General My Son Is In Afghanistan - I Am Terrified

[Jim]

My heart is with you both!

First off thank you for thinking of us bec, much appreciated. Neglected to thank you before, wife did not thank you either. Believe we are not quite ourselves at the moment.

I believe Evie would certainly understand more easily than you both. Expected I would even say. It is like you trying to understand what Evie feels compared to me understanding it, as I have what she has, you don't.

Ah yes that is wise Anthony. Not certain why it didn't occur to me. Suppose I feel a constant need to be the strong one, and on top of things. However. Having PTSD, that is not something I relate to. Nor do I want to, obviously.

Silly, blaming Eric for Brian's death. However. It was after Eric's actions that the vast majority of suffering in our family has occurred. All sorts of after effects of that event. Very far-reaching. In-laws and former friends who avoid us. Children, ours and Dan's, all traumatized, none to the extent of PTSD, but traumatized nonetheless. One son avoided having children for a time, wondering if he could possibly pass on some defective gene. None want to speak of the incident much. Sick with worry about Evie until being reunited. So much pain, culminating with Brian's death. Hope this is the most we'll see for a time. Not sure we can take much more at present.

And yes. Too harsh with myself, that is certain. Funny, was only saying to Evie this morning, "You count too". Meaning, her feelings matter! Yet can't seem to say it to myself!

Jim.

Oh. And. Was not ready to visit Eric's grave. Certainly not. However. As Kathleen remarked, it was not something we thought of at the time. We were simply helping Evie, as we would help any of our children.

 

[Marlene]

Oh. And. Was not ready to visit Eric's grave. Certainly not.

Jim,

I know that my reasons for not visiting my father's grave are not near to what you and Kathy's reasons are. But I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling 'not ready' for a visit. The thought of going to the cemetary my father is buried in just about sends me over the edge. Actually the thought of going back to Denver to visit my mom and step-dad has the same affect (the last three visits were for my father dying, my father's funeral and then my sister's funeral 12 months later).

This has been a non-issue for me until recently. I never gave it much thought. Just pushed it away. Years of practice at that. Reading what Evie, you and Kathy have written has brought this to the surface for me. Which I'm going to say is good because it gives me a chance to deal with it.

Sending hugs north for everyone.

Lisa

 

[anthony]

I think you both have a great deal of self work to obviously do from what your explaining, and lets be honest, you can't blame yourselves for avoiding it all this time, cause hell... not many people generally suffer what you all have, nor would a person normally come to such issues within their lives. You both are extremely strong, wise and experienced in more ways that most of us here from the pain and suffering you have dealt with in your lives, military issues, etc... so I think your both doing a fabulous job quite honestly of working through these matters, and quite honestly, most people would just go on trying to ignore and avoid them, you are recognizing, accepting and dealing with self issues.

Hell... I say a huge well done to you both, and again, if people had your support in life like your children do, so many people would be a lot better off in life. Honestly, Jim and Kathy, your both extremely wonderful, caring and loving people to have around, and for that you should be proud of yourselves. Everyone has baggage, and I do mean everyone; some more than others. Acceptance is the key, because denial is avoidance. Your in the right place to now deal with your true feelings towards such a painful past, and you both did this, you both came to these conclusions yourself, and for that you should congratulate yourselves.

Don't be too hard on yourselves, just remember that please. Be honest internally, look inwards, and maybe even Evie will help you as time goes through her own explanations of feelings from PTSD... to maybe help you both understand your families past even clearer. Its not your fault, that is the biggest thing, and you both should never blame yourselves for the past, because you are not in control of others, you could not be, ever... but you do control yourselves. Well done on simply being such lovely people.... and I know I feel quite blessed simply knowing you all.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you for your kind words Lisa. I'm sure Jim appreciates them as much as I. It is strange isn't it, how often reading the experiences of others draws one back to one's own life and experiences? I believe we often forget how important we are to others in that regard, even over this medium of the internet!

Anthony, your post brought tears to both our eyes when we read it late yesterday evening. Really it has cheered us both tremendously. We printed it out and read it several times. We do try ever so hard and we are happy to know that it's appreciated and noticed. Occasionally we feel like giving up, and then something like this is said to us and makes it all worthwhile, gives us fresh energy to continue. Thank you, you are quite a special person yourself in our eyes.

Regarding the children, they have also surprised us again and cheered us, at least 2 of the younger ones, being Evie and Jacob. They had a big surprise for us today when we returned home. We were exhausted from shopping in the city for several hours, and I was not looking forward to cooking or doing much of anything. However, we arrived home to find the hole in the fence mended, the stables cleaned out, the house spotless, and dinner waiting for us, a very delicious dinner too which Evie prepared. They also wrote a list for us, 101 reasons why they appreciate us! I can't imagine how they came up with so many items for the list, it was extremely well thought out. So we were crying all over again.

Not certain what Jim and I plan on having happen from here on out, but we are considering therapy for ourselves. We have therapy together with Evie at the moment, but perhaps therapy for the two of us alone might be appropriate, at least occasionally. We certainly have a great deal of respect for our current therapist, he sees the family together and Evie privately, and I do hope he may be able to see us privately as well. It is something we are considering in any event.

 

[Kathy]

I know of the stresses of it running in the family as my son's PTSD is a constant worry. Bravo on beginning on this fear Kathy! My best wishes to working through the grief and anger over Eric and your fears for Travis. My heart is with you both!

Oh yes and thank you for the good wishes Bec, I had forgotten to comment as Jim pointed out. I must say, I do understand your concerns for your son. It is very hard to think of how a child with this condition, regardless of age, will do in future, without you around to watch over them. It's a very helpless feeling. We are feeling that about Evie now, and worrying for Travis as well.

 

[anthony]

We were exhausted from shopping in the city for several hours, and I was not looking forward to cooking or doing much of anything. However, we arrived home to find the hole in the fence mended, the stables cleaned out, the house spotless, and dinner waiting for us, a very delicious dinner too which Evie prepared. They also wrote a list for us, 101 reasons why they appreciate us!

IMO, thats merely called showing actions that go with the words. Its easy to say I love you, but sometimes action speaks louder than words, and this is an example of that action IMHO Kathy. Your kids love you, everyone surrounding you loves you both.... you really do have a lot to both be very proud off yourselves, and accept it, truly accept that your absolutely lovely people. Its just the truth, nothing more, nothing less. :clap:

 

[Jim]

This has been a non-issue for me until recently. I never gave it much thought. Just pushed it away. Years of practice at that.

Ah yes Lisa. Yours truly is guilty of the same. Well understand that one. Delighted though to have helped you to ponder it in some small way.

Anthony, don't have much to add to what the wife has said. Agree with it all. You have cheered us. Much thanks, appreciated.

Jim.

 

[hodge]

Kathy and Jim,

I have to echo what Anthony has said. It is so very obvious that you two are such very thoughtful, loving, and caring people. I pray that you eventually find resolution vis-a-vis your feelings toward Eric, that you find the support to work through your grief productively and healthfully, and continue on with your lives. I know how much Evie appreciates you both so much. And so do I, for that matter - I feel so grateful for your support toward me!

 

[Claire]

Me too! You and Jim are often the voices of reason. Take time to look after yourselves.

 

[Kathy]

Thank you for your kind words Hodge and Claire. Jim and I do so appreciate all the support and encouragement we receive here, and are delighted to learn we are helping others in some small way.

 

[Jim]

Yes thank you all once more. Between all the well wishes here and recent actions of the kids we are feeling much more ourselves again.

Jim.

 

[jods]

Hi Jim & Kathy

Glad you enjoyed the surprise. Any turkey leftover, I would love a sandwich.:wink: