General My Son Brian

[Kathy]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts Pandora. We also light candles for our deceased family members, though not with angels in mind specifically, more as a vigil. However it is a pleasant thought.

 

[Kathy]

Once again with Evie's permission, I am quoting some words from her diary. Evie honestly deserves much credit for the amount of work she did in her diary surrounding Brian's death. She has done far more to help herself than Jim and I have even begun to do. The following quote was made to Evie by another member, after she had questioned Brian being dead and she being alive, and the unfairness of it all:

People are people, they show some things and then there are things that are there but never shown. I am sorry if this seems mean but Brian really was the only one who could have done anything for Brian in that. You have made a better choice and are able to live because of it. This is not something to be sorry you did, this is what you had to do to live.

I must say, I cried when I read this. It was the one time on the forum where I felt truly angry at the words of another, and had to restrain myself from lashing out. Whether there is truth in the statement or not, it was extremely difficult to read, especially given it was said barely 5 weeks after Brian's death. Totally inappropriate timing in my opinion. One issue which is very difficult to deal with in any death, are the insensitive though likely well-meaning comments made by others following a tragedy.

I am not certain what else to say regarding this, only that the whole family was devastated by the comment. Yes Brian made bad choices, however so did Evie, and Evie is still with us. Brian is not. There is no justice in that. Had Brian been spared, I like to believe he would have sought help eventually. It took Evie 5 years to seek help, perhaps it would take Brian as long or longer, however he would still be alive. The suggestion that Evie deserves to live more than Brian offends me so much that I shake with anger just thinking about it.

 

[becvan]

It was a shocking statement and I'm happy to see it being addressed. It took me over twenty years to actively seek help and I've been through many a moment where one wonders how I lived through it.

I am no more deserving of life or death than another. As is Evie, as was Brain. As is Matt, as is everyone on this forum. Sufferer or not.

The insensitive, well-meaning comments after a tragedy are why I never know what to say and try to keep it simple. It just causes those in pain more pain that is not needed.

Proud of you, Kathy, for starting to deal with this aspect.

*hugs*
bec

 

[Kathy]

I still do not have much to say in here; I seem to only have the ability to post in this thread every few days. It is still exceedingly painful for me. However I did want to thank you Bec for that confirmation. Yes it was a shocking statement, the whole family was quite stunned and hurt by it. It is comforting to know we are not the only ones who felt the statement was inappropriate. Sometimes in one's grief it is difficult to tell if one is overreacting or not.

You are absolutely correct Bec; no one deserves life more than another. Some of us are just more fortunate it seems, regardless of the choices we make. I suppose that is part of the mystery of life; there are no answers as to why you, Matt and Evie are alive, whereas Brian is dead. I truly wish there were answers, but not knowing the reasons for things is part of what I must accept.

It is peculiar how badly our society deals with death in general. Truly, all that is needed is to say, "sorry for your loss", or, "you have my sympathies". However people always want to fix things, or explain the death away, or place blame, and so on.

In any event, thank you for the support Bec, it is most appreciated.

 

[ryair]

Kathy,
In regards to the comment made to Evie,Tonka would often say this kind of thing. It hid the fact he was struggling to deal with the fact he was alive, and often wished it was him. He was almost jealous of the fact the deceased person now had peace, when he did not. He talked himself up to be so much stronger, to hide the fact he felt so much weaker.
Just a different slant on why he/she may have said this.....
Ryair xxxxxxxx
P.S You guys are doing great!!! As a family you are TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

 

[Kathy]

That is indeed interesting and excellent point Ryair, thank you for sharing it. You are more than likely correct, and as a professional I should have the skill to think rationally regarding the statement. However, it being my own child, clouds the situation for me somewhat. In an event, I do thank you for a valid point made.

 

[ryair]

Kathy,
I just figured that by seeing it a different way, it takes the sting out of the comment:wink:. And I admit to posting it for your benefit and peace of mind, not for the person who posted the comment.
Ryair xxxxx

 

[Marlene]

Kathy,

I have to admit that I've had a bit of a rough time with this particular thread. Dealing with the deaths of family members remains a tender spot for me. I'm sure it will always be that way to some degree.

I remember someone posting about talking openly about death and the person who died. I thought it was here...but I didn't see it. My sister was diagnosed with her terminal illness 12 years before she died. She was the one who changed my family and how they deal with death. She would speak openly and frankly about it instead of in quiet whispers or not at all like we always did before.

As difficult as it was to deal with my father unexpected death and then my sister's death a year later, I know that it would have been much harder if we all hadn't learned to speak openly and honestly about what was going on or what had happened.

I don't know if this will help you at all, but I just wanted to mention it in the hopes that maybe it could help you and yours.

Lisa

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Lisa, much appreciated for your thoughts, especially as this is a difficult subject for you. I will perhaps comment more when I am a little less busy. Things are rather out of control at home right now! ;) Do take care of yourself.

 

[Tammy]

Dear Kathy,
Regarding your post about what you called the insensitive comment posted here (one thing first, I do believe that if that is how you view t you are entitled to that POV) however I may be able to defend that comment to some degree. I am not saying that you shouldn't be upset by it, or the rest of your family for some matter, but perhaps the person who posted that comment meant it only to make Evie feel better. In Evie's post you mentioned earlier on, she does seem to feel really guilty about it 'not being her'. Perhaps the person who posted it was just trying to make her feel a little about better about herself and trying to decrease the amount of guilt she apeared to be feeling at the time. I am not saying it was the right thing to say but maybe that persn had good intentions at the time... Again I am not saying that you shouldn't feel incensed at the statement as I probably would be as well. I am sorry for your entire fmily at the loss of Brian. and I will post a poem shortly that may help you to grieve. I just hae to go and find it. It helped me a great deal when my grandmother passed away.

 

[Tammy]

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me by Sam Taylor

When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise to find eyes filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say,
I know how much you love me as much as I love you,
And everytime you think of me I know you'll miss me to,
But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready in heaven far above,
And I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly loved,
But as I turned to walk away a tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I'd always thought I didn't want to die,
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you,
I thought of all the yesterdays- the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had,
If I could relive yesterday I thought for just a while,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile,
But then I finally realised that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me,
And when I thought of wordly things that I'd miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow,
But when I walked through heaven's gate I felt so much at home,
When God looked down and smiled at me from upon his golden throne,
He said "this is eternity and all I've promised you,
Today your life on earth has passed but here it starts anew,
I promise no tomorrows on earth to anyone,
So many live each day so sure of seeing one more sun,
Yet each one knows that I will call and no one knows just when,
But they never stop and pray and ask forgiveness for their sin,
And many I have turned away so sad at heaven's gate,
For when I called they weren't prepared and it was much too late,
But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn't do,
But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free,
So won't you come and take my hand and share your life with me"...
So when tomorrow stars without me don't thnk we're far apart,
For everytime you think of me, I am right here in your heart.


I hope this helps to make you feel a little bit better, I know it helped me so I thought I would pass it on to you.

 

[Kathy]

The poem is lovely Tammy. I haven't much else to say now as I am having a rather difficult couple of days with regards to Brian, but I do sincerely thank you for your thoughts.