Need A Little Encouragement

[ashdawn8287]

So, thus summer I have been trying to force habits and relaxation blah blah. It has been good. My birthday is coming up and im not sure why I am depressed about it. I guess I am not where I want to be at and accepting that is hard. I keep telling myself I am safe I am not in the past and I count my small but wonderful blessings. I have been A LOT better at being social but I still need work. Speaking of that does anyone have any suggestions about public speaking?

Anyways I have invited a lot of friends over tonight for a bonfire. We live in the country and I love fires. I am extremely anxious and worrying about every single thing and all this stuff I have to do before people come over tonight. There is a couple college friends from the FIRST time I went to college coming and I have not seen them since before my fall out when I was 21 (5 years ago). I just don't want to be judged that I am still in college or how I have changed. I was pretty straight laced when these people knew me. Since then I have been through a lot of crap. I guess I just need some reassurance and kind words from anyone. Im afarid I won't act myself or whatever. And my fiance hasn't met these people either. I want him to though because these people were there for me. I stopped talking with them because my abusive ex and it seems they are just now forgiving me for it. Im not sure why they contacted me but it was pretty random so I decided to have a bonfire. I guess I will finish my coffee, do yoga, clean, and shower and get ready. Wish me luck.

 

[Leah123]

Wow. It sounds like you are doing great, trying to add new habits into your routine, and do some yoga this morning. I hope you will find it steadying and calming. I can understand why you would feel depressed and anxious. It's always tricky when past and present collide. My best advice is to keep in mind, this event will only last a few hours, and that if it's for your birthday, or even just a casual get together, it's meant entirely for your pleasure. Therefore, although you might not be able to complete excise your worry, it is important to focus on planning/positive fantasizing about exactly what you could do tonight that would be the most fun for you.

You don't need to impress anyone: this is not a job interview. It sounds like the bonfire will provide a nice attraction for your guests as will socializing with each other, and I am sure they all just want you to have a great time. So, can you spare some thoughts for what will be exciting about it, to counteract the other thoughts?

I would let the bonfire serve as a metaphor for burning away your self-doubt and the negative aspects of your past. Though you may not be precisely where you want to be, sounds like you're definitely in a different place, committed and making progress.

Happy birthday!!!

 

[franciemarnie]

Happy B Day!!

A bonfire sounds like so much fun. I can sure understand all the feelings and thoughts you have in anticipation.

I think it is cool when anyone is in school regardless of their age and if anyone is critical of someone else's life choices, it always reflects a discomfort in them.

My brother was and is a lawyer living in burbs with wife and kids. He called me 10 years ago when he was 50 and out of "nowhere" said he felt like killing himself. Turns out he didn't want to be a lawyer at all anymore. He wanted to be a singer in a rock and roll band! I was like - go for it! And he did, but not without taking a lot of flack from family and friends. It was the best decision he could have made and changed his life in so many wonderful ways. He hasn't succeeded financially in making a lot of money that way, but he is rich in feeling after a life numbing out.

I feel like we are all on unique journeys and if we listen and follow our hearts, we can end up accomplishing amazing things we never dreamed if.

Speaking of our hearts, I have to speak in public frequently. I have found the secret to be speaking from my heart. Any time I feel I am going off track, I go back to what I earnestly feel and speak from that vein and it always works.

Have fun tonight!

 

[ashdawn8287]

Aw I wish I could hug the both of you. Thank you so much for the encouragement, It got me off my butt and on to the yoga mat and boy do I feel great. A couple of my friends have even cancelled, honestly theirs like this huge festival here that I forgot about this weekend, so yeah bad weekend AND I am going to go ahead and pat myself on the back for not taking it personally that they cancelled. Before I probably would have been depressed and generalized it as nobody liking me and then I would have acted like a big old brat and thrown a pity party and let it ruin my mood and night, but no I get it, they aren't cancelling because something is wrong with me, they are busy with the festival and I can choose to go to it, but I don't want to and that is okay! Other people are coming and I will enjoy it with them!


Thank you for the public speaking advice franciemarnie. What do you do that requires you to publicly speak? I have realized I am holding myself back because I am scared of publicly speaking, but now that I have the right relaxation skills and practice them it has really put it into focus for me what I want to do. I want to educate. They only reason I never did it before was because I would have to speak in front of people. But I am at a good place where I want to face that challenge head on and get on with my life! And I am in a great university for teaching. Funny how it was right in front of my face this whole time and I have wasted time hiding in fear and anxiety and I do 2 weeks of yoga and it comes to me. Whew.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Last night, I went to a yearly festival in my home city. People usually go there to catch up with each other. I've been out of college for six years but my peers still respect me. As long as you're staying focused and remaining loyal to yourself, everything should be ok.

 

[ashdawn8287]

So, all my friends cancelled. And I'm crying right now in my bedroom. Its hard not to take it personally when they all cancel. So it is just me, my fiancée and my fiancees friends..... he doesn't know I'm crying. I feel pretty pathetic.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Aww I'm SO sorry! It's hard not to take things like that personally. (I know I would...) But, you deserve kudos for putting it all together, even if your friends cancelled. Can you focus on having a good time with your fiance's friends?

 

[ashdawn8287]

Yes, I just talked to him. He gave me a pep talk and im recollecting myself and im going to join them in a minute. Thank you for responding :)

 

[dms]

I'm so sorry ashdawn8287.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you dms I didn't really know who to turn to because it was embarrassing but I knew I couldn't keep it in. I'm glad I posted on here. I am actually having a really fun time with my fiancée and his friends. One of my friends showed up too but he is always here.

The landscaping I have been working on looks beautiful. We bought tiki torches earlier and lined them up around our fence that has vines on it. It is a clear and beautiful night. My fiancees pep talk was awesome and I didn't hide my feelings. Thank you again dms.