Sufferer My Story...

[dpal]

First off all, a big hello to everyone in this forum. Chanced across this place while googling my specific situation, and from what I've read, everyone here seems to be genuinely helpful, caring and try to provide positive advice, which is pretty much what I need.

I was diagnosed with ptsd and was seeing a therapist for a few weeks. I had trouble opening up n stopped going but my symptoms seemed to be getting better... well I thought they were as my nightmares had stopped and I had started sleeping better. At that time I was away from work on an extended leave. I'm now back, and since my return, I've been having a lot of troubles at work. No matter how much I try, I seem to be making constant mistakes. They vary to extremely minor, to around 3 major ones, and its mistakes that I shouldn't be making as I WAS very good at my role beforehand. I don't know what it is, I seem to have lost knowledge, my attention to detail is lacking, and well I just feel useless in my role.

My boss hasn't been very helpful with what I'm going thru. Its reached the point where I haven't spoken to my boss for at least a month and he goes out of his way to avoid me as well, The boss goes out of his way to pick on minor issues which if others in the team make, aren't a problem, but with me, its the end of the world and hr gets notified. So much so that being 4 mins late to work and HR gets notified. Its reached the point where if anything gets referred to him specifically, I've begun to suffer anxiety attacks and feel like I need to get out of there fast as I know he will be looking for something to ping on me. I have also been placed on performance management due to all this and have already had 2 formal warnings and am very afraid I will be losing my job very soon at my final review in 3 weeks time.

Because of my event I'm currently in a pain management program, so I am still in constant varying levels of pain, seeing medical practitioners and am on medication to help block pain signals which also affect you mentally (blurred vision, moods, fatigue n the list goes on). Its reached the point well, for the first time in a long while, the nightmares returned last night and am already anxious about sleeping tonight.

I've decided today I will be resigning from my role on Monday (they are going to fire me first chance they get anyway) as the extra pressures that work is putting on me has brought these fcken nightmares back, are giving me anxiety attacks at work, and am made to feel so unwelcome I'm socially isolating myself and don't talk.

I guess I'm just putting my story out there to see if others have had bad experiences getting back to work after having ptsd, and how you have coped? Also, would you classify this a ptsd relapse, or general anxiety n stress?

I'm just devastated I will have to resign from a role I was brilliant at beforehand, but struggle to perform in now. I'm worried I'm making the wrong choice and resigning will be a mistake, but I don't know what else to do or how to cope.

 

[dpal]

Also, if someone can shed light on why I'm making so many errors when I never used to. My life at the moment revolves around my event, and I don't enjoy things I used to as much, and I seem to be lacking in motivation. Could this compiled with forgetfulness, and the fact its a struggle to concentrate really be it?

I hate whats happening to me, and where things are going...

 

[intothelight]

Hi dpal,

Welcome to the forum!

Cognitive difficulties, especially the ability to concentrate and short term memory issues, are pretty common with PTSD. They do get better as overall symptoms subside. Also, if you are taking medication, these are also common side effects for a variety of medications.

It is pretty common to quit therapy after symptoms start to subside, but you may want to consider going back to get a handle on the present issues. There is a lot of information here about PTSD, symptoms and treatments. I hope you find it beneficial.

Debbie

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome. A few weeks of therapy might as well have been no therapy at all. This disorder is more on the magnitude of long term and it can take awhile to heal as (I'm my opinion) one needs to learn coping skills as well as go through trauma processing. My guess is that this is a flare of PTSD symptoms and you were experiencing a good period. The good times can come and go.

Are you in the USA ? If so you're protected by the Americans with a Disabilities act, but of course, only if you disclose your disability and request reasonable accommodations. (If you live elsewhere, laws vary.)

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome!

I am so glad you are leaving your job. Your boss sounds like a complete jerk and you don't need that stress.

You sound normal to me. Anyone dealing with re-emerging PTSD symptoms can have the inability to focus, etc. When your survival brain is activated and dominant, your thinking neocortex brain goes a little dark automatically.

Even without PTSD, when people are stressed they have trouble doing what is normally easy.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Hashi]

Hi dpal,

Welcome to the forum.

Also, if someone can shed light on why I'm making so many errors when I never used to.... I don't enjoy things I used to as much, and I seem to be lacking in motivation. Could this compiled with forgetfulness, and the fact its a struggle to concentrate really be it?

Yes, definitely. I would add, the stress and anxiety caused by your unhelpful boss and the performance management process.

I went back to work about 8 months ago after nearly a year off. It was a new job, and at first I made one mistake after another. I also used to be very good at what I do, and this job had less responsibility than I was used to. I still messed things up over and over.

I'm very lucky that it's a supportive environment, and that has helped me to feel less anxious and more confident. With that, my mistakes have become fewer. But if I'd been in situation like yours, I'm sure it would have only made things worse.

In my last job, before I had to take all the time off, the situation was awful. My boss was aggressive and abusive, and tried to get me to do things that were unethical (once, even illegal). I held out for redundancy, because I knew he was contriving to get rid of me that way, but I wondered at the time and afterwards whether I should have left sooner. It was damaging to stay in such a bad situation. I think you're doing what's best for you.

Even if you do have to resign, I think you can still do OK somewhere else in a better atmosphere. It's hard to accept not doing as well at work as previously, but maybe focussing on healing for a while is the most important thing?

 

[Ellie2014]

Another option: go into an inpatient program and/or intensive outpatient program to stabilize some of your symptoms and use FMLA. It's possible that once you get over this roller coaster, you can go back to the same job and be the star performer you were before the flare up (sounds like you have SO much potential- don't let this setback get the best of you and don't give up on the something you do well right now. Ptsd will cloud your better judgement)

 

[Makaili]

Hi

Your post really resonated with me. For a number of reasons. I was searching the internet for support groups/forums and I stumbled across this one. I've been on long term disability for just over a year. I walked out of work one day and I've yet to return. I didn't know what was going on with me or what was happening to my mind. I often simplify it like this... my mind used to be like a wonderful Apple MAC computer. It just worked. I didn't have to think about it. Everything functioned properly. The way it was supposed to. I didn't need any kind of protection to make all the bells and whistles work efficiently and proficiently. I was capable of juggling several balls in the air. I was everything to everyone. Now, my brain is like a PC computer. Constantly misfiring. I require 'virus protection'. I regularly shut down and I need to restart. Often. My brain always has the egg timer twirling, indicating that something is working in the background but nothing is happening. Now, all my balls are flat and on the ground. And I feel like I'm nothing to everybody.

I have a job that requires me to be a fast thinker, quick on my feet, very analytical, and extremely detailed oriented. My memory is gone. My boyfriend lovingly teases me and says I'm like Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates. True story. It's that bad.

I have PTSD. It's from a number of things. Probably sexual abuse from my childhood. But I have no memories. I was sexually assaulted. More than once. And I was bullied at work. That was what caused the big crack in the vase. So I understand your anxiety. And your frustration. When I read your post, my heart raced a titch because I knew what you were going through.

In addition to the PTSD, I also have Hashimoto's hypothyroidism. All the things feelings that you mentioned... are very similar to the symptoms of someone who has a hypothyroid. Have you ever been tested? For me, when the PTSD kicked in, or when I'm extremely triggered, my thyroid goes crazy. There is a really good website called Hypothyroid Mom. And just today, there was a super great article written. It called 'Hypothyroid ruined my life'. Or something like that. I can't remember *smirk* It's worth the read.

Before quitting your job, maybe look at your options? Disability? Are you from the USA or Canada? Different laws apply. But then again, if you don't need your job, say goodbye with a happy smile and go take care of yourself : )

 

[dpal]

Wow, after having such a difficult night, its great to come back on here today and see so many positive posts.

Intothelight and Solara, I think its definitely reached the point where I'll need to start seeing a therapist again, i guess the reason why I stopped last time was the therapist wasn't a good fit and I found it very difficult to open up and really get to the root of the problems. By the time I'd stopped seeing him, the nightmares had subsided and I wasn't as on edge as I was originally. I'd honestly thought I was ok and things would go back to normal for me, how wrong I was.

Franciemarnie, that he definitely is. He hasn't made the transition back to work easy for me. I know I shouldn't be blaming myself but its difficult when it is the way it is within the workplace. Being on the meds, with the inability to really focus and making slip ups left right and centre lately, the blame is placed purely on my shoulders and after awhile, you start to believe it yourself. It doesn't help that I thought I was "cured" and haven't really mentioned that ptsd is the issue to my boss, I never really thought it was a flare up until recently.

Its a toxic environment and hasn't made the situation any easier hashi, resigning and focusing on healing and becoming "me" again is exactly what I need at the moment.

Ellie, this bridge has been burnt, its very unfortunate, but as soon as I resign, I will be walked out the door, the boss wants me out that bad. Even if I don't resign, the way my boss has been acting, and from the mistakes I've made recently theres no coming back. He wants me out, and isn't going to provide any training or assistance to help me get back on track.

If I get time off for this, they will just let me go. In Australia, if your workplace requires someone there full time to do the roll your workplace has no legal right to hold your position open for you in my situation.

O was in a very high speed and severe car accident, my dr. at the hospital even had the nerve to tell me I really shouldn't be here today or at best be a quadriplegic, and doesn't know how on earth I actually survived a 100km car accident against a almost stationary vehicle that pulled right out in front of me. I've fractured my spine in 2 places. 1 in my neck, 1 in the top of my thoracic region, torn internal and external spinal ligaments,and torn ligaments that hold my elbow together. I was in a neck brace for multiple months staring at a ceiling and unable to really move.

I've thought the exact same thing ellie, is this my ptsd which is making me run? Am I over reacting? But I just keep coming back to the fact, I'm making mistakes, and to many of them, I've seemed to have forgotten to much. I'm not able to concentrate and do my roll to the standard I used to, and the standard I expect of myself.

Makaili, your job sounds very very similar to mine. I'm required to think outside the box, pay attention to detail, and look at everything in an analytical view, all while following internal processes and guidelines. The way you explained it is spot on, I'm an egg timer thats twirling, but its not doing anything. the gears are turning, but its not powering anything. My mind goes blank and I become a robot. I go through the processes all the while not really thinking. I'm numb. Its frustrating and your right, you feel like nothing, you feel like your letting everyone down. I'll look into the hypothyroid you mentioned as well and hunt down that article.

I'm currently on disability at the moment through the victorian road traffic authority. I've spoken with them and they understand my situation and if I resign, they are happy to continue my payments....for the moment. I have pain management to attend which will be for the next 2 months, but after that they expect me to be physically fit enough to return back to the workforce full time. My payments will cease and I will be expected to be back at work. I just hope at that stage therapy has helped enough for me to be able to go back to the workplace, and not have these mental difficulties I'm currently facing which has ruined my current employment.

As things stand, I'm not aware of any other disability that I'm entitled to if I still have troubles concentrating or face further anxiety, depression, concentration issues etc.

Sometimes I just think it may have been easier if I was just traveling those few extra km's,

 

[Makaili]

dpal, you write out your thoughts very clearly and eloquently. Which says that the 'real' you is still in there somewhere. I'm learning a lot about this PTSD and it really is a terrible beast. I often feel like I'm overreacting or that I shouldn't react a certain way however, I've learned that's just the PTSD. My 'team' of people (as I fondly refer to them : ) have suggested that I try EMDR. Have you heard of it? I personally know someone who used it for pain management and it was 100% successful for them. I've done some research and it appears to be quite helpful for PTSD sufferers. While PTSD will never go away, the triggers are defused. I'm going to try it.

As empty as these words may sound, I really am sorry that you're going through all this. I know what it feels like. I've experienced workplace bullying and it's an awful awful awful feeling. Where I currently work, my boss was a nasty bully. A terrible person. Did absolutely everything to sabotage my career and poison my work relationships and alienate my colleagues. The damage done to my psyche, confidence, and self esteem took such a hit. I let this go on for about 3 years and then I finally filed a complaint. After an investigation, she was fired. That's right. My boss was a woman! Unfortunately, they replaced her with someone that is very similar. While he's not a bully, he definitely has certain characteristics that trigger me. We don't work well together :( Anyway, I'm sorry, this post is for you. Not me. I just wanted you to know that I do understand what you're going through. And well, it's super crappy!

Your accident could very well have triggered hypothyroidism. The main causes are toxins (environmental) and stress/trauma. A simple blood test is all it takes.

Forgive yourself. Who would have thought that two simple words would be so difficult. But it comes down to that. Feel what you feel. I read somewhere the other day, "Guilt won't change the past and anxiety won't change the future". Cool huh : )