Childhood Need advice on dealing with returning abuser

[eowynofrohan]

Hello everyone,
My name is Eowyn and a while back I posted introducing myself as a PTSD patient after issues with my school. Since then another memory resurfaced, one in which my brother sexually abused me for at least a year when I was around five or six.
Since then I've been going to therapy and it's been going well until I found out today that my brother is going to be coming home unexpectedly for a weekend. My mom already tried to stop him coming but there isn't much she can do. The two places I could stay at, my sister's and my best friend's, aren't available as one is working nights and the other is on a family vacation for the weekend. I need help on dealing with my brother for the time I'm stuck in the house with him. It's from Friday to Sunday. Thank you in advance.

 

[ladee]

I don't know your age, but staying in a hotel for those days would be a good idea if it is feasable... and I'm not sure I understand why you mom can't tell him NO... but you find a way to take care of you... if you are not ready to be around him, you don't have to be... period.... best of luck to you to find a way to make this work for you...

 

[Kintsugi]

Does your mother know about the abuse? I echo Ladee... not sure what your age is. That would change my response.

 

[eowynofrohan]

I'm 18 and saving up money for college this fall so unfortunately a hotel isn't really financially feasible at this time. My mom does know about the abuse and she originally planned to travel down to where he lives so he wouldn't have to come up. (His car is getting an E-check which for some reason can only be done where we lives.) Unfortunately she wasn't able to convince him to stay down there and he's coming up for the weekend. He'll be gone after lunch on Sunday and is coming in tomorrow.
BTW I haven't had any conversations with my brother about it and I frankly don't want to. At this moment all he knows is that I'm dealing with a "mental health issue."

 

[Kintsugi]

IMO you need to set a hard boundary or find a friend who you can stay with. Just tell your mother HE must stay in a hotel or find a different place to stay.

I completely understand, at least as far as most people could. My primary trauma was years of sexual abuse perpetrated by my brother. When my memories came back, it nearly destroyed me. My parents were pretty shitty about the whole thing. He was still living with me at the time. When I was 16 (he was 22/23), I finally just said either he left or I would. Since then, I encountered many debacles similar to yours. It was just f*cking nuts, really, how much shit I put up with. My family now knows without a doubt that where he is, I will not be. I have sacrificed a LOT for that principle, but it was ultimately better than suffering through his company.

Can you not house sit for your friend/sister while they're away?

 

[eowynofrohan]

I followed your advice and talked to my mom, and we were going to have me sleep over at another friend's but he isn't coming home! Whoo!!
We discussed what may happen in the future (ie school breaks, etc.) Luckily at those times I should definitely have a place to stay with my sister or more likely housesit for a friend. Thank you so much for this advice-I really needed to make clear to my parents that I cannot be in the same house as him.

 

[Sideways]

I love that you were able to talk to me your mum about this, and that yoh got some support and understanding from her. That's not easy to do. Go you for standing up for yourself:)

Definitely support the idea that if he decides to drop in in the future, he's the one who needs to find somewhere else to stay. That's gonna be a difficult conversation for mum to have potentially, and it doesn't always swing in our favour when it comes to family. But from where I sit, that would be entirely reasonable for you to request that. If it's mum's home, it's gonna be her call. And a lot of people will go for the least confrontation, especially with family. Just wanted you to know, I personally think you're worth it.

 

[eowynofrohan]

Thank you!
Luckily I don't think this problem will come up a lot in the future, I am starting college at a really high-intensity theater program (ie no breaks) so I won't be returning home often, and this is his last year of college. Our breaks don't line up except for one overlap where I could stay at a friend's. After college, he's already scouting some careers overseas and in far flung places. On top of it, my parents will be downsizing to a condo sometime in the future, meaning there won't be room for the whole family to stay anyways.
With that in mind, I'm not really sure if I'd want to talk to my mom about him staying somewhere else, that would involve having conversations about the abuse, etc which is something I'm not currently ready to handle, maybe not ever. Thank you so much for the advice, though!!!

 

[Kintsugi]

You made my day, @eowynofrohan. I'm so happy for you.