I figured I would move this from PTSD Relationships...
So I have never done this before and I'm a little skeptical. I've always dealt with my own problems but this is beyond me. We have three kids and we need help, but I don't know how to get him to reach out. This is my story. I was a single mom of two girls when I moved to Tennessee for a soldier that I thought would be worth the long haul. This ‘man’ was manipulative and a con and within a few weeks of moving I found out that he was hooked on K-2, a ‘legal marijuana’ that fries your brain and makes you flat out evil. Jared saved us in more ways than one but our relationship has been pretty rocky. I want to save my marriage and find a way to get back to being us. Please help!
When we met I had more energy, it was before I had any major issues with what they think is fibromyalgia, and before the custody battle for his son. The girls were always taken care of, the house was always clean, and we were happy. I was dating a real psycho, but the girls and I were happy. When I realized what Tony was I started having sleeping problems. I would spend more time outside and let the girls play in the house so they wouldn’t know I was upset. That’s when I met Jared, who lived next door. We began talking and really hit it off. He helped me out a few times, let me use his washer, towed my car when it broke down, even though he and Tony hated one another he stuck it out. He was very open about his strong feelings for me, especially on the nights that we would sit outside for hours listening to music and talking. After about a month of fights with Tony, who only got worse, I broke things off. Jared was right there for all of it. My shoulder to cry on, keeping me strong, and helping me make sure that Tony and the threat that came with it was gone. In doing this my lease was terminated since I did not yet have a job, and had no way to pay rent, they would not let me stay. So Jared moved in. During the first month we were together things were amazing. He was honest, patient, playful, helped with anything we needed… And no matter what we needed he was there. Everything was about us making it together.
After about a month, Jared had his first flashback around us. That’s when I first noticed things changing. He started being more testy and withdrawn, stopped helping around the house until he felt bad when I was cleaning for most of the day (the apartment was a crappy little one bedroom with black mold so I had to bleach everything all the time). He told me he was more withdrawn because of the flashbacks, that he could feel them coming on and he didn’t want to be around us when it happened. I accepted that and he began spending more time in the bedroom playing Facebook apps or watching movies. We started fighting about how he would react to the girls when they misbehaved, or about me finding a job, which I had no motivation for since I would not be able to get daycare and he would be at home with the kids.
We were married in a little courtroom on 20 Dec 2011. We had been together for only four months, but there was no doubt at all that he was the person that I wanted for the rest of my life. We were planning on a wedding for the next year but I wanted him to know that I was his, and I wasn’t going anywhere. The fights were ongoing but I still held on that his flashbacks had not returned and soon he would relax back into person I fell in love with.
His second flashback was while we were in Missouri visiting my family for Christmas. We were staying at my grandma’s house and in the middle of the night he had gone downstairs to where my grandpa had his den and tried to get into the gun safe. The whole room looked like a tornado had gone through it and the window had been opened. He was thoroughly embarrassed as he didn’t remember doing it, although my grandparents were understanding and simply worried for him. After that our fights started getting worse. Especially one on New Years where he had drank a little too much. We had been married for about a week and a half. We never had that honeymoon period.
Our fights continued, and eventually I just shut down. I started spending hours playing video games or sleeping. Some days I couldn’t even manage to get out of bed. This spurred more fights as he was taking care of the house and the kids, which I understand now, but I was so depressed that I didn’t see how stressful it was for him at the time. I had gotten a job at a gas station and was starting to do a little better with my depression when we were faced with a new issue. Jealousy. He was upset that I had been spending so much time on the Xbox with another gamer who lived in Arizona. His name was Cameron and we talked the entire time we were playing. We talked about life, music, movies, his potential girlfriends, and married life. He even explicitly stated he could never date “a girl like me” because I had kids, and he could never “take care of someone else’s kids.” Jared would hear none of this and accused me of having an emotional affair. I, personally, have never gotten a long especially well with females and so most of my friends in life have been either male or tom-boys like me, so that has cut down on the number of people that I can talk to. This issue has come up multiple times, even when there is no perceptive threat. The 50+ year old loss prevention guy from work that Jared was uncomfortable with me texting, the soldier that came into the gas station just because I worked there- he asked me to lunch and I politely told him no, but Jared still got raging mad that someone asked me. So I stopped telling him about work since I am employed on post and 99% of our customer base is male soldiers. I’ve actually stopped going to him about anything since any time we have a conversation it turns into a huge fight and ends in him pointing out everything everyone else (especially me) is doing wrong.
So flashback number three of our almost 11 months together- luckily I was home from work. I guess it was the worst he’s had while we’ve been together. He put one hole in a wall, and another in a door, and it took all I could do to comfort him after he calmed down. I talked to my work the next day and they granted me a few weeks off to take care of everything going on at home, including the fact that I am five months pregnant and have had a rough pregnancy. Not even a week later we were in yet another fight where I felt he had been too hard on my daughter. We fight about his disciplinary beliefs constantly because I feel they should sometimes be allowed to be kids, while he has more of the military strictness. (He was in for 6 years, three tours and is now 100% DV) This fight was an eye opener that we need help. He had never before been violent towards me. This time he threw a laundry basket at me and put a hole in the wall just behind me. While he can just go calm down and move on, I can’t, and I’m more afraid than ever to tell him what is bothering me or talk about what we need to do. I don’t want to run. I don’t want to leave him. I’m looking for ideas on how to get him to open up and see his faults. I want him to see that unless he gets help then we aren’t going to be able to improve, but I don’t want any more rages. I’m not even sure if this is the forum I need to be in, but any ideas would be welcome as right now I’ve run out.
Thanks for reading.. I know it’s long and I tried to condense it as much as I could.
Staci
So I have never done this before and I'm a little skeptical. I've always dealt with my own problems but this is beyond me. We have three kids and we need help, but I don't know how to get him to reach out. This is my story. I was a single mom of two girls when I moved to Tennessee for a soldier that I thought would be worth the long haul. This ‘man’ was manipulative and a con and within a few weeks of moving I found out that he was hooked on K-2, a ‘legal marijuana’ that fries your brain and makes you flat out evil. Jared saved us in more ways than one but our relationship has been pretty rocky. I want to save my marriage and find a way to get back to being us. Please help!
When we met I had more energy, it was before I had any major issues with what they think is fibromyalgia, and before the custody battle for his son. The girls were always taken care of, the house was always clean, and we were happy. I was dating a real psycho, but the girls and I were happy. When I realized what Tony was I started having sleeping problems. I would spend more time outside and let the girls play in the house so they wouldn’t know I was upset. That’s when I met Jared, who lived next door. We began talking and really hit it off. He helped me out a few times, let me use his washer, towed my car when it broke down, even though he and Tony hated one another he stuck it out. He was very open about his strong feelings for me, especially on the nights that we would sit outside for hours listening to music and talking. After about a month of fights with Tony, who only got worse, I broke things off. Jared was right there for all of it. My shoulder to cry on, keeping me strong, and helping me make sure that Tony and the threat that came with it was gone. In doing this my lease was terminated since I did not yet have a job, and had no way to pay rent, they would not let me stay. So Jared moved in. During the first month we were together things were amazing. He was honest, patient, playful, helped with anything we needed… And no matter what we needed he was there. Everything was about us making it together.
After about a month, Jared had his first flashback around us. That’s when I first noticed things changing. He started being more testy and withdrawn, stopped helping around the house until he felt bad when I was cleaning for most of the day (the apartment was a crappy little one bedroom with black mold so I had to bleach everything all the time). He told me he was more withdrawn because of the flashbacks, that he could feel them coming on and he didn’t want to be around us when it happened. I accepted that and he began spending more time in the bedroom playing Facebook apps or watching movies. We started fighting about how he would react to the girls when they misbehaved, or about me finding a job, which I had no motivation for since I would not be able to get daycare and he would be at home with the kids.
We were married in a little courtroom on 20 Dec 2011. We had been together for only four months, but there was no doubt at all that he was the person that I wanted for the rest of my life. We were planning on a wedding for the next year but I wanted him to know that I was his, and I wasn’t going anywhere. The fights were ongoing but I still held on that his flashbacks had not returned and soon he would relax back into person I fell in love with.
His second flashback was while we were in Missouri visiting my family for Christmas. We were staying at my grandma’s house and in the middle of the night he had gone downstairs to where my grandpa had his den and tried to get into the gun safe. The whole room looked like a tornado had gone through it and the window had been opened. He was thoroughly embarrassed as he didn’t remember doing it, although my grandparents were understanding and simply worried for him. After that our fights started getting worse. Especially one on New Years where he had drank a little too much. We had been married for about a week and a half. We never had that honeymoon period.
Our fights continued, and eventually I just shut down. I started spending hours playing video games or sleeping. Some days I couldn’t even manage to get out of bed. This spurred more fights as he was taking care of the house and the kids, which I understand now, but I was so depressed that I didn’t see how stressful it was for him at the time. I had gotten a job at a gas station and was starting to do a little better with my depression when we were faced with a new issue. Jealousy. He was upset that I had been spending so much time on the Xbox with another gamer who lived in Arizona. His name was Cameron and we talked the entire time we were playing. We talked about life, music, movies, his potential girlfriends, and married life. He even explicitly stated he could never date “a girl like me” because I had kids, and he could never “take care of someone else’s kids.” Jared would hear none of this and accused me of having an emotional affair. I, personally, have never gotten a long especially well with females and so most of my friends in life have been either male or tom-boys like me, so that has cut down on the number of people that I can talk to. This issue has come up multiple times, even when there is no perceptive threat. The 50+ year old loss prevention guy from work that Jared was uncomfortable with me texting, the soldier that came into the gas station just because I worked there- he asked me to lunch and I politely told him no, but Jared still got raging mad that someone asked me. So I stopped telling him about work since I am employed on post and 99% of our customer base is male soldiers. I’ve actually stopped going to him about anything since any time we have a conversation it turns into a huge fight and ends in him pointing out everything everyone else (especially me) is doing wrong.
So flashback number three of our almost 11 months together- luckily I was home from work. I guess it was the worst he’s had while we’ve been together. He put one hole in a wall, and another in a door, and it took all I could do to comfort him after he calmed down. I talked to my work the next day and they granted me a few weeks off to take care of everything going on at home, including the fact that I am five months pregnant and have had a rough pregnancy. Not even a week later we were in yet another fight where I felt he had been too hard on my daughter. We fight about his disciplinary beliefs constantly because I feel they should sometimes be allowed to be kids, while he has more of the military strictness. (He was in for 6 years, three tours and is now 100% DV) This fight was an eye opener that we need help. He had never before been violent towards me. This time he threw a laundry basket at me and put a hole in the wall just behind me. While he can just go calm down and move on, I can’t, and I’m more afraid than ever to tell him what is bothering me or talk about what we need to do. I don’t want to run. I don’t want to leave him. I’m looking for ideas on how to get him to open up and see his faults. I want him to see that unless he gets help then we aren’t going to be able to improve, but I don’t want any more rages. I’m not even sure if this is the forum I need to be in, but any ideas would be welcome as right now I’ve run out.
Thanks for reading.. I know it’s long and I tried to condense it as much as I could.
Staci
