Narcisist mother using my grandma's death to attention seek - Rant.

[WorldWanderer]

My grandparents brought me up, i didn't live with them, but they were my safe space, they knew most of what was happening at home, though some stuff i didn't tell them for fear of losing them and not having anyone to go to. I'd told them about getting beaten, food rationed or not given, but i kept the CSA from them and some of the ''punishments'' too. My T recently described them as torturous and something he'd expect to hear of from a POW camp.
I had a heart to heart with my nana recently, as advised by my T, and though she wished i'd told her sooner, she understood why i didn't.

I have, numerous times, tried to have converations about things with my mother, who always bats it away as her husband at them time, completely ignoring her involvement.

Home was the sort of place where all my friends thought it was a great place to be ''oh your mum's so nice'', she'd always go overboard and try to look like the shining model of a mum. People still see her that way.

Over the last 2 years as my grandparents have gotten older i've taken more and more care of them, seeing them everyother day, and calling them the days in between.
My nana died on tuesday very suddenly.
In the throws of trying to keep my head on straight and keep myself steady cos i don't know who i am without her presense with me, i'm guiding grandad and helping him on his journey to lay his wife to rest. You know how things are these days, everything has to be done online or email, he's 82! How do they expect him to manage that!
My mother, who my nan hated, has the audacity to be posting over social media how close they were, how she cared for her, how much they loved eachother, and it's all utter f*cking nonsense. And everyone believes her, the sympathy for her fake loss is pouring in and she's lapping it up.
Then she's telling everyine how she's supporting me, always there for me, holding me up, to which she gets praise for being a good mum.
My dog has been of more support than her!

It's doing my head in. I wish i could expose her bull shit, but she'd play the victim and i'd be the bad guy. I'd get the 'i'm your mother i raised you'' speech.

I 've got so much to handle right now, i know I'm not okay, i'm grumpy, low mood, not sleeping and so on, throw losing the most importnat woman in my life into the mix and add a self centered, attention seeking lying mother into the mix and it's an utter cluster f*ck!

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry for your loss.
And that your mum is using this as a way of getting attention for herself. This is what narcissists do unfortunately.

My dad died this year and my mum was doing the same. She turned her back on him in his last moments of life as a new nurse walked in and she started chatting away happily to that nurse as it was a new person to give her attention. At his funeral, she wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't gone up to her because she was getting attention from everyone and there was no reason to speak to me. Two examples only of her appalling behaviour.

Anyway, my point being: your mum's behaviour will be (sadly) very predictable.
Is there a way of separating yourself emotionally and practically from her?
Block her on social media so you can't see what she is saying?
Try and not give her bahvioir any power?
Try and see it differently? (How sad and superficial she is and how she is missing out on genuine relationships?).

Focus on yourself as much as you can. This is your time to grieve someone very important.

 

[WorldWanderer]

I'm sorry for your loss.
And that your mum is using this as a way of getting attention for herself. This is what narcissists do unfortunately.

My dad died this year and my mum was doing the same. She turned her back on him in his last moments of life as a new nurse walked in and she started chatting away happily to that nurse as it was a new person to give her attention. At his funeral, she wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't gone up to her because she was getting attention from everyone and there was no reason to speak to me. Two examples only of her appalling behaviour.

Anyway, my point being: your mum's behaviour will be (sadly) very predictable.
Is there a way of separating yourself emotionally and practically from her?
Block her on social media so you can't see what she is saying?
Try and not give her bahvioir any power?
Try and see it differently? (How sad and superficial she is and how she is missing out on genuine relationships?).

Focus on yourself as much as you can. This is your time to grieve someone very important.

I thought about blocking but she'd figure out that I'd done that and make a big deal out of it, so I've just decided to step away from social media. I use it for work, so will just go through business suite rather than my account.
It's definitely a good idea to put as much space between us as possible.
Looking at it differently is an amazing idea, thank you :-)

 

[arfie]

she'd play the victim and i'd be the bad guy. I'd get the 'i'm your mother i raised you'' speech.

when i already know something like this about someone, i don't waste time or energy trying to change the facts of **their** lives. it is not within my power to change other people. with radical acceptance i can bypass the agony and form self-defense strategies. visualization is my most effective coping tool for a scenario such as this. i visualize the person screaming their rants through the bars of a mental institution window. healing hopes for all. no exceptions. i don't need to take their psychotic rants personally or attach my serenity to controlling them. they is what they is and they ain't what they ain't.

sorry for your loss. i hope healing happens here.

 

[Lily44]

My grandparents brought me up, i didn't live with them, but they were my safe space, they knew most of what was happening at home, though some stuff i didn't tell them for fear of losing them and not having anyone to go to. I'd told them about getting beaten, food rationed or not given, but i kept the CSA from them and some of the ''punishments'' too. My T recently described them as torturous and something he'd expect to hear of from a POW camp.
I had a heart to heart with my nana recently, as advised by my T, and though she wished i'd told her sooner, she understood why i didn't.

I have, numerous times, tried to have converations about things with my mother, who always bats it away as her husband at them time, completely ignoring her involvement.

Home was the sort of place where all my friends thought it was a great place to be ''oh your mum's so nice'', she'd always go overboard and try to look like the shining model of a mum. People still see her that way.

Over the last 2 years as my grandparents have gotten older i've taken more and more care of them, seeing them everyother day, and calling them the days in between.
My nana died on tuesday very suddenly.
In the throws of trying to keep my head on straight and keep myself steady cos i don't know who i am without her presense with me, i'm guiding grandad and helping him on his journey to lay his wife to rest. You know how things are these days, everything has to be done online or email, he's 82! How do they expect him to manage that!
My mother, who my nan hated, has the audacity to be posting over social media how close they were, how she cared for her, how much they loved eachother, and it's all utter f*cking nonsense. And everyone believes her, the sympathy for her fake loss is pouring in and she's lapping it up.
Then she's telling everyine how she's supporting me, always there for me, holding me up, to which she gets praise for being a good mum.
My dog has been of more support than her!

It's doing my head in. I wish i could expose her bull shit, but she'd play the victim and i'd be the bad guy. I'd get the 'i'm your mother i raised you'' speech.

I 've got so much to handle right now, i know I'm not okay, i'm grumpy, low mood, not sleeping and so on, throw losing the most importnat woman in my life into the mix and add a self centered, attention seeking lying mother into the mix and it's an utter cluster f*ck!

here's a rock you can stand on..... when messed up situations in our world don't get the proper care they deserve... God said "revenge is mine, I will repay". I believe that and it has helped me because it's an awful feeling to think that abusive people get away with hurting others horribly as they do. In the meantime, take care of you!