Relationship Need advice

[Emy7995]

I very recently started talking to a very nice, caring man. It has only been a couple of weeks, which I know isn't a long time. I am not trying to rush things, although I do enjoy spending time with him and talking to him.
He is a combat vet with PTSD. He just got out of the military in February and his divorce was also finialized 6 months ago, as his wife cheated on him while he was deployed.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on what "normal" is... we have a great time together, but he rarely texts me unless it's to make plans to see each other again. He's a very private person, which I expected and I don't try to push him, although I want to get to know him better. How can I try to open up the lines of communication without pushing him away?

Also, he has opened up a bit and told me a few stories about his time served, but I'm not sure what to say. I cannot imagine going through the things he has gone through.. is there a way I can respond to show him I appreciate it, I'm just not sure of the appropriate response?

 

[Never_falter2]

Welcome to this boards. I am sure your Vet is happy to have found a nice lady like you. I am really not good in giving advice but I think there is a book that is very helpful for understanding your Vet with PTSD. It is called „Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior“. You can even buy it on this site. I think @anthony earns something from it which is a great side effect.
I also recommend the white board videos at ptsd.va.gov.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Was he more talkative earlier on? If not, he may not be much of a talker... everybody is different. You guys are still getting to know each other.

As far as combat stories, with my vet I just listen. I let him do the talking and I don't offer too many opinions or add too much to the conversation. I'd maybe just tell him you appreciate him opening up and trusting you, and just leave it at that.

Baby steps.

 

[Emy7995]

Was he more talkative earlier on? If not, he may not be much of a talker... everybody is different....

He honestly told me he doesn't really like to text. We basically text to make plans to see each other. And when we're together he will randomly open up and tell me a story or something about his life ... I appreciate any little bit he's willing to open up. I can only imagine how difficult it is for him. It's just unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I want to talk to him more than the few times we get to see each other in a week, but I guess I just have to be patient?

 

[Never_falter2]

I think you do have to be patient.
Some Vets talk very little about the times of their service or they PTSD. Some CANNOT even talk about it. There is something we call „speechless horror“ or „nameless horror“ in our language. I am not sure how it is called in your language.
What is it? When a soldier experiences something bad and it is traumatic for him he sometimes has no words for it. I think there even is a reason for that in the brain, because words are processed in the one half of the brain and the bad thing is processed in the other side of the brain.

I am not sure if it is a good idea that you want to make him open up. I think some Vet „reexperince“ all the traumatic things they went trough when they open up... as a result they do not want to talk about their trauma... because who in his right mind would want to experience the most traumatic things in their life over and over again?

Maybe you can talk with your Vet about the funny things that happened during his service, the funny things a military brother did... I think most Vets hate the question „So, you went to ... What was it like over there“ but they love telling a funny story and it gets them talking.

Many Vets do not like to talk about PTSD. Some do not even mention the word, they say they have „stress“, they say they have „the shakes“. Why? Because mentioning the word PTSD triggers them. My husband for example „has the shakes“ when the both of us are talking. That is how we call it... a friend of our calls his PTSD „backache“, there is a joke in our military about PTSD being the new backache. It’s his code word.
Some people, who do not have ptsd, have been telling me „How can you call ptsd the shakes for it is a serious disease?“. Well, yes, but that is how we cope and it does not mean we do not understand it is serious.

Being with a man with ptsd may sometimes mean that you will be alone. Thatyou cannot discuss something with him but have to learn it elsewhere. I learned to most I know about ptsd from books and from boards but not from my husband.
I think you may want to decide to learn as much as possible from books and not talk to him about his condition or his service if he does not want to.
So you may be alone sometimes but there is also an upside: you are with a worthy man and a nice and caring man and you will soon learn Vets are very special.

 

[Emy7995]

I think you do have to be patient.
Some Vets talk very little about the times of their service or...

I absolutely do not want him to talk to me about his service if he's not ready.. I would just like to be able to talk to him when we aren't physically together. I know it will take him awhile to open up, and that is more than ok with me. I appreciate that he's felt comfortable telling me the few things he has already.
I have insecurities of my own, and they are triggered by our lack of communication. I want to see him And he asks when he will get to see me next, but trying to get him to commit to plans or honestly respond is kind of a struggle. It makes me think I did something wrong but after reading a lot about ptsd, I also think that might just be how he is.
Idk, it's unlike anything I've ever dealt with before.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Emy7995 You wrote that you have insecurity issues of your own and you’re dating a nice, caring man who recently divorced due to a cheating spouse. I say that because it’s likely he may have insecurity issues at this point. Now throw in a combat vet with PTSD and this new relationship may be difficult for each of you as you navigate down this new path. From your original post, it seems he is treading slowly. I know I would if I were in his boots and, a long time ago, I was on both counts.

I think the answer lies in your very insightful question in your second post: “…I guess I just have to be patient?”

Yes, I might respectfully suggest you take it slow and try not to let your insecurities run away from you. I believe that if it was meant to be, it will be and patience helps that process. I wish you and your vet well. Take care.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Emy7995 you say he often does not commit to plans. I can only talk for ourselves. In the case of my Vet it has to do with the plan far more often than it has to do with the person.
Do you know what a trigger is? A trigger is something that reminds a person suffering from ptsd of an traumatic experience or of the times of their trauma, place if their trauma, things they had to watch out for while having the traumatic experience and so on. Triggers common in Vets are crowds, loud noises, fireworks, construction sites, having people at their six, Christian holidays, everything common in the place where they served, dirt, chaos, crying people, certain smells such as fuel, BBQ, everything burned, smell of dirt/soil, cigarettes, fresh gras. That is a few I can think of. Of course not every Vet has every single one of those triggers. Every Vet has his individual triggers but that is the most common I can think of. Maybe we should make another thread for a list. How do you think @leehalf and @Snowflakes and @Other people reading this thread?

So let’s say that you and your Vet want to met at a medical fair. The both make your plan. Your Vet agrees... but he is afraid of the crowd. It will be very difficult to tell you. In the military they have this sort of culture that makes ou feel like you are lousy and pathetic if you are afraid... so he soldiers on... but the more he thinks of the fair the more he panicks thinking of the crowds... and finally he does not go there. From the outside it looks like he is a giant flake... but actually he did his best.

Or... another example... there is a construction site next to your home... may stress him that much that he cannot come visit you.

Sometimes a Vet does not follow a plan because he is ashamed of his condition this day. Maybe he got only three hours of sleep each night for days and he feels like he just wants to sit there, maybe have a beer or an icecream and watch TV... but he thinks if he meets with you he must be entertaining and presentable... in this case it might be helpful for him when you tell him „hey, you don‘t need to be entertaining. Let‘s just watch sports on TV and have a beer and chips and maybe cuddle a bit... and if you say nothing all of the time or fall asleep that is okay“.

 

[Emy7995]

Thanks for everyone's advice! Out of nowhere, he decided that I was mean to him & he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Even though we spent the entire weekend laughing and he told me he couldn't wait to see me again and he really liked me. So... now I'm just sitting here trying to not take it personally but also very hurt.
I did all I could by letting him know that I am here if he ever wants to talk or even just be around someone and not talk. That I don't judge him and I know he has a lot of battles he's fighting right now. I'll be here if he decides he's ready for something...

 

[Freida]

I did all I could by letting him know that I am here if he ever wants to talk or even just be around someone and not talk. That I don't judge him and I know he has a lot of battles he's fighting right now. I'll be here if he decides he's ready for something...

We get scared off easily - which is funny when you think about being a vet. For me at least, there are always 100 things going on in my brain, and my hubby will say something and I'll get all pissed off because of...oh I dunno...the tone, the word, the time of day, the date, the weather, and so on.... Not his fault - my reaction. Sadly all he can do is exactly what you did --- let me know he's around when I'm ready.

I think you took the right path with this -- but don't put your life on hold. he can catch up with you later....

 

[Never_falter2]

Mine is actually nearly never pissed off... or very good at hiding it... dunno which of both.

 

[Sighs]

my hubby will say something and I'll get all pissed off because of...oh I dunno...the tone, the word, the time of day, the date, the weather, and so on.... Not his fault - my reaction.

@Frieda - do you know this at the time? Or are you convinced at the time that it is him in the wrong? My vet hardly ever acknowledges that HE is reacting rather than me being a bitch... Sigh!