My Spouse's Suicide - New To The World Of Ptsd.

[Tinyflame]

And I would say keep an eye-out for what she's posting on FB or writing & such, but don't panic. And let her know she is not to blame. Keep as much a routine as you had before but also be flexible. Take care of yourself.

 

[rightkindofme]

Therapy is really the best option. That might include a peer support group, which is a different kind of therapy than traditional one on one talk therapy.

The process she is going through is hard and complicated, but it is understood by a lot of professionals. They can do a lot to help.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am unable to imagine the anguish you both are in. I hope you both find support for you to be able to get through this impossible situation. I am so sad for your loss.

It is not your fault at in any way. He made a choice and had free will to choose this.

Please keep us posted on you both are doing during these difficult days. Hugs.

 

[shell]

I am very sorry for your loss, you are never responsible for his actions, someone who decides to act that way is in a great deal of pain, and has been suffering for some time. Take care and I hope you find the support you need for yourself and your daughter.

 

[Kooksmom]

Thanks so much for the advice. I found a good therapist (fingers crossed) for my daughter, and she begins on Friday. She is very reluctant about going, she is a type A personality who keeps everything inside and likes to solve all of her own issues. I think she sees therapy as a sign of weakness. But she will get over that if they are a good fit.

I on the other hand need more advice. Just when I have a day where it seems like I can handle things. 10 major things go wrong. I am stressed out to the point of being physically ill. I have been dealing with lawyers, accountants, brokerage firms, any relative who ever wanted anything from my husband, including paintings,art, and antique jewelry. Not to mention the fact that I had to go out of town for a 4 day conference for work, and right we got settled into the hotel my daughter had a breakdown. She missed her after and demanded to pack up and fly back home that night. I was stuck. I had paid for the air , hotel, and conference. There was no way I could leave. Then when we finally got home to our airport. My car was dead! I had to have my son come jump us, and on the way home he told us that our heating and air unit had gone completely out!! This is all so much stress on top of what we are trying to deal with!! Sometimes I think I might crack!!

So this week we have had temps over 100 with no ac. Plus when I get really hot I have a full blown hot flash! Sleep is impossible, so at night we have been staying at my older daughters apartment. But she is a messy person and it triggers my childhood, I have to take Ativan to come over here to rest.

Nights have sucked since he died, as soon as I get comfortable, I flash back to him in the tub. It starts with me seeing the gun in his hands in his lap. (Please stop reading here if graphic content bothers you). Then I look up at his face which didn't look like him much anymore. His eyes were closed tight but what gets to me every night and day is the way his mouth was. It was open in an oval with thick coagulated blood in a long drip hanging from his bottom lip but not quite meeting his shirt. Just suspended there. I could not see his teeth.

This memory plagues me every morning and night. In the morning when I am trying to brush my teeth, I see it in a flash, and I throw up-every morning. At night, I clench my teeth so tightly that I had to get an Invisalign plate made, but sticking it in my mouth makes me flash to that picture and I throw up and never get it in my mouth. I need help. Has anyone gone through something like this? Thanks. Sonya

 

[RussH]

kooksmon: I have not seen a loved on like that, or in such a pesonal tragic situation, but I have seen some really bad trauma as a paramedic. My personal experience is those images will fade, or will come to you less frequently as you build new life memories.
The mind does a pretty good job of being a news network. It will spend days, sometimes weeks on the say story, then will move onto the next story, whether it is a good story, or not so good.

 

[rightkindofme]

My dad walked in and found my step mom. She overdosed, so it was less messy. He says time helps and not much else.

I'm sorry things are so hard. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When it rains it pours and you are so way overloaded right now and I am so sorry everything is hitting you all at once.

So sorry also for greedy relatives to deal with on top of all that you are going through.

I wish I had a magic wand to make things easier for you right now, but I do not. But you have my support and prayers if that is ok.

I hope you can manage to take a nap here and there. Do you have small fans for the hear? I am so sad you have to deal with the heat.

You are a very strong person and although you feel you may crack, I hope you do not.

Tell the greedy relatives all to leave you alone right now and you will deal with them later on.

The possesions of your husband are legally yours and you should not have to give anything away.

My husband died of severe dementia a year ago and I feel for you with all of the business aspects you have to deal with.

Put them all on your timetable if you can, and really take good care of yourself and your daughter.

I wish you had more support right now. What you are dealing with is an impossible situation and my heart is with you both.

Keep on posting and I will be here as a support person for you. You are so normal for what you are going through such an abnormal situation.

As for the visions, I do not know how long you will have to deal with them. I hope for you so much support in your real life.

I do not know where you live, but can you afford to go on disability right now and take off time from work? Many hugs.

 

[mybutterfly]

Dear Kooksmom: Seven years ago I lost my 31 year old daughter to suicide so I understand much of what you are going through and my prayers are with you. My daughter also shot herself in the head. As a suicide survivor there are a number of things you need to know.

1. Your husband's suicide was NOT your fault. No matter what may have happened between you and your husband, in the end he made his own decision. Suicide is NEVER a knee jerk reaction to anything, but is most often a decision made after YEARS of silent consideration.

2. Suicide grief is incredibly complicated. You will be hit with countless conflicting emotions all at the same time. This is normal. For example: When my daughter shot herself my son was madder than hell at her while at the same time he felt guilty that he wasn't able to save her. This is typical for most suicide survivors. You need to accept the fact that this is a normal reaction and know that although the road is long, things will eventually get better.

3. You need support from others who have experienced the same thing. Private counseling is a good thing, but if your area has a suicide survivors group that is where you will find your best support. Just the mention of the word suicide is enough to send most people running simply because they do not know what to say. You need to be able to talk about whatever is bothering you with others who can relate. There are some groups online that are helpful if you cannot find a local group. The online groups are also helpful at 3:00 AM when you can't sleep.

4. Everyone will have a grief experience that is unique, but there are some things that tend to be common among most suicide survivors. Most survivors say that the first 6-9 months they are in shock. This was my experience as well. I could go into Walmart with a list of 3 or 4 things that I needed, wind up wandering around the store for hours and going home with only 2 of the things on my list. I was in a daze, not knowing what I was doing. The grief tends to kick in with a vengeance after that first 6-9 months. Before that--while you're in a daze--you are just dealing with trauma. Your brain actually locks you down into this pattern because you can only deal with so much at one time. This is normal and is your brain's way of protecting you. Just accept it and know that it is normal and that things will get better.

5. Your daughter has a right to feel broken. Let her know that her feelings--whatever they are--are normal and expected. Feelings are not right or wrong--they just are. If you can find a good suicide survivors group your daughter may do very well in the group along side you. If you cannot find a local group you should seek out a good grief counselor for her. The most important thing is for her to be able to talk about what she is feeling with you and with others that she trusts. She needs to deal with the grief and trauma just like you do. NOT dealing with it is a recipe for PTSD. The reason I first became involved with this forum is because my son never dealt with his sister's suicide. He thought that because he was able to fly to WI and do what he needed to do in the immediate aftermath of her death that he could then just carry on as if nothing had ever happened. As a result, he crumbled with PTSD about 3 years later. Dealing with suicide grief is probably the most difficult work that anyone will ever have to do. It's painful and gut wrenching, but absolutely necessary.

6. The first time you go through a whole day without thinking about your husband you will probably feel guilty. Don't. You have suffered enough without torturing yourself. Life will eventually return to normal. It will be a "new normal" because nothing will ever be the same as it was before, but life can and will go on for those of us who survive. It has now been 7 years since my daughter took her life and my husband and I can laugh while remembering the good times without focusing on her death. I will miss her until the day I die, but I am no longer crippled by grief. Your day will come too.