My T Thinks Therapy Is Making Me Worse

[scout86]

Maybe I just need to face the facts I am really in this on my own and as much as we can make therapy pink and fluffy at the end of the day there is no safety net - you either get through or you don't

Boy does THAT resonate! "In the end, we all die alone." It's pretty much how I feel about life. Except then I hang around here a little and wonder if I might be wrong, or at least missing something.

I will drink and self harm when it's hard

I believe the answer to that might be that you find other things to do instead. Something else my T has said. He went through a list of "things you can do to cope" one day that actually included alcohol. I perked up and said, "I can do that?" He glared at me and said ,"No!" But, of course, I CAN and we both know that.

They walk a fine line, I think, and they each walk it in their own way. Some with more thought and awareness than others. Many of them do what they do because they are caring type people. Yet they have to look out for themselves a bit, if they're going to be able to continue caring and not self destruct. They most likely would LIKE to be all things to all people, know that they can't, and have to strike a balance somehow.

Like I said before, you're in the best position to judge. I like the sound of this guy, somehow. Maybe that's just because YOU like him and that's reflected in the information I have. I have reservations about some of what he seems to be saying, but then I have that with my own T too. If you're looking for advice, mine would be to try being very open and honest with him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him about your concerns and your confusion. Give him as much information as you can and see what he does with it. I DO understand that that's asking something huge from yourself. But, what have you got to lose? And, I'll bet you've engaged in behavior that was actually a whole lot more risky than that. (What's the worst that could happen."

@joeylittle brings up a good point on the "borderline" thing. You don't come off as anything like manipulative to me. You come off as someone I really wish I could introduce to the dogs and share a pot of coffee with! :hug: (Just FYI, I'm not a big hugger. Would you believe that even using the emoticon version from nearly half way across the planet made me pause? LOL It's a strange and mysterious world we live in!)

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @scout86 I appreciate everything you said and your warmth, even if you had to think about it lol ;) Actually even more because you had to think about it.

I have just confused myself even further on the borderline thing having read through a website there was a lot of things I am not on there that weren't in the book at all - my main 'rule' in life is to treat everyone with respect (even if they don't deserve it) so I wouldn't say I am ever knowingly manipulative but I don't know what I am doing half the time!

I think I might have a conversation with my T that I have noticed I have a lot of borderline type traits and see where that goes.

I do like my T I do feel we are on the same wavelength - I don't have to mind my language or how I word sensitive things with him, he is used to me being a bit quirky and we've come a long way though it's been very bumpy and you are right I need to be braver and be more open but I know you understand with the best intentions that's not going to be as Simple as it sounds. Before when I have disclosed things I have crashed pretty badly after and now we have no contact between sessions I am scared I won't be able to handle it between time - he knows that and I think he would say I need to do and see I can handle it urgh :(

Ok I am heading over to yours for a coffee and a pep talk - how are you doing today ?

 

[Jane.l]

I really like how bouncing ideas off each other here makes me think things through ...
Light bulb moment !
... Maybe actually he is way ahead of me and is waiting for me to catch up - maybe he has clocked some of this, he did try some DBT style stuff with me and I didn't take to it but why is that ? Because I don't have the self acceptance ( @scout86 yet ! ) so he wants me to disclose more so I gain some self acceptance by seeing that he is ok with some of the dark stuff - ok that makes sense - just f'ing scary what if he's not ok with it? What if he pretends to be but is secretly disgusted - I struggle with non judgmental - what if? What if ? Urgh - ha started off good and talked my way back out of it :(

 

[joeylittle]

What if he pretends to be but is secretly disgusted - I struggle with non judgmental - what if?

Me too, lots. Just remember: if he didn't want to help people with whatever they need, he probably wouldn't be in that job in the first place. Something that also helped me get over this hump is remembering that when I'm at work, the students I get the most personal satisfaction from are the ones that are starting from the most challenging place. Not to say you're a student and he's the teacher, just to say that when you've chosen to work with people, specifically to help them move forward through something, it's the challenges that can be the most rewarding. I remind myself of this on days when I know I'll be talking about something specifically extra-difficult, in my book.

Before when I have disclosed things I have crashed pretty badly after and now we have no contact between sessions I am scared I won't be able to handle it between time - he knows that and I think he would say I need to do and see I can handle it urgh :(

Maybe you can tell him this, and ask him to get more specific with you about HOW to handle it? I'm sure you've done that, but if it's still something you are afraid of, then it's worth going over again and finding something that will actually work.

I have just confused myself even further on the borderline thing having read through a website there was a lot of things I am not on there that weren't in the book at all - my main 'rule' in life is to treat everyone with respect (even if they don't deserve it) so I wouldn't say I am ever knowingly manipulative but I don't know what I am doing half the time!

I'm with @scout86 - we can't diagnose, but from all of your posts I've read there's nothing that screams "borderline" to me. Regardless, I really do think it's a good thing to bring up with T - not so much for a diagnosis, but more because you have a legitimate question about whether he's considered it or not, and how it all relates to you finding stability.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @joeylittle that was really helpful you are totally right he does want to help and that's the point of doing what he does - I will remember that .

I have just read the end of the borderline book and looked through all the coping skills and I have just realised that at one time or another he has gone over every single one of them - I think it's just that I have such a hard time with wanting to 'help' myself - I wouldn't even let him say the word compassion in session until recently because it zoned me out so badly - I think it maybe the massive repression of emotions and avoidance that's causing my wired/suicidal behaviour - light bulb !!!
I will tell him that I am still very concerned coping between session .

I just need to talk more but often I know what I want to say and then dissociate and can't think or speak - it's been very hard to even get this far - I will write notes and go in with a plan :wideeyed: - thanks for your help :)

 

[scout86]

Ok I am heading over to yours for a coffee and a pep talk - how are you doing today ?

I have a part time job, taking care of baby dairy calves, for a neighbor & just got home and started the second pot of coffee for the day. It will be ready, any time you get here! :)

Beyond that, I'm scared to death because my T didn't want to cancel this week's appointment and now I have to face him and try to explain why I acted like a crazy person and I'm sure he's going to hate me. (Sound familiar? LOL)

The way you describe your relationship with your T is a lot like the way I see mine. It's been my experience that, if people get to know me, or think that they do, I can be kind of polarizing. Either they like me or hate me, not much in between. I actually had a professor tell me once that I "brought out either the best or the worst in people". So, I appreciate that, if my T hates me, he hides it well. That kind of thing IS important and I don't think it should be overlooked I think, in a lot of cases, especially if trust is an issue, the connection you have is more important than the experience of the person you're working with. Especially if you can stand the occasional, well intentioned, missteps.

I think you're on the right track, even though it's not an easy path. The "borderline" topic might be relatively safe ground to take a chance on. Not long ago, it occurred to me that, in a way, I wasn't even giving my T a CHANCE to do his job, because I wasn't giving him any actual information to go on. I needed to go to the eye Dr and have a problem with that, so I decided to bring that up during a session, because it was a real issue, but far enough from anything wildly scary that it felt safe. That turned out to be a start, because it gave us a "project" that we could work on together. Since then, it's been a bit easier to talk about other things. (Up until the last session, that is!) By asking him about what you're seeing that might be borderline symptoms, you give him something to work with and you give yourself a chance to see how it goes. "Baby steps"? All your concerns, like "what if you have problems between session?" are legitimate and addressing them is a good idea. He must have thought about it himself. What you said about him "waiting for you to catch up" makes sense. (I believe they call that "making progress". :))

BTW, it occurred to me this AM that my T, several times, has gone on about how "we all use manipulation" and it's not necessarily a "bad" thing, and now I'm wondering what his "hidden motive" for saying that might be. Some times I'm not sure if we start out crazy or if we just make ourselves that way!

 

[Jane.l]

Ha @scout86 I can talk my self crazy no problem :rolleyes:

I think the connection is so important but equally that's the bit that makes it so hard when it goes wrong that's the bit that makes you care what they think - urgh feelings pesky things ! We have done some trauma work that I never thought would be possible - so I think we need to stick with it and get back to there somehow .

You have nothing to worry about Thursday you have handled the whole mess so well and with great dignity - I would have had a total melt down and behaved like a child - you have been more than understanding - he should be very impressed with you - I am :)

 

[scout86]

I would have had a total melt down and behaved like a child

Actually, I feel like that's exactly what I did! :banghead:

And, you're right, it makes it harder when you care what they think. (And I guess we're supposed to.)

My T asked me once what I thought "freedom" was. I replied that it was "having nothing left to lose." He gave me one of those "looks" that I'm not quite sure how to interpret. I explained that, if you have nothing to lose, you also have nothing to worry about. It's also true, if you don't care, it doesn't hurt. (Now that I think of it, I believe I got into kind of a dissertation on "mind over matter/ if I don't mind it doesn't matter" in one to the emails I sent him over the weekend. I might not have handled things quite as well as you think! :bag:)

I have to hit the road a trim some horse's feet. Today, I think I'd rather stay home & hang out with you guys, but I guess I have to act like a grown up once in awhile anyway. Have a good day!

 

[Jane.l]

@scout86 don't worry if you lost it a little in an email - he will understand - it was because you were hurt and justifiably so.

I have a session today - my mind has gone blank -can't remember what I want to say and all the things that seemed so important suddenly don't - this is another 'feature' of my lack of stability I can feel all consuming passion and interest in something one day and then have no interest and feel detached from it the next :mad:

Having a nothing matters - why do I bother type day :cry:

 

[scout86]

I liked that. but it's too familiar to really "like" it. I have the same thing happen kind of often. If you still have time (I keep forgetting about all the time zones between here and there!), look back over what you've written and just pick one or two central things. And remember to breath! (Once, my T asked me if I'd please exhale. He said that his breathing tends to mirror that of his clients and, if I didn't start breathing pretty soon, he was going to pass out. LOL)

There's a reason for that shifting of feelings, I'm sure. Not at all sure what it IS, but don't let it scare you, it's just one more of the things that needs to be understood. (It will be ok! :hug:)

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @scout86 - if your T doesn't behave Thursday just hold your breath lol .

Just had a REALLY good session - on the way home - I will update later :)

 

[scout86]

ROTFL! I never thought of that, what a GREAT idea! Glad you had a good session and will be waiting for the update!