Need Help Please - Crashed And Feeling Awful

[Pixie]

Please, before you read on... this is intense and involves some pretty bad memories. If you are not in a safe place within yourself, please do not read any further as it will be highly triggering.

I hope it is okay to post this here but right now, I'm really hitting rock bottom. I need to sleep and have even taken some sleeping meds but nothing is working. Every time I go to lay down my throat closes and memories keep coming. I need to give a little history before I can go into the memory so please bear with me. I just have to get this out if I have any chance of sleeping at all tonight.

**triggering**

I was born when my parents (ministers) were the managers of a very notorious boys home in Victoria in the late 1970's. I had three siblings that were much older than me.

The boys home had pedophiles working and volunteering there. One was only convicted late last year.

Although I was only a toddler at the time and we left before my fourth birthday, and as insane as this sounds, I remember things. Little things.

Being dragged into the large wooded area of the property, his hand tightly gripping my wrist and pulling me deeper into the woods.

But the worst part is seeing a young boy. He is dead. They show me his body and right now, I can only see his face surrounded by dirt. He was from the home. I guess they put him down as a "run-away" but... he never made it out of there alive.

I feel so sick that I could throw up. My throat feels like I am being choked again and I can't stop it. At least sitting up it is a little better...

That was in the 1970's but only a week or so ago, the homicide squad began to investigate these "missing" boys. Some from as early as the 50's.

I don't know what to do now. I need to sleep! I want to just disappear into that black nothingness but I see him every time I close my eyes.

What can I do? How can I get rid of this so I can get some much needed rest? My eyes hurt from rubbing the tears away and my carer (though he knows that something isn't quite right) doesn't know or want to know details.

Can someone please help me?

Pixie

 

[loqu]

Dear Pixie,

I'm sorry for your anguish and the horror that you were forced to witness. But please recognize this: You must seek professional help. Find a therapist that you can trust and who wants to help you. You will feel better when you talk to a person who listens intently to everything you need to say.

I'm not in a position to give therapeutic advice but this seems to me fundamental. I wish you the very best!

 

[Grainne]

Hi Pixie,

I have terrible dreams, some from actual memory, some just random nightmares so I kind of know how you feel. Not wanting to close your eyes because you feel you can't stop the images from overcoming you is a hard thing to deal with, especially when you are exhausted.

I'm with Loqu. I think therapy is the best way to deal with this. Maybe an urgent appt with your p-doc? Do you have a therapist you go see aside from your p?

Good luck,
Grainne

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Pixie

It sounds like you are seeking suggestions to help you through today and until you can get help to handle the trauma thoughts and feelings that are coming up.

If the stress is so bad you can't sleep even with something, try something else. For example, a hot relaxing bath, a cup of hot chocolate, go to a trusted friends place to talk over your feelings. You can always call your local mental health crisis line but they may be required by law to report a story relating to a murder. I'm not sure.

Maybe a call to your local trauma center would help. See if it's possible to see or talk to someone now, and if not, book at least one appointment for as soon as they could take you in.

In the meantime, try and use what is called a non-resistance technique. Don't fight the feelings or thoughts, just observe and be the witness to what they are, where the feelings or sensations are in your body, etc. Don't judge or assess your thoughts or feelings right now. Just let them flow just like you do when you experience laughter when you see or hear something funny.

I hope this helps, and let us know how you're doing later.

*hugs*

Johnny

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Pixie -

I wonder if the fact that they are investigating these missing children now has triggered you or brought back up these memories. Intrusive dreams absolutely can make dealing with life in general difficult.

I also think that you should seek out counseling etc. if you don't already have a T that you are seeing regularly.

In the meantime - my suggestions would be (remember these are all my opinion - take what you want - leave the rest [smile]):

- If you wake up from a dream, go ahead and get up (not like your going back to sleep soon anyway) - if you are stable enough try to write it out - how you feel - it might help you deal with it a bit better. If your not feeling well enough to do that, try a nice cup of decaf hot tea, wrap yourself in a blanket and just take a few minutes to self-soothe and then try to go back to bed.

- If you still can't sleep - I highly suggest a nice relaxing bath (I take one every night before bed - just to help me calm down a bit)

- Try to stick to a normal routine as much as possible (going to bed at the same time - getting up at the same time).

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with these memories, but as you deal with them more and more - hopefully not be so intrusive (again why I think counseling is necessary).

 

[Pixie]

Ugh... exhausting night. I just woke up from my second bad dream of the night and decided to get up instead. The sleeping meds have made me drowsy and it is hard to keep my eyes open right now (the bright light of the computer screen is hurting them) but anything is better than going back to bed again.

I do have a psychiatrist who is also my psychotherapist. We meet every week and he has been so fantastic with me. I couldn't tell you much of what we speak about or anything because I don't remember much but I know that we trust him very much. It would be near impossible to get an appt outside what I have as he is a very busy person. I tried that the last time I didn't sleep for three days straight and still couldn't get in! Ugh. :wall:

I know that he knows about all of this. I usually write everything down in my journal and take that with me because when I get there I freeze and then forget everything (at least I presume that is what happens as I don't recall much after I leave) so writing is absolutely essential for me.

I have to talk to my dad about what he knows in a weeks time. He is a good man... really he is. He was never involved in it. I can't see him being involved in something like that but I recently found out that he at the very least knew some of what was going on.

I hate that this is my history... and this is only to age 3 1/2 and there is so much more. It is at times like this that I seriously hate myself. :eek:

Anyway, I think I'll be up for a while and just sitting but these sleeping meds are really doing a number on my body so...

Just sitting for now.

Pixie

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Pixie -

Why would you hate yourself? You can't control your history - you were a CHILD. Children are supposed to have other people protect them - they are not able to protect themselves or anyone else. Turn that anger around to the evil people that did this (if you must be angry) - but not at yourself.

((Hugs))

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pixie,

My advice(and it may not be popular with other members) I think that you should contact the police and aid them how ever you can. Tell them what you know. I personally think that this will allow you to move forward from there out.

Do you have survivors guilt, knowing that you are safe, and the boys never made it out of there. I would think that you may have a bit of it, and that too, could possibly be eating at you...

I'm so sorry that you had to witness this at such a young age. It's awful what adults/abusers will do to children, for their own gratification....

You are brave, and you were at the age of 4 also......Be well, and I hope that things get better with you soon....

 

[Spacechic]

Pixie,

First up, I think its fantastic your getting help and have a great psych.

Your main area of concern right now is getting some sleep. Your anxiety of what you will dream is preventing you from getting the sleep you need. You sound like you have a great therapist who is on the ball. However like most of us getting support between consults is difficult.

do you have a mental health unit near you? If so I suggest you contact them. I know it isnt good practice to have more than one therapist on the job, but the MHU may be able to help you in regards to your immediate problem.

If you find things too much, I guess your last resort is to present yourself to A&E. Tell the nurse and or doc what is hapening. tell them who your treating psych is. You may find they can give you some short term help. At present you arent coping.

She-cats suggestion of going to the police may be a good idea. However until you are infact stabilised I would concentrate on your immediate health.

I hope this helps and I hope you find the assistance you need.

Spacey

 

[Pixie]

I am so sorry! I didn't realise things had become so bad last night and I feel so stupid now because right now I feel fine. You are all such wonderful people... so kind and caring. I'm so sorry because sitting here right now, I can't remember that full blown panic feeling and it honestly feels like (from reading my previous posts on this thread) "it wasn't that bad" etc. :doh:

Just to answer a few q's:

- I hate myself for many reasons. Probably too many to go into right now. My psych and I are trying to work through this but it is an incredibly stubborn "thought" or opinion that I have of myself.

- I met with the detective who invested 3 years to investigate another matter. I trust her so I went to her with what I knew a week (?) ago? I'm not sure of the timing. Things can be a blur sometimes. She was passing on the info to the homicide squad or something but they haven't contacted me yet. I also have a lawyer who is looking out for me too. I have to do this immediately because things are moving so quickly... again, lots of reasons that I won't go into right now.

- I shy away from crisis lines and all of that because I've tried that in the past but I tend to end up feeling like I am a sub-human. I don't and can't and won't let them lock me up in some facility but apart from that, by the time I feel able enough to call, the feelings described elsewhere in this thread have... disappeared? gone? and I'm left feeling like a jerk for calling. :wall:

Pixie

 

[Spacechic]

Pixie,

I too shy away from crisis lines. The one we have here rural-link is just crap. My comment about A&E is just to help you if you do find things too much. I understand your apprehension. Being locked up.. well I dont how things work in your neck of the woods but for most part hospital is voluntary. It only becomes involuntary if your treating psych thinks you are not safe.

But you know yourself and I am not about telling folks wat they should and shouldnt do.You have alot of strength and courage.

Take care

Spacey

 

[loqu]

Pixie,

There's two things that you write which I can relate to, and so I'd like to make a comment. Let me first say that I have not suffered a trauma of the gravity you have described, albeit I have experienced the symptoms of post traumatic stress. So I will try to tread lightly.

My first point of recognition is where you say you feel better today and how your experience of last night now seems remote by comparison. During my convalescence I have noted repeatedly how my mood swings up and down, usually with a few days intermission. I wouldn't devalue my prior sufferings, and I'm sure you were accurate in your description of how you were feeling when you started this thread. That's why I think it's so important you get competent care. anthony, our beloved host, made a good point in a post in my thread where he underlined the importance of never ignoring an on-going psychological issue.

Second, you talk about feeling self-hate. I wouldn't go so far as to say I've felt hatred towards myself, although I've certainly felt disdain and anger, directed to my actions (or lack thereof). But when I read up on the immediate effects of trauma, I came to realize that however a person reacts in a traumatic situation is at its core a biological response which is beyond our control. Maybe this isn't where your negative emotions originate, but again, I just recognized the sentiment and wanted to share my experience.

I've seen so much suffering on this board and I feel a renewed sense of empathy ever since I myself came down with symptoms. I really hope that you get the best possible support. Much love!