Childhood My Triggers Are Driving My Children Away

[sun seeker]

I just wanted to chime in and say I too detest shopping. At worst it makes my anxiety go through the roof. At best it just bores me. You are not alone there.

It sounds like you have very good reasons for your triggers (we always do... it's just easy to lose sight of that fact when we are being hard on ourselves). Not your fault. I hope your family can find it in themselves to be understanding, and I agree with @FridayJones: if the point is to have fun together, can you find something else that is actually fun for all of you?

 

[The Albatross]

Guess I'm a hard ass ... If "I" want to go to the wedding and participate I will endeavor to do and find the skill sets for accomplishing that without undue burden on others. But like I said that's just me.

 

[anonymous]

Yes, I've felt the pressure during a wedding to do what my family wanted. It wasn't worth the re-traumatization that occurred.

I would say, TRUST your instincts, decide what you can do (wear a dress that doesn't make you stand out, stand in the back of the picture, or, I mean this truly, for your own self care, say that you are not able to be photographed, or even be at the wedding), so that you can have an 'internal locos of control' that is your right!

Perhaps, one by one, think of each option, breath into the imaginary experience, and see what option brings you into your innate right to be grounded to what works for you, find where you relax and breathe.

Excuse me, but I think it is wrong for everyone to accommodate the bridal party, to the last details. It is a control trip that is a ship gone overboard.

Your communication to the bride didn't really get through to her. You are being gracious. Would you want to try again, and to say something like, "I have all good wishes for your wedding, and due to personal concerns, I'm unable to accommodate your needs.

Remember, the meta-communication (tone of voice and easeful muscle quality) that will support your graciousness and that will stay with them, through the years. You are treating them respectfully by speaking your boundary, kindly.

I am with you, my friend, whatever you decide.
:tup:

 

[kaoss]

I think there are "wedding people" and then there are "non wedding people".

"Wedding people" have dreamed of the day they get married from the day they were born. (This is primarily a female trait, highly imposed by society and culture.) "Non wedding people" on the other hand, don't give two toots about weddings. Many only attend because they "must" in order to keep a friendship alive, peace in the family, etc. And then of course there are the ones in between, the neutral ones who don't care one way or another about weddings. (I think many men fall into this category, and just do the all out wedding thing in order to please the bride.)

Moving on.....those who are wedding people cannot fathom that there are people out there who don't see weddings as the greatest things ever. They don't understand that not everyone gets joy out of these types of events. Somehow I think that it may indeed be an extrovert vs an introvert issue on top of it all, with extroverts not understanding why everyone doesn't get the thrill of their lives from months of pure chaos followed by a whirlwind ceremony and reception, etc. And then you have the PTSD factor where non-PTSD people simply don't understand the immense amount of stress that this kind of event puts on someone with PTSD. (I personally need a ton of rest time, so I won't ever be doing the wedding thing because my body wouldn't be able to actually enjoy the day in question. I'd probably be dissociated throughout the whole thing.)

Can you make a compromise and.....buy something nice off the rack? I get that the bride wants things as she wants things....but isn't it a total pain for the entire wedding party to have to take formal wear to Jamaica? I always thought that island weddings were a little bit more laid back?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful advice! My daughter is my best ally. She loves dressing up and we've spent many happy times shopping-for her not me. She was raised without violence or disrespect and she is an extrovert. She has also taken pains to learn why I am so unstable over minor things. Both the kids know I was sexually abused. She has met with my awesome therapist and it helped her so much. Here's the thing: I have all the anxiety over things but don't make the connection to childhood for quite some time. So I make excuses why I don't want to go shopping-when all the while that's not the point. The point is the anticipation of photos and in the end being able to recognize and articulate that calmed us both down.

My sons fiancé is a peach. Her mother has severe anxiety so she is used to living with that. My personal tastes is Bohemian/old hippie. She wants a more formal look and I am useless to pick that out. I knew when she said it would be a destination wedding that I needed to buy a dress last spring while the choices were better and not sold out. I had a lovely dress and it was ruined by the seamstress. Now the whole f*cking thing is last minute and I just can't stand it.

My daughter initially takes my idiosyncrasies personnel but now that she knows at least some of my story, she can feel less put off by me. Now that I was able to get to the true trigger, I think I will be able to let her help me. She expressed her sadness that I can't get excited about my sons wedding and in some level she may wonder how I'll be when she gets married. By then, I hope to have better coping skills. You know, I feel uneasy when our roles are reversed and she becomes the caretaker. That's one of the things that pisses me off about my PTSD.

Thank you all so much for your advice and solidarity, it helps me so much!!

 

[shimmerz]

I will endeavor to do and find the skill sets for accomplishing that without undue burden on others. But like I said that's just me.

I think a bunch of this depends on the symptoms of the trigger reaction. Regardless of whether I wanted to attend my sons wedding or not (which I did), much relies on support of the family, what triggers 'look like' (mine was dead out fainting). I had an entourage of friends helping me 'get through' but there was still drama. It was not how I wanted it to be.

I am not so certain that it can always be as easy as shoring up on skill sets. I could do that now I think (moreso) but back then? Not a chance. Ideally we all want to get to a point where we can prepare for events and make our way through them. We aren't all there yet though.

 

[scout86]

I've come up with a "shopping solution" that works for me. Maybe you (or someone) will find it useful.

I also hate shopping. And, I WON'T wear a dress. That's pretty non-negotiable, but, these days, there's generally something available that's going to work as a compromise. What I do is look around for a store that seems to have clothes that would be tolerable for all concerned. (Including me!) Then, I go in, find a clerk who looks "nice" and basically throw myself on their mercy. I explain that I hate shopping, am a blue jeans and cowboy shirts kind of person, but I need something appropriate for a wedding, "Help PLEASE?" To my complete amazement, everyone I've ever done this with seemed to think it was fun. And, I could be as idiosyncratic as I wanted to be. And, some of the stuff I've even worn after the wedding! :wideeyed:

@KwanYingirl , your sense of style sounds cool (to me!). I can picture clerks enjoying finding a solution to your problem. I usually do this alone. It seems like dragging a family member along would just add another level of stress, no matter how much they wanted to be helpful. (Maybe that's just me.) You can't find anything similar to the original dress?:(

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well today was much less strained. We are going to compromise and find a nice skirt with a sleeveless or short sleeve short waisted top. No chiffon and that is final. I refuse to spend an afternoon on a beach in Jamaica wearing ten pounds of fabric!!! Nice clean classic mid calf. Your outpouring of solace just wrapped me up in a cloud. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. This photo phobia has me consumed by emotional and body memories. I'll never get away from the burn scars, maybe something I can do in therapy to extinguish the mental distress. From this point forward I will try to find fun in the process. Oh did I mention the reception is open bar and I'm the only one going that does not drink. At some point in time I will sneak off, put on my bathing suit and go to the beach!

 

[The Albatross]

I think a bunch of this depends on the symptoms of the trigger reaction. Regardless of whether I wanted to attend my sons wedding or not (which I did), much relies on support of the family, what triggers 'look like' (mine was dead out fainting). I had an entourage of friends helping me 'get through' but there was still drama. It was not how I wanted it to be.

Not to me it doesn't. I focus on doing the thing (whatever it is) as best as I am able at that time after some exposures or goal planning and let the chips fall where they may... like a damn the torpedoes I'm going in thing.

Similar to what you share, I had the same reactivity as a child, teen, young woman to hospitals and doctor's offices. I was an ill child frequently (and teen and young woman) so not going was not an option. I too would faint every dang time. It was not what I wanted it to be either. I though did develop coping skills and management even way back then... at first it was only making sure there was chair or seat available and at the check in desk telling the person that "I pass out" and asking them to have amyl nitrate (smelling salts) handy... cuz at some point during the visit I was gonna pass out (though I really didn't know why back then I just had come to know it "always" happened).

When a teen a good friend was involved in a car accident... 6 people and only she and one other girl lived. When I went to see her with a group of friends, her parents were waiting for the elevator as we leaving. There were only two chairs by the elevator. I had already clued in the nurses on the unit and couldn't hold it together as I was waiting for the elevator. I had to ask her significantly older mother to give me her seat and sent a friend to get the nurse and the salts. I predictably passed out but on coming to I was mortified that I had to ask my friends mother, who was so worried to give me her seat that I resolved right then and there that I was going to get past this.

I became a candy striper, I volunteered with my mother who was "pink lady" at the hospital and slowly and gradually the exposures started working. I could go into hospitals or anywhere medical without passing out unless I saw blood. I then took courses where I'd be exposed at times to blood... doing hospital clinicals... guess what it normalized. Did I faint a lot? Yes I did. Was it what I wanted it to be and was I embarrassed, confused and at times ashamed? No it wasn't and Yes I was.

But did I avoid the initial certainty that I was gonna pass out... No I didn't. Now, short of real gory trauma wound stuff I beat the trigger. Anthony has a really good article about exposures somewhere.

Added in edit... sex (penetration) is still the biggie I've not been able to beat but there are physical medical reasons why this is so... it's not all mental/emotional.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Wow that really is inspiring @The Albatross good on you.

Maybe @KwanYingirl you could find this may turn out to be an opportunity rather than a problem. This could be your opportunity to take one small step in the direction of healing for this particular trigger.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@NoWhereKnowWhere i agree. See, what has been my previous pattern is that I get triggered but am not fully present and end up in a anxious disdociative irrational state for sometimes weeks at a time. It wasn't until I was processing this whole dress crap with my friend that it dawned on me what the real issue is. It's not the dress it's the photography. Once that became clear, I was able to explain it to my daughter.

I know I titled this thread my triggers drive my kids away and that is true. I have many phobias that I'm only just open to learning what the root of them is. I have irrational fears and concerns. I can't be spontaneous, everything must be all planned out-no surprises please!!! And they are both spontaneous people that have a lot of trust that everything is ok, that it's possible to just relax and take life as it unfolds. It's mind blowing that I have done enough difficult therapy that my mind can be open. It's taken a long time. I lost my soul, but I am learning how to reclaim it.

 

[scout86]

And they are both spontaneous people that have a lot of trust that everything is ok, that it's possible to just relax and take life as it unfolds.

It sounds like you've done a pretty awesome job of raising them! I hope they appreciate that, and I hope you can give yourself some credit, because it can't have been easy.