Hi,
I'm a 54-year-old single mother. I was sexually abused at the age of 5, and maybe earlier, by a parent. Since that time I've been raped, first as a teenager by my best friend's older brother, next by my first husband and father of my children, and finally date raped last year. I've survived two abusive marriages. The second one was so horrific that I can no longer trust anyone. He was diagnosed as a sociopath by the marriage counselor we saw together. I was physically assaulted, nearly choked to death, had my life threatened regularly, was cheated on, lied to about everything. It's a miracle I'm still standing, walking and breathing. I literally had to escape in one day. That was 5 years ago.
For the past 8 years, even during the marriage, I sought help and treatment. I've had trauma therapy, EMDR, bibliotherapy (trying to make sense of the senseless), was a runner, now a walker / hiker. I've done so many things to heal myself, yet my primary relationships seem to be a constant source of stress and panic. I'm a very strong person (inside) but feel like jello right now. I have a successful career, my own home, yet in my personal life everything is a mess.
I recently (last week) left a one-year relationship with a man I thought I loved. I was driving him crazy with my paranoia and stress levels. I realized that he was very subtly feeding into my fears on a regular basis. For example, he would flirt with women close to me (my sister, my stepmother, my friend) and others in front of me. I felt like a non-person, so demoralized. The relationship was causing me great harm, and he blamed me for being jealous and insecure. He had also been married twice. He was a serial cheater in his second marriage, and his wife passed away from cancer. I imagine, after 30 years of enduring his abuse, her body manifested her state of mind.
Anyway, I am now reeling from this break-up, wondering if it was me, my imagination, or him constantly triggering me. Unfortunately, I have almost no one to turn to for support as my daughter has been co-opted by my abusive mother, and my sisters have turned against me.
I know I have great difficulty trusting people. Sadly, I have been re-traumatized so much that I wonder if I'll ever recover. I did so much work prior to getting involved in this relationship, and now I'm in such a state of hypervigilance and panic that I can barely breathe. I've been walking and hiking a lot, which helps during that time, but after, I'm alone with my obsessive thoughts and can't seem to diffuse them.
This is the gist. Thank you in advance for reading this.
Warmly,
Jemma
I'm a 54-year-old single mother. I was sexually abused at the age of 5, and maybe earlier, by a parent. Since that time I've been raped, first as a teenager by my best friend's older brother, next by my first husband and father of my children, and finally date raped last year. I've survived two abusive marriages. The second one was so horrific that I can no longer trust anyone. He was diagnosed as a sociopath by the marriage counselor we saw together. I was physically assaulted, nearly choked to death, had my life threatened regularly, was cheated on, lied to about everything. It's a miracle I'm still standing, walking and breathing. I literally had to escape in one day. That was 5 years ago.
For the past 8 years, even during the marriage, I sought help and treatment. I've had trauma therapy, EMDR, bibliotherapy (trying to make sense of the senseless), was a runner, now a walker / hiker. I've done so many things to heal myself, yet my primary relationships seem to be a constant source of stress and panic. I'm a very strong person (inside) but feel like jello right now. I have a successful career, my own home, yet in my personal life everything is a mess.
I recently (last week) left a one-year relationship with a man I thought I loved. I was driving him crazy with my paranoia and stress levels. I realized that he was very subtly feeding into my fears on a regular basis. For example, he would flirt with women close to me (my sister, my stepmother, my friend) and others in front of me. I felt like a non-person, so demoralized. The relationship was causing me great harm, and he blamed me for being jealous and insecure. He had also been married twice. He was a serial cheater in his second marriage, and his wife passed away from cancer. I imagine, after 30 years of enduring his abuse, her body manifested her state of mind.
Anyway, I am now reeling from this break-up, wondering if it was me, my imagination, or him constantly triggering me. Unfortunately, I have almost no one to turn to for support as my daughter has been co-opted by my abusive mother, and my sisters have turned against me.
I know I have great difficulty trusting people. Sadly, I have been re-traumatized so much that I wonder if I'll ever recover. I did so much work prior to getting involved in this relationship, and now I'm in such a state of hypervigilance and panic that I can barely breathe. I've been walking and hiking a lot, which helps during that time, but after, I'm alone with my obsessive thoughts and can't seem to diffuse them.
This is the gist. Thank you in advance for reading this.
Warmly,
Jemma
