My Soul Is In Such Pain

[littlelostchild]

I really don't know what to do. I saw my psychiatrist this week - after a 3 week break due to scheduling. It has been a tough time for me in between and it continues to hurt so much. Every time I turn around I can't seem to escape my childhood issues. In some way or other they slam me in the face. Watching a recent TV show, a plot twist had a boy murder his father to protect his brother from the sexual abuse that he was experiencing, reading the latest Stephen King novel this week, there are 2 references to child sexual abuse in the early parts of the book. I can't even get away from the topic in my preferred 'away' activities.

I know that I need to actually deal with the rape, sodomy, use in pornographic photos, performance of oral sex on adult men. That the perpetrators were my father, grandfather, uncle and other men. (The fact that I can put this out here is a huge improvement over even 6 months ago) I just find it so damn hard to trust, let the wall really come down and tell my P and my H that if there was a pill that would cause my death at some time in the next month or so, I would willingly take it. That if I don't feel better soon, the fact that I would cause emotional pain to my loved ones will no longer be enough to keep me planted on this earth. To tell them how revolted I feel about being sexually aroused when I read the part about the girl who was sexually abused by her father. That is so sick! I am such a mess.

 

[LizardViolet]

I am sorry that triggers are so pervasive, even in the media that you use to escape and self-soothe.

I'm glad you've seen improvement in the past six months. You're making big progress. Hold onto that. You're walking through the dangerous swamp, and you've chosen to do that walk, because "better" is on the other side, but it's very hard to get through it. Yes, there are monsters. I'm glad you've made that choice, though, and I bet your husband is glad too (I presume that's who H is), because if you weren't walking that way, the monsters might come out of the swamp and overwhelm you anyway.

When I'm having an especially hard time, my therapist and I focus on strength-building stuff rather than processing.

I hope you can find some relief. Hang in there.

 

[EverOnly358]

@littlelostchild,

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time, I really am. I love books, movies and TV, they're my go to comfort things, but I've had to eliminate any media that might potentially be upsetting, because I just can't handle it. I'm 40 and I watch a lot of Disney movies (pathetic... but really, all I can handle sometimes). I learned this the hard way... so I guess I'm just saying, that I can relate.

It's really good that you can share what you're feeling and what you went through, really good. I just wanted you to know that you're not sick... you've just been through something really horrible. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You're brave to share, to let the bad things out so that they might some day stop haunting you. Part of getting better, I think, is having to deal with all sorts of horrible emotions and memories related to what happened to you. It's bad, but it is a step towards getting healthier one day, too. Really though, I'm not trying to downplay the bad, it's really hard to sit with these thoughts, I know.

I'm not sure if this helps at all, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Hang in there,
D123

 

[zaniara]

You are not alone. I recognize and relate so much. I don't have so many words right now. I'm in a too bad place my self. But you're NOT disgusting or at fault- they are. And your body reacts because they did that, not because you want it too. It's normal to react like that physically during and after abuse. Don't give up. Hold on.

 

[Britt.f7]

You ever notice that when you focus on things, suddenly they seem to pop up everywhere? I mean, when I was pregnant, all of a sudden(it seemed) pregnant people were popping up everywhere. I think when we are more in tuned to something, that happens. We notice more.

As far as your body responding, you can't help that. Mine has done that too to things I'm repulsed by. I finally, with help, realized that I can not help it and I am not responsible for it's actions. It is beyond unfortunate.

I'm sorry for all that you are dealing with right now.

 

[littlelostchild]

Thank you for your kindness. I am having a rough time and need to go, but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your comments and thoughts.

 

[Britt.f7]

Lost child, I am hoping you are not talking about suicide. Please know there are other solutions out there even when things seem bleak. Here is a website I found helpful when I was thinking of suicide: http://www.hopeline.com/.