I am so glad I found this forum today. I'm not sure why I scoured the internet looking for something like this, but I did. Many were groups that were no longer active, bickered among each other as to how to "manage" the group, etc. And now I am here. I have to say, I feel a little bit of relief. I have been in several group therapies here locally and none of them have eased my stress. I am 26 years old (very old, it seems sometimes) and living in Virginia with my husband and our 1 year old daughter. This is where I feel my introduction falls into a sort of black hole.
I am both a sufferer and a carer. I suffer from symptoms of PTSD (nightmares, insomnia, severe depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, rage), and have seen a few counselors over the years. The causes of the PTSD are several, some acute and some chronic (I learned a few years ago that nightmares of a man assaulting me as a child were in fact my unresolved childhood memories of these incidents, witnessed both my mother and brother try to drink themselves to death as a teenageer, I have been divorced twice already, lost custody of my two older daughters, and a third daughter died at three months of unknown causes, been physically and verbally abused by my parents and several men I have been involved long-term with.) I was diagnosed with bi-polar II disorder and complex PTSD by a clinician last year after I tried on several occasions to physically hurt myself and one occasion tried to hang myself. I have taken prescribed medications, done a lot of self-help treatments/psycho-social work (workbooks, cognitive therapy, 28 week anger management group) and committed a lot of self-medicating abuses (including addictions to drugs, alcohol, and unhealthy sexual encounters)
I am also married to an Iraqi War vet who is facing similar, but far more pronounced, symptoms. I was excited to learn there is a related forum for him to access as well. Neither one of us is capable of being around people in a general setting without becoming hurtful, angry, and finally enraged. I want to help my husband so much. He's such a good man and a great father. But sometimes he's someone I don't recognize. In a world of darkness, depression, and anger, I have always found him and some relief. He, very literally, saved my life. Now, after his second tour has ended, and he has been back a year, we are starting to experience the life of a post-war PTSD sufferer. I see many of the things I struggle with, and so much more that I am inexpereinced about. I have learned through research and talking to other vets that I am never to pressure him to discuss any of his war activities/experience. But, how then, can I help him? How can I help someone when I may not be healthy myself?
I feel that by acknowledging my mental disorders I have allowed myself some healing. I recognize patterns of mania and depression in the bipolar disorder and have worked extremely hard to control my anger and rage issues from the PTSD. I have identified several triggers and now can avoid them. For the most part, with occasional setbacks, I feel healthy. But lately, I have been feeling guilty. Why am I allowed to get better, and feel better about myself and not my husband? What can I do to ease this burden on him? I know a lot of the things he faces, but some of the combat stresses scare me. Sometimes his loss of reality, when he is in a "white rage" can scare me. I don't want to be afraid of him. I want to help him. He is the man that made trusting people "okay" for me. He allowed me to be a real human being that is accepted, respected, and loved. It hurts so much when he doesn't see himself this way. I hope I can find a group here that can support us as we try to work through this.
I am both a sufferer and a carer. I suffer from symptoms of PTSD (nightmares, insomnia, severe depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, rage), and have seen a few counselors over the years. The causes of the PTSD are several, some acute and some chronic (I learned a few years ago that nightmares of a man assaulting me as a child were in fact my unresolved childhood memories of these incidents, witnessed both my mother and brother try to drink themselves to death as a teenageer, I have been divorced twice already, lost custody of my two older daughters, and a third daughter died at three months of unknown causes, been physically and verbally abused by my parents and several men I have been involved long-term with.) I was diagnosed with bi-polar II disorder and complex PTSD by a clinician last year after I tried on several occasions to physically hurt myself and one occasion tried to hang myself. I have taken prescribed medications, done a lot of self-help treatments/psycho-social work (workbooks, cognitive therapy, 28 week anger management group) and committed a lot of self-medicating abuses (including addictions to drugs, alcohol, and unhealthy sexual encounters)
I am also married to an Iraqi War vet who is facing similar, but far more pronounced, symptoms. I was excited to learn there is a related forum for him to access as well. Neither one of us is capable of being around people in a general setting without becoming hurtful, angry, and finally enraged. I want to help my husband so much. He's such a good man and a great father. But sometimes he's someone I don't recognize. In a world of darkness, depression, and anger, I have always found him and some relief. He, very literally, saved my life. Now, after his second tour has ended, and he has been back a year, we are starting to experience the life of a post-war PTSD sufferer. I see many of the things I struggle with, and so much more that I am inexpereinced about. I have learned through research and talking to other vets that I am never to pressure him to discuss any of his war activities/experience. But, how then, can I help him? How can I help someone when I may not be healthy myself?
I feel that by acknowledging my mental disorders I have allowed myself some healing. I recognize patterns of mania and depression in the bipolar disorder and have worked extremely hard to control my anger and rage issues from the PTSD. I have identified several triggers and now can avoid them. For the most part, with occasional setbacks, I feel healthy. But lately, I have been feeling guilty. Why am I allowed to get better, and feel better about myself and not my husband? What can I do to ease this burden on him? I know a lot of the things he faces, but some of the combat stresses scare me. Sometimes his loss of reality, when he is in a "white rage" can scare me. I don't want to be afraid of him. I want to help him. He is the man that made trusting people "okay" for me. He allowed me to be a real human being that is accepted, respected, and loved. It hurts so much when he doesn't see himself this way. I hope I can find a group here that can support us as we try to work through this.
