My T Wants Me To Ask My Mother For Info...scared

[macca]

Ok. I saw my T today after a month (she's been on holidays). While she's been away, a lot has happened, more stuff seems to be surfacing. My flashbacks are introducing new elements that weren't there before, like the sound of a zipper, a face. My nightmares are getting more and more specific and terrifying.

Since there have been many things to suggest early CSA, my T wants me to ask my family. I tried to ask my mother (very carefully) whether they used to lock a house we used to live in. She answered about a town I didn't ask about, and looked startled when I asked specifically about the town in question, and then "got busy" and ignored me. My mother is very good at "disappearing" things, she's done it all my life, even about life-threatening events. My family has also minimised stuff that they shouldn't. So I'm reluctant, as it means I would have to break through my mother's super-avoidance, and my own fear of knowing, as well as my fear of being invalidated yet again.

I've only told one brother, who has been in the army and who I thought would be more familiar with PTSD, plus he was the one I thought least likely to minimise me. However, he still does, even though he is trying to be supportive, he gently points out that nothing happened to me (which he knows isn't true, even if he doesn't know about the incident/s in question). Then I get to questioning my own sanity, and wonder if I'm making it all up. I keep going in this loop, of invalidating myself and then having symptoms that I cannot ignore. My T thinks it's time to break that loop. She is suspicious of my mother's reaction too. She wants me to try and ask, being as "matter-of-fact" as I can, trying not to be dramatic in any way so as not to scare her off, and ask "what happened" rather than "do you know IF something happened". That's to give her less room to wriggle out of it using my own doubts. I'm thinking of trying to "practise" with my oldest brother first, as he is 10 years older and would remember more, and I'm hoping against hope that he doesn't just dismiss me.

Anyway, any advice on confronting my mother? I'm also reluctant as my father has gone through cancer treatment til early this year, though he seems to have made it through the worst of it. My T thinks I've delayed long enough though.

 

[desiderata310]

Braver than me! I can't talk to my mom about this stuff. It's bad enough now that her mind is going and I have to help her with everything (not easy from across the country)

What about the tell me a story approach. Hey, I kinda remember this stuff about this! haha, I must have been super young. What was up with that? Tell me about it!

 

[Viosinger]

So brave! I'm contemplating finally telling my parents 10 years later what happened to me. Best wishes! Sadly, I have no advice. Though your therapist may have other suggestions to ease discomfort?

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Amelia Earhart once said "Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace". If you are afraid of finding out the truth maybe work on letting go of your fears about what might happen first. Hoping much success for you. Namaste - Laurie

 

[Barconian]

Come on @macca You can do this :) I know you are braver than this... I saw it!

 

[macca]

Laurie - thank you for that quote - that really is very meaningful to me right now.
Barconian - thank you, though I don't feel very brave at all, I did achieve something big tonight!
Viosinger - you are right, she did have some advice, and it turned out to be very good advice.

The advice was to try and be as matter-of-fact as I can. My emotions can be overwhelming, but she suspects that my strong emotions may actually make them believe me less, as they think of me as overreactive and a drama queen. Even though I've always hidden and ignored big stuff (and they've ignored big stuff), little stuff has gotten me very upset growing up, particularly invalidation and emotional abuse (from my father). I guess, on re-reading that, emotional abuse isn't really "little stuff" at all. Interesting how I tell myself that it is.

Tonight I worked up the courage to tell another of my siblings that I had PTSD, and was able to ask some questions about my past. There was skepticism at first, because he was suspicious that the T might have put the thought in my head, but I was able to convince him in the end, by not trying too hard, just laying all the little bits and pieces I know out there. I've had these symptoms all my life and ignored them, but they got too much to ignore and that's what drove me to the psychologist.

I think I may also have reached him (at least partially) because I was able to contain my emotions better, and didn't insist I was right, just explored his version of events. I think by the end of it he was agreeing that something wasn't right, even though we don't know what. That is HUGE for my family. Another BIG thing was me finally being open about my concerns that our mother would just try to sweep it under the carpet, that she had a habit of doing that - he actually agreed that she did do that. That's unheard of in my family, to admit anybody might have a fault (except my father, who is frequent in stating that everyone has terrible flaws, excepting himself).

I even asked him about the face I saw in the flashback, whether anyone living near us at the time might have looked like that (I only saw it for an instant). Interesting that without me saying so, he mentioned the man across the road too. I have had nagging doubts about him, but cannot justify them.

So, the upshot of this is, he could tell just how difficult it was for me to tell him, and he offered to approach our mother and breach the subject with her on my behalf. I wasn't sure about that, as I can't be certain that my questions would be answered, or whether on his hearing her explain away my symptoms and justify her side, that she might convince him I'm mentally unstable and making it up. He also suggested that perhaps he be present with me when I ask her, and then he could be the "objective" voice. Hmm to that too. I don't really know how much he believes me, even though he agreed in the end. I think the main reason I was able to get through was because he opened up and said that he'd been worried for a long time that something might have happened to his own daughter.

Anyway, my parents live 2 1/2 hours away, so I had been thinking of doing this over the phone, but maybe I should do it in person. A lot more difficult to arrange, and very exhausting and draining on me. I would need to go out and come back in a day, so a lot of driving, by myself (husband would need to stay with the kids, and I wouldn't want to expose them to that conversation). However - my husband pointed out to me - going all the way out there, by myself, and having my brother sit in on it, would actually look quite dramatic, the very thing my T suggested I avoid. I've had a lot more success with this particular brother by being more matter-of-fact. So maybe I should just call her?

A lot to think about. Thank you all for your support, it means so much to me!

 

[PureDogs]

@macca

I'm afraid to ask my mom any more further because I tried to ask my mom (even my sister) about one scenario that I remembered when I was young. My sister did not answer to my question and my mom simply say "I don't remember".

I do remember this scenario very clearly and was scary. A friend told me that it might be a guardian angel may warn me that something bad can happen but deep inside me I don't think so.

Allow me share on this:

It was dark outside, My sister, her friend, and I was at nearby park (It was not large but small). I was playing and I looked up at my sister - She yelled and say "Hurry, come, come! Someone is at the park" I looked back and saw the man in black trench coat, hat then I become scared. I started to run, my sister ran - I could not catch up so my sister's friend grabbed my hand and ran together to my mom's place.

My sister told my mom all about it and I was lost, does not understand what was happening, and my mom looked at me and did not approach me to explain to me about it. I do remember this very clearly and did it bother me? Yes, it used to bother me very much until today. It doesn't bother me but I do would like to know what was going on that time.

I just remembered another one:

Often, when I visited my mom's place and I tend to notice a tan mini van parked across my mom's place and do nothing. I become scared and I told my mom about it but she did not do anything, I even want to call the police but does not happen.

I remembered one night I went outside and look; I remembered a man (apparently came from the van) took a glimpse then walked away. I ran back in the house.

Enough for now... I don't want to add more because it can affect me.

 

[macca]

@PureDogs thank you for answering. The way your mother and sister reacted is the same as my mother. It feels like I can't pursue it when she ignores, it feels powerful, and I feel afraid and helpless against it.

 

[PureDogs]

@macca

Welcome. I wonder if there is another way around it? Unfortunately, I am not able to remember which is my sister's friend who was there. I don't want to approach to wrong one that I am thinking of potential and afraid that I would bound back to the square one.

 

[macca]

Ok, now it's the cold hard light of day, I really wish I had of reigned myself in, and not told him some stuff. Who knows what he is thinking now - I feel like I've betrayed myself. I hope that this doesn't reach a certain sister-in-law, because it would be all over the small town I used to live in, and she'll get it wrong and make it something it's not, perhaps accusing innocent people. He said he wouldn't tell her, but his wife might. He promised, but I'm thinking - what have I done? I am angry with myself for weakening. Very scared.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi -

Glad you liked the quote - it is one of my favorites.

I rejoice that you had the courage to talk to your sibling.

I know that when I am in situations like yours what works for me is to work on staying in the present moment. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. It never worked for me to worry about what the future could hold. And it never works for me to berate myself up for things I did that later I think maybe I should not have done.

I hope everything works out in the best possible way for you -

Namaste - Laurie