My T Thinks Therapy Is Making Me Worse

[Jane.l]

I can't decide whether to tell my T I got a second opinion from another T - not sure if I am brave enough anyway - but what would you do ?

 

[joeylittle]

I dunno. It took me about a year before I felt OK telling my psych what I did in therapy, and vice-versa; and they actually talk to each other, so I don't know why I was so nervous, except it feels...odd. In your case, I think it might be really helpful if you did disclose it. There's a level of clear thinking and commitment to treatment that is communicated by telling your therapist that you recognize there's trouble in the current way the two of you are working, and that you've taken steps to try and work out your experience of it in hopes of making a better start with your current T.

I don't think it sounds like cheating, basically. I think it's really good self-support.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @joeylittle - I think I might try, clean slate and all that.

Had another light bulb moment tonight! (My mind is on fire right now ) I realised there's a lot of things I don't tell my T - not trauma stuff that's really hard and that's why I can't bring it up but more mundane things that I probably should tell him - and I think it's because of this abandonment fear - as in if I keep some things to myself when he abandons me I will still have a bit of me he didn't abandon because he never knew that bit of me. When my marriage broke up my husband said 'I have been with you 17 years and I never felt I knew you ' so it's probably a protective thing I have always done just didn't see it before .

Knowing me I will probably get overwhelmed dissociate and spend the whole session staring at the wall :(

 

[scout86]

I realised there's a lot of things I don't tell my T - not trauma stuff that's really hard and that's why I can't bring it up but more mundane things that I probably should tell him - and I think it's because of this abandonment fear - as in if I keep some things to myself when he abandons me I will still have a bit of

Wow! I never thought of it that way, but I think you're right. I do that too and maybe that's the reason. Something else to think about!

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think it's being closed after traumas to keep things to ourselves. For me, I think of them as not things to share, maybe question if they're important or even qualify as traumatic, & I think they are 'past', after all (even if it's one day). I think I question the relevancy too in saying something that I know will likely make me feel worse, I don't think that I may actually feel better later (I guess usually because I too feel it's my fault). Or I think disclosure may reflect on others, & reflect on myself. It's wholly complicated. :rolleyes: The disclosure feels as wrong as the content. I guess I also minimize. Basically I wasn't raised to say anything. For one thing " 'sympathy' was between 'sh*t' & 'syphlis' in the dictionary", was what I heard growing up and as an adult too. I don't feel that way as regards others, but I do as regards myself.

So I commend you @Jane.l , for your courage & bravery & self-discoveries! :tup: Good luck with the appointment. :hug:

 

[Jane.l]

I have been meaning to update this but was waiting till I felt I was on a path where I knew what I was doing - could be a while !

So saw my t last week told him about my light bulb moments - he is very pleased/relieved that I finally get the framework thing . I told him about my other light bulb that I hold a lot back and he agreed and understood and then made a very good point that he is trying to show me in therapy that he totally accepts me without judgement and I am not all the horrible things that I have in my head but if I only reveal part of me - he won't be accepting the part I don't show which will allow me to think - he wouldn't accept me if he knew 'such and such' - damn good point I thought - only thing is I am not sure I CAN ever tell him everything urgh !

Only other thing that's bothering me is ... And I know I will shot down in flames for this but what the heck I am going to say it anyway ...

When I saw the other T I realised afterwards that his questioning was very strongly eluding to borderline personality disorder as well as the ptsd that I am of course very aware of !! I didn't know much about this - so I brought a book and read it - it fits - in fact I could have written the damn book. I have been banging on about feeling like different people , no sense of self , massive emotional up and downs - having major opposing views on almost everything in my life - my life constantly changing so I have no idea which is the 'right view'
Anyway this seems to make sense - I am not 'into' labels all my mental health issues are off my nhs records - I am not looking for labels just answers to getting some sort of stability . Now I know there is a lot of overlap with both these conditions but I just think it may well be this that is stopping me being able to stabilise and move forwards .

So here are my problems - why if it seems blindly obvious to me having done some research would my T not be thinking this ? And also it seems a bit like I am telling him how to do his job if I bring it up?

He thinks the way to get me more stable is to get back to the tough stuff and by doing that I will rebuild my trust with him and we can get rid of some of the symptoms.

The other T thinks I should be working on stabilisation and DBT and not touching trauma work - the thing is looking at the DBT therapy it's all the things that totally freak me out.

I can see sense in both approaches . Sort of wish I could mix them up a bit , get stable and cut to the chase.

 

[ghotiff]

My gut feeling is that you should seriously consider going with the second T's stabilation route. This is heavily biased from my first T who took me through trauma work way too deep and fast and left me a mess. Also, I'm just not convinced with your first T. If you had no other option I believe you could make it work for you, but I don't think it's the "best" option.

My approach would be to book an appointment with your first T for in a month or two and see the second T in that gap. I think at the end of that you will have a lot more clarity on what is right for you.

Hope that helps.

 

[TonyG]

I am right where you are now, Six weeks into therapy and all the bad stuff that I have locked away for 30 years is in my face, They told me the same thing it's going to get worse before it gets better and it has, I have to deal with this now,

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @ghotiff understand what you are saying and my logic agrees with you but I have a really good connection with my T and when we work well we really get things done and if I can't do the DBT stuff am I going to be better off ? Or just going round in circles not really getting anywhere.

Maybe I just need to lay all (well most ) of my cards on the table borderline and all and see where that takes us?

The other T said he won't work with me unless I leave my current T . My current T doesn't know I saw the other T - maybe I need to tell him?

 

[scout86]

What your T said about not being able to accept the things he doesn't know..... Holy cow! I never thought of that one! And, I can see the truth to it. Of course, he also can't reject the things he doesn't know, which is the point in not telling people stuff. And, theoretically, we're supposed to be learning to trust people... The only way to do that is take a chance...

I don't have an opinion on who you should go with. You're there. You've met them. I would trust your instincts, so I think you should trust them too. And, you can change T's at any point down the road, right? This isn't a deal where you have to do it now or never?

On the "borderline" thing.... I don't know. I took one of those online tests once and came out "borderline borderline", But, a lot of those traits can be explained in other ways. What my T says about labels (and I really like this) is that none of these "diagnosis" are really discrete, precise things. You don't exactly "have" PTSD or BPD in the same sense that you "have" blue eyes. He says there are ranges of characteristics that everyone has more or less of. When you have enough of these characteristics that it becomes a problem for you, it's a problem. When you have enough of these characteristics, it also pushes you over a rather arbitrary line that exists more for paperwork purposes than anything else, and you get an official label.

Take "no sense of self" for example. I guess that goes with BPD, but wouldn't you expect something like that from anyone who never got the chance to learn that they were "important" as themselves, as a child? Who never got to learn to HAVE their own identity?

Personally, if I were you, I think maybe at the next session with T #1, I'd throw the "borderline" idea out there and see what he says.

From what I've read, I fit a lot of the criteria for schizoid personality disorder. (Another real winner, because they basically say it doesn't respond to treatment, and there's some debate about whether or not people who have it even view it as a problem.) I've thought about asking my T. Decided not to. He either thinks it or he doesn't. If he thinks it and doesn't want to give up, I'm good with it. (And he's been pretty up front about the fact that he enjoys a challenge as long as the "challenge" is willing to try, so who knows?) If he thinks it and doesn't want to freak me out by telling me..... I guess I'll assume he knows what he's doing. If, at some point, he brings it up, I'm good with it. In my situation, I'm not really trying to make any decisions about him, though, so it's different.

I'd be willing to bet, if you ask him the question, he'll say he doesn't think so and give reasons why not. See if the reasons make sense to you. (?)

I'm not an expert. There are lots of people here who know WAY more about trauma therapy than I do. I DO think you need to work on trust in this process. I'm skeptical about JUST working on that by tackling "the hard stuff". I think you build trust with a series of small victories and insights. There may be big ones too, along the way, but one big thing after another sounds pretty rough. But, you can actually talk to him about THAT too. You may as well thoroughly talk through it and see what he says. The worst he can do is "fire you" and then your decision is made!

 

[joeylittle]

Can you ask your current T about the Borderline possibility? Reason I say so is, I've got enough criteria to fit as well, but a pretty important part of Borderline (as I understand it) is actually one that it's hard to be self-aware of - and that's the acting out. Roping people into your emotional tsunamis. Being manipulative without realizing it. It takes time for a therapist to diagnose it properly, unless its glaringly obvious. Your current T might actually have considered it but have reasons for rejecting the idea. Either way, though, it should lead to a very productive conversation about these things you experience that contribute to your feelings of instability....

 

[Jane.l]

Good points thanks - @scout86 I like what your T says about labels that makes a lot of sense. I know what you at saying about the sense of self - I guess the confusing thing is that it's all going to come from the messed up string of trauma so in a sense it doesn't matter what label it has but it's the black and white change of opinion on what or who I am I find hard - from nun to pole dancer - straight to gay - responsible to reckless - I literally can't get a grip on things because I change so much .

@joeylittle I think it would make for am interesting talk and you are right maybe it's not easy to see - I am not an angry person which was one of the reasons I had not picked up on this before - in fact in the book it says that some will do everything to avoid anger now that is something I do - also borderline has a reputation for being difficult and manipulative, often quite unfairly and often because it carries suicidal tendencies or ideation with it along with self harm and for some reason in borderline these behaviours have been considered by some as manipulative which again seems unfair - of course with all these things it's a sliding scale and I do appear to be high functioning whatever is going on inside.

Last week I kept saying to my T I need to get more stable to 'get back to work' and he said well tell me what you need to do that - which is sort of what lead me on this borderline path but having looked at the recommended way to treat it I couldn't do it anyway so maybe it's all just a red herring .

I think because we have done tough work before he knows we can - I feel I would like a safety net but also can't see how that would work - there is no safety net before we emailed and kept in touch a lot between sessions but now we are back within the framework we don't do that - he did a bit of a tough love thing on me last session and acknowledged that I will drink and self harm when it's hard but how do I stop that if we don't move forward .

I can't tell you how confused I am - I like in someways his straight talking approach and he is a realist - like that too - he is not the Samaritans he can't be there 24/7 - infact actually he can only be there once a week and that I find scary :(

Maybe I just need to face the facts I am really in this on my own and as much as we can make therapy pink and fluffy at the end of the day there is no safety net - you either get through or you don't