Relationship Need Some Advice

[Sangamo]

I first want to say thank you to everyone. I am thankful for the support I've received and also knowing I'm not alone.
I'm trying to understand things but lately I seem to be doing all the wrong things. My wife lost both of her children 22 years ago and after years of not getting any help and going through a lot of mess we reconnected after being friends in high school. Things were going well lately but all of a sudden she has withdrawn from me. Every time I try to show any affecting she accuses me of trying to force myself on her. Also each time I try to have a calm conversation about it she gets very upset and says all I want is sex. She continually says she loves me but I cannot understand not wanting any affection not even a hug. Hope someone can shed some light on my situation so I can be there for her but also can help the situation.

Thanks

 

[LuckyDuck]

It could be so many things. The withdrawing sounds normal but the accusations of that specific nature have a lot of red flags going off. Again, it could be so many things. It sounds like a really volatile situation. I'm sorry you're going through this, Sangamo. It's walking on eggshells. It sound like hypersensitivity, and the stronger end of it.

If it wasn't always like that, there's a good chance it will end.

Ok, drawing deep into my well. It's by no means near your situation, but this is how I experience hypersensitivity with my partner.

There will be a fight/verbal squabble. It's tough, 'cause my bf is usually the one who is right. I blame his smarts.

Before my brain will get back on the logical tracks, I get very tense inside. It's a fight or flight and with my partner, I feel comfortable with the fight. Not physical, just "dammit, I'm rite, here's x amount of reasons.". Sometimes also, I don't feel comfortable talking about a squabble. Sometimes it's because I'm trying to wrap my brain around something new. Those cognitive distortions are a pain in the butt. The emotional part though, it's still there! I'm out for blood. "God dammit you made me feel bad and I can't talk to you about it so now it's hypersensitive for awhile."

I've gotten better at pulling myself out of it, but the main thing is that talking about it is so difficult. The risk is in making myself vulnerable. And I don't like to do that.

So sometimes when I do talk about it, or don't, my brain goes into "Nope! Can't be touched. Nope! Can't be hugged. I'm not comfortable to cuddle, or to kiss, let alone have sex." In the end my partner is walking on eggshells for awhile. It's up to me to talk about it. Sometimes it's not even with him. Sometimes it's my therapist. I'll take whatever route I can. Sometimes I have no frikin' idea what the hell sent me off. In those cases, they're usually triggers. From there I work on the emotional side with my partner and therapist. It's a strange land of emotions, and I don't have a map in many instances. I have to feel my way out.

Now with the accusations, those red flags, why it happened, I have no idea. This is the part that turns the situation into "OMG this is WAY over my head and I have no CLUE how to deal with this." and I feel for you.

Is there a way you can find how to work with what you know you can work with? It's how it's done. Work with what you know. It's gonna be a path you have to carve on your own. It's not going to be easy. You'll hit dead ends that will most likely be repeats of what you posted. It'll suck. This is what it is to walk on eggshells. I wish I could offer more insight.

LD

 

[Sangamo]

Thank you for the reply LuckyDuck. I am trying to just be patient and see if by giving her some space things start looking up.

As for the last part I'm just presuming but after the accident she for lack of better term "bounced around from one bad relationship to another. If my intuition is right somewhere in all that someone may have been abusive. If so I could see with the pstd already that another traumatic experience would be devastating. I read a post on here awhile back talking about sex and pstd sufferers. One person stated that it was easier to have sex with someone who she didn't have feelings for. This said I'm wondering if the closer we become the harder intimancy, affection and making love becomes. Again thank you for you reply.

 

[Ocean5]

I had kinda similar situation a couple times with someone in a long-term relationship. At times he didn't even want to be touched, or for me to hold him. I learned just to sit near him. Listen to anything he said, and just be there in physical presence "without" touching or questioning. Just being there. I'd just sit on floor in case he wanted to talk, and to let him know I was there for him. Giving him his space.

He didn't tell me for a year what was going on inside him, and what had happened to him in past.
(I think he was having flashbacks of some kind & a lot of self-guilt.) I was lucky this didn't happen that often. But when it did...all I could do was sit on floor, and be present with him.

It does make you feel hopeless since you just want to help the person you love.

 

[Ocean5]

If it helps...from my college crisis management training as an RA. It does help if you make sure you are sitting at same level of them, or sit below them. So they feel more in control... Reason I'd sit on floor.

Difficult situation you are in. Person I was with also didn't want to be touched at all when he went into that phase. Total opposite of him normally.

 

[Sangamo]

That seems to be similar to my situation. I can handle the no sex part but it's hard to rationalize no emotional reaction to a hug or a simple kiss on the forehead. I am thankful for all of the comments and help. I thought once she realized she needed help and we were moving forward things were on the upswing. I know now that it's more of a roller coaster ride and you never see the big drop coming. I will try to be patient and maybe she will want to talk some more. I've exhausted myself trying to bring it up in every way I thought might not get a negative reaction

 

[Sangamo]

Well had 2 days were I said and did nothing other than the usual "what would you like for dinner" no conversation about us or anything emotional. Last night went to bed and I gentle reached to hold her hand to say G'Night and I love you. Then she recoiled like a snake and went ballistic. I can't even get her to listen and understand my feelings. She even aid I needed a therapist. I know there's so much I don't understand but I do know that people show simple affection

 

[Ocean5]

Sorry you are going through this.....sounds extremely painful.

Maybe a therapist could advice you how to deal with this, or explain things, to give you some comfort.

Any chance she would go?
Maybe she had a recent trigger?

 

[Sangamo]

It was the anniversary of her children's death 2 weeks ago. I guess it took a while for it to trigger or set her off. I have seen her get depressed in years past but not turn on me. I was thinking about going to see someone who might give me insight on how to deal with it but what got me upset was her insinuating I was the one who needed therapy because I was the problem

 

[Ocean5]

It was the anniversary of her children's death 2 weeks ago. I guess it took a while for it to trigger or set her off.

Could have been building up in her weeks before, and after. Then hit breaking point...

what got me upset was her insinuating I was the one who needed therapy

I know with anniversary of my brother's death it was always "very bad" with my mom. She'd blow up on me - telling me I didn't understand. Turned on me......

I'd give her space for now...or if you think possible get her to see a grief counselor, support group for parents who lost kids, priest, or psychiatrist.

For you I'd consider seeing someone to give you insight on how to deal - even just an older family member you can trust. Just to talk about things. Maybe eventually she will join you in time.

I've found just opening up to someone helps a lot. Otherwise I felt so alone for so many years dealing with situations with my mom. I know it's hard, but worth it.

I hope things get better for both of you.

 

[Sangamo]

Update to those who have helped tremendously. Pretty good weekend but no affection or interaction. I just left her alone but it's driving me nuts. We did have a small conversation but I don't think anything I said she cared to hear