I did here him laughing and joking saying he was just joking and trying to scare me. I will never know his true intentions. I don't know if there was in fact a cliff there. :eek: I sure was not going near those woods, much less looking fo or near a cliff.

I like to believe he was just trying to scare me The last creepy thing at this base was a MUCH higher ranking individual that worked in mortuary service. He was an E-8 in a command position. He was above my 1st Sgt. He would constantly proposition me. When I declined he would say , it would be great if I died because then he could do anything he wanted to me. :eek: That really creeped me out!

 

[Blutarg]

It seems as if you have known a few men who use their position of power as a weapon - that is such a devious place for a man to be - but there are many who do that. You were a very lucky person in that he didn't get further than he did and I am quite relieved for you. He seemed to be one nasty piece of work!

The last guy gave you reason to be creeped out because there are people who do weird things like that.

I hope you often think that you are NOT there anymore and that where you are now is safer.:cloud9:

 

[WonderingWhy]

I hope you often think that you are NOT there anymore and that where you are now is safer.:cloud9:

That is what I hope pray and working towards.:praying: Unfortunately right now it seems like all I feel is danger and fear.:goingtocry::help::banghead::trapped: I want to break free from that more than most anything!!!!!!!

 

[WonderingWhy]

Breathing!! Not as dizzy, but now my hands are shaking terribly???:confused::thinking: I wonder if it is a "sign" I should stop letting out all of these "secrets"?????:eek: I never had my hands shake like this before?:thinking:

Ok, continuing on overseas.:goingtocry: One day early in the morning not sure if holiday or weekend. Either way it was NOT a duty day. Here this barracks was only females. We were from several different units, but it was just one single small 1 floor building with 1 shared latrine.

I was in bed asleep when there was a knock on my door. I had a roommate but she was away a lot, so I was alone in the room. I was surprised that anyone would be at my door, but got up to answer it.

:eek::oops::scream::cry::vomit:I can't even begin to describe the shock, horror, fear, confusion and panicked terror when I saw standing at my DOOR, (not in the exchange or walking around but at my door??? How the H*LL :eek: The guy who at my 1st duty station had assaulted me with the other guy!!!!! I litterally said NOTHING, pushed passed him and hid in the corner of the large "group" shower. It was the furthest I could get away from the latrine door. I sat there not really thinking just kind of praying not for him to find me. Not sure how long I was there, maybe 30-45 minutes???? To my dismay another girl had come to take a shower!:(:scream: She wasn't anyone I knew very well, but she was a bit intimidating to me, but nice. She was very much larger than me and was kind of the don't ask don't tell crowd. I felt so desperate and it was a bit obvious that "something" was obviously going on? Duhhhh :insane:
Most people aren't curled up in the corner of the shower so early in the morning, or anytime really!!!

I was desperate so I confided in her that some guy (Not stationed even on our base) just showed up at my door and I don't like him and actually am scared of him. I don't know how much she may have or have not assumed or imagined. :angel: But at that moment in time I wasn't even thinking a bit about that!!!!!

She became an unexpected :angel:. She asked if my roommate was in the room asleep. I must have still looked pretty pitiful when I said in desperation NOOOOO!!!! SHE'S NOT EVEN HERE!!!!!!!!:cry: She looked at me and gave me such a pleasant comforting look and said something like "No problem I can handle this!" She walked out. I stayed in the shower still very apprehensive. It didn't take very long and she came back chuckling!!!!:lmao: I hardly saw anything about the situation that could be funny!:mad: Then she told me he was shocked when SHE walked in. That JERK she said was in my bed, under the covers NAKED!!!!!!!!!!!:vomit:I still saw no humor in it!:mad: I managed to thank her, and insisted she go one more time and make sure he was REALLY gone.

She came back, and to my shock and surprise grabbed me and proceeded to spin me around as she was telling me he was gone. At this point I was so emotionally drained I pushed her abruptly away as hard and fast as I could, feeling (although I am fairly certain it wasn't her intention) violated once again. I screamed at her "DON"T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN" :whistle: Not very nice considering how she did a favor for me which felt like it was life saving.

I never did figure out how #1 he knew which base I was at(I didn't even know wher I was going until I was in country):confused: Much less how he found what barracks, much less the room!!!!!!:thinking: The only bit of information I did get came from my :angel: who he told that he was on a different base in country and had come to our base via helicopter as part of the crew. He was only to be there for a few hours or so. Well that was the only time overseas I saw him.
It did help that I found out what base he was on and NEVER ventured there!