Relationship My Vet: Combat Ptsd & Tbi. Told Me He Loved Me Then Went "dark"

[buttercup2014]

Hello! Ill try to keep this brief and to the point. Would really like some advice or support as to how to handle my situation without pushing him away!
A man I've known as a close friend for 5 years told me he loved me, and wants me to be his "last". He was in Iraq. Air Force. Medic. Has Ptsd and Tbi. Goes to the VA every week. On meds. Lives 1800 miles away (yeah).
His ptsd has been no secret the whole time ive known him. I dont know much more about it as uve always left that up to him. Said he would like to tell me about Iraq one day. I said thats great...when youre ready id love to hear about it.
A few months ago we started talking on a daily basis...texts, phone calls, 4 hour video chats, poetry..the works.told him I was falling for him. He said feeling was mutual. He would say things like "when we get to be together forever" etc...
then one day, he seemed "off". Quiet. Withdrawn. He said "im not rejecting you at all. Its me. I promise you can trust me to tell you if my feelings ever change. In order for this to work you gotta know not to take this personally"
I would hear from him still, but it was different.
He went on vacation for a few weeks. I let him have his space and time. When he got back I waited a few days before reaching out. I asked how he was, how was vacation, etc...
He replied with "eh, my head is kind of a mess right now. Doing some soul-searching. Trying to find my place." From then on he wouldn't be the first to text or call. If I did text he would sometimes reply. These days if I text he doesnt reply AT ALL. one day last week I texted "am I ever gonna hear from you again or...." and he said "yes". I said "nothing's changed right? You and me are still on the same page, feelings are still mutual?" He said "yes". I said "are you having a really hard time with ptsd?" He said "oh ya".
I said "ya know, they teach us girls to take a hint when a guy stops talking to us or says he is soul searching. They teach us that that guy doesnt want anything further to do with us and we need to move on"
He said "oh well most men haven't been through what ive been through. Its not over. Just trying to find my place thats all".
I realize that I DID take it personally (and still do a lil today), and pushed for information and reassurance. I know not to do that and to trust that what he is saying to me is the truth. I dont text anymore. I certainly dont call. He said he would never ignore me.
SO, I miss him TERRIBLY. His withdrawal was so abrupt. Im afraid that I wont hear from him again. I thinkabout him constantly.
I guess my question is what do I do NOW? Ive read many message boards and this behavior seems to be the status quo. He said that our feelings for each other and plans for the future do NOT overwhelm him. Im torn between "trust him. Have faith. Give him his space and take care of your business" and "give it up girlfriend, he isnt into you anymore. You said or did something to drive him away or trigger his ptsd."
What do I do?! How have others managed a situation like this? I feel like I not only lost a lover but a long time friend! Its weird and heartbreaking. And I also worry about him....I asked him "are we going to talk like we did before?" And he said "definitely. I love you."
I want to be supportive and compassionate without losing my sh*t!
Help?

 

[scout86]

So, you believe him, right? Because, imagine that what he said is actually true. How SHOULD he express that to you?

JMO. Send him a message now and then that says you love him and miss him and are looking forward to hearing from him again, ASAP (but not sooner). Then be patient. Or "not". For some people, being that patient isn't possible and that's totally legitimate. If it's the case, tell him that. I hope things work out for you both!

 

[buttercup2014]

I do believe him. Its that "what if" anxiety voice in my head that says I dont. Its conflicting.
Thank you for the advice. Ive read that its ok to touch base once in awhile even if they dont reply. they like to know that you are still there for them. He definitely knows that im here to listen whenever or if ever he needs it. I feel like ive said my piece and done all that I can.Being patient is very hard and I've never dealt with an animal like PTSD.

 

[buttercup2014]

I know everyone is different but to the other Sufferers out there: what would you prefer a loved one do when you are in withdrawal mode?

 

[buttercup2014]

Like I said its sooooo confusing when he doesnt write back at all. Every single past experience of mine has taught me that they are DONE with you if they stop calling. Not the case here which is why its so hard to shut that voice up in my head. There needs to be a book called "he's just not that into you....unless he has PTSD. "

 

[Sighs]

It is hard not to take it personally but you are right - this behaviour is pretty much par for the course with combat PTSD. You didn't do anything to turn him off.

I agree that the occasional (as in every couple of days not every couple of minutes!) text or email to let him know that you love him and are waiting for him when he is ready is helpful. Try not to ask any questions in the messages or imply a need to reply.

As @scout86 said, its ok to decide that you can't handle being shut out and that you need to move on. If you don't want to do that (yet) then patience is pretty much your only option. In the meantime be kind to yourself, try to do things, see your friends etc.

Its hard because even though your head knows that its him not you, your heart aches.

 

[shimmerz]

Guilt, afraid of love, don't believe in love, terrified of attachment. These are all things that go on in my mind. I did the same with my SO. He made sure that I understood that this was not going to be a 'normal' relationship and was sure that whatever he was getting into he had a pretty good idea of. I was like a deer in the headlights. I would be on, then off, then off, then he would call and I would scratch my head and think 'why is he even waste his time with me - doesn't he KNOW?' Anyways, he just held steady - never applied pressure that was undue. Let me know that I was his go to person - made it clear. I eventually, through his actions, grew to trust that. As a twist I have been on the opposite end and have another friend who also has PTSD who has been triggered badly lately. I have really had to be careful as to how much I pushed as he was self isolating. Finally he is trusting me and is opening up more. Just let it be known that you are in for the long haul, ask if he minds you calling and get your head around 'normal'. Never measure a relationship with a person with PTSD as whether it is normal or not. All the rules - gone. Things hit us randomly and we react. Just love us.

 

[Friday]

My favorite people send monthly (or weekly) updates. Like mini Christmas letters: what's going on in their lives. Keeps the lines of communication open, so when I can respond, I do...instead of wondering if I've already burned that bridge... And then refusing to reach out, because I can't stand to find out if I've lost someone else I loved.

There's usually nothing going on in my life to share back. Until there is.

As a hint: Military folk in general (like cops) and combat vets in particular have a really sensitive bullshit meter. When people start playing games, we usually don't have the time or patience for it. When in doubt... Don't try to manipulate, 2nd guess, or overanalyze. Just come out and say it. Ditto, expect that kind of honesty from most in return.

 

[shimmerz]

There's usually nothing going on in my life to share back

And for me, I feel like there is too much 'ick' going on in my life and I want to spare everyone the horror of knowing me.

 

[buttercup2014]

Thank you everyone for your feedback and support! I check in once a week. No questions. Open ended. And yes, I learned that all relationship "rules" do not apply here. I will love him. I will trust him. It is still hard not hearing from him when I used to have a text every morning when I woke up. But it is what it is and I accept that because he is a GOOD man and is worth it. He knows that I am here for him. I (gently) will remind him of that. Im not going anywhere. And I will always be straight up with him should anything change on my end. He knows im not going anywhere. thats all I can do!
I remember he told me that when he goes into isolation mode that his friends and loved ones will often display the same behavior. Thats exactly what happened when he first got quiet. I didnt want to talk to anyone, I had a hard time getting through the day, etc...I need to continue to keep my crap together as I always have and not take this personally. Im educating myself about ptsd. The more I learn the more sense all of this makes!
You rock thank you very much for the support. Im here for any of you needing some support as well.

 

[scout86]

I'd just like to throw out there that YOUR needs and wants matter too. Being understanding, and respecting, him and what he's dealing with is good and it's important. It's also only about half the battle. You need to be able and willing to express your needs and wants too and he needs to give you understanding and respect back. He can do that, it just might be in his own way (what ever that is). A lot of times, I find it's GOOD to get outside my own head ("inside" isn't always a great place, LOL) and having someone else to think of is helpful. It can be done in both constructive and destructive ways. (Clinging, demanding, whining would be "destructive". Open, honest and accepting would be good, for example.) The whole thing is complicated! You, though, sound like you've got a great attitude and you both sound like you're worth the effort. I hope things work!

 

[Celia82]

Dear buttercup2014 and also Fridayjones, thank you so much for sharing these posts - litterally got my crying, because the ptsd suffering army vet i'm involved with is in the exact same withdrawal mode.. I havn't heard from him for almost a month after telling him I am there when he needs me and that he should reach out when he wants me in his life - and I have been torn bwtween wether to give him space or let him know i'm still there for the exact same reasons - the little voice in my head saying "he is just not that into you" and my heart telling me to trust him when he says he loves me and that his feelings are unchanged.

"He's just not that into you....unless he has PTSD," LOL. I will take that with me as a bit of humor when things seem dark. I cannot express how much it means to here that there are other peoples struggling with the same.

May I ask how it turned out for you, buttercup? I hope it worked out for you both.