My Wife Was Raped

[tas91]

Just recently while going to counseling, I learned of the details of a rape my wife endured prior to us even knowing each other. This happened about 18 years ago. She once told me as we were dating, she was raped and that I should know. As she walked away I was speechless at the time, loved her, and all seemed right. I was naive to think, justice was served or even support was given. She appeared strong, confident, and the past was the past, and it was not going to change how I felt about her.

During our now 16 years of marriage, we have four children and mostly a good life. Certainly the traumatic event that took place to her trumps my current feelings but here it goes. Over the years our intimate relationship seemed lacking, making me feel it was me. This at times caused issues. My problem lies with the fact she never told anyone, was drugged by her ex fiancés uncle, and rapped. She never told anyone except we were dating and I did nothing. These details all came out in our therapy, and others which I will not share. But as I continue to also attend therapy, it's not feeling like it's enough for me.

In short I'm a firefighter, seen many bad things, yet I am exploding with rage. I know it's a common feeling to want to de-maculate this pathetic individual.

I’m not sure if I need help, to know how others, if any, have experienced this. If anyone is out there that can help ease my anger, pain, rage, thanks.

 

[amethist]

Hi tas

Welcome to the forum.

From reading your posts, I can tell you are angry at the world for this, what caring husband wouldn't be.

Has your wife been diagnoses with PTSD, or is therapy just the beginning. Maybe you should think about separate therapy, so your wife and you can address your issues without upsetting the other too much with your own feelings.

There are a few other members on here who are struggling with similar issues as you, they will let you know who they are in time. For now drop into the supporters area, where you will find some helpful information for you as a supporter.

Take care and hang in there.

Amethist

 

[intothelight]

Hi Tas,

Welcome to the forum. Amethist has given you some excellent suggestions and I think you will find a lot of the information and support you need here.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[The Albatross]

Tas, I navigate and process new information by picking my focus. Reading your post, for example, I would take away the validation that the intimacy issues were "real" and that it wasn't necessarily about you. Sadly, my husband can also say this about our intimacy, but we are working through it together. Over time I'm learning how to do this... because impotent rage is a big stressor for my partner and myself, and ultimately it can be harmful to the relationship. I use anger, to motivate me for change. I work out to throw off the adreneline, and it's helping.

I was raped and the people I told just didn't know how to help me with that. She told you, she shared with you in counseling. No need to pick up a club and beat yourself with not doing anything. You most likely didn't know what to do.

Welcome to the forum, glad you're here.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Welcome aboard Tas, as a victim of rape, (twice) and child molestation (cousin) it takes sexual healing and, that can be a slow, painful, embarrassing process; especially when betrayed by someone (her ex-) who supposedly loves you.

When your wife told you about the rape, it was natural to block it from memory - EVERY TIME, I told my mom about something bad that happened - she never acknowledged it (unless a police report), especially when I had the courage to tell her and brought up the time her cousin molested me. She said it never happened. My father believed me. It made sense, 'why' I hated the man. When I was kidnapped and raped, my husband did not hear me either, not until I screamed in fear and anger - he believed me, but it hurt our intimate relationship forever. And, try to blame me. Let your wife know - how much you believed she was over it because you see her so strong. And if she needs to breakdown - you will pick up the pieces one at a time.

 

[tas91]

First thank you to those whom have shared with me. My wife began seeing a counselor alone prior to me finding out. It was during a joint counseling session when she told me with the details. I can say that was before I was in the picture but she is with me now. This affects the both of us. I'm a good man to her. But I coundn't protect her, but really how could I have, I didn't even know her. But her pain is my pain. I feel I wasn't strong enough to change her inner feelings. I'm really not good at putting my feelings on "paper". How can I speak without misleading anyone. I feel guilty that I have been the weakest in spirit ever. I feel guilty from the fact that my rage is self centered, there are many whom have suffered more than I and share the same suffering as my wife. I've been a good man to many women, what possess a individual to do such a monsterous thing. Maybe more later, but I can say thank you for listening now. TAS

 

[Tinyflame]

TAS you sound like you did a very good job at expressing your feelings.
What matters is that you would have protected her if you could have, you believe her, you think what occurred was wrong, and you don't see her as 'damaged goods'.

 

[tas91]

Still not sure how I am feeling. I wrote a letter to the pig but have no where to send it. Spoke with my counselor and actually felt better. My wife and I when together seened to have really connect like I haven't felt in a very long time. As she started a new job, I have not had the opportunity to talk with her during the day when I'm at work. Or now on my days off she's not there. This is really also starting to play against me in my head. I am used to talking to her at least a few times a day when I'm at work. I feel at this time we need or should talk more, but we can't. I guess this shouldn't mess with my head, but it is. The rage is starting calm a bit. Why would I risk what I have for a dirt bag. I need to keep telling myself that. I'm not a fighter, although never lost a fight in my life and would and want to kill anyone who would hurt my family. Hope someone out there can contiue to help me through this.
Thanks.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Hey tas, just keep calling her like you usually do and don't let any dead space some between keep it short - just say hi, just thought to call to see if she needed anything - when she answers just say soothing like, well okay babe if you need anything call, but got to get back to work. keep it short - she might think how much she misses the conversations, maybe a few times like this she might start talking. Just a suggestion.

 

[The Albatross]

Tas, you don't have to send it anywhere. You did the work, you wrote it, and you expressed yourself. They never caught my stranger/attacker. I burned mine and sent it out from a bridge at high tide into the Gulf of Mexico. It is gone. I sent the intent. It helped.

 

[Faye_Valentine]

Hello Tas,

I'm sorry you're going through this, first off. It's very hard when you feel so helpless over a situation and I'm sure the fact that you're both so busy has put a strain on your relationship. I've been told some pretty distressing things that my ex's have been through and it's only natural to empathize and feel for them. To you this is a new wound, and in time it will heal too. Just don't let it scar you and your relationship. When I get really angry I go for a long walk and if that doesn't help I work out or try to play a video game or something to get my mind off of things. Try not to dwell on it.

Also, as stated above, separate counseling might be a good idea. It's hard to be entirely truthful when your significant other is there because you're afraid she might be offended by something you say, and she probably feels the same. You guys have to make sure you're getting it all out at the therapists. Keep in mind that if you dwell on it and let it take over your life you're only letting this person still have power over the both of you.

It's natural to be upset, or even furious. You love her and someone hurt her, but he's not going to hurt her ever again and you're there by her side to make sure no one hurts either of you again. Smile. You're stronger than you think.

 

[The Albatross]

Off topic, but here I go. I had two "boyfriends" after I was raped. I needed 3D verifiable evidence that I was not "damaged goods". Neither was present with my current spouse. One was cautionary, and dumped me because he perceived I was unsafe. I was unsafe. The other emoted and built up angst about my rape which preceeded him, or eclipsed him I should say. I perceived his anger at something that he had no direct connection with, except by association me to be unsafe. Though I admired the professed ability to be indignant about the way I was used and treated, I could not buy the indignation about what he was feeling about an event that was not directly connected to him and it affected my sense of safety. I ended that one.

I'm just calling it out because in the short term I needed to know "I wasn't damaged goods" but I needed independent observation, because I had absolutely no friggin' idea where or who I was anymore.

See if you can dig deeper than your rage and connect to a commitment to your girlfriend. Know it is a commitment. I'm living a commitment with my partner at the moment and it is not easy. But mutually beneficial.