Relationship Need Some Supporting Words

[inlove36]

I have been dating a man I am totally in love with for a year now. He had combat PTSD and was diagnosed many years ago. I was well aware of his PTSD as he is very open about it and did a huge amount of research online, with the help of this site and books that I ordered.

I have learned ways of pulling him out of his "dark" place on most occasions. He has trust issues from his past relationships and I just don't know how to get him to trust me. He is constantly "in a joking way" accusing me of cheating. I have sat him down a number of times and told him that it had to stop being thrown at me, and that he needed to trust me and let the past stay there.

The roller coaster ride I am on can be a sad place to be some days like this morning when he will not say I love you back, leaves without saying goodbye, and becomes very cold. I found through the months what works for him is if I say nothing and hug him like a kitten trying to fight his way away from me. Maybe I do it for myself, but he seems to sometimes pull back around quicker.
Any other advice out there of things that work for others??

 

[MSMiller]

I am married to a sufferer of combat PTSD and can identify with your experience.

It doesn't get better honey. It may become less frequent the episodes or it may become more regular. Not knowing if medication, religion, therapy, or alcohol are involved in your relationship I would have to say brace yourself. I know you love him and if you could take the pain away you would but you have to take care of yourself.

The Government agencies will do little to help you. We went to a couples retreat "PAIRS" - from the VA hospital which was helpful in giving us tools to better communicate with one another. Above all be honest with him and yourself. Some of the best advise another woman in our position gave me was to always say when and where you will be. Being dependable will help you both. Understand it is an illness and if he could help it he wouldn't behave the way he does at times. I sometimes just have to walk away from the behavior; I regularly schedule time that is just for me such as a massage or spa visit to unwind and clear my head. Reflect on the good times as a reminder and if nothing else I will reflect on when he wasn't in my life and how much I missed him being gone. Also in general most family and friends will not understand your choice to stay. You will feel lonely and he may be of little help to you, when you want to confide in him. Seek your peace of mind...

 

[inlove36]

Thank you MSMiller for your kind words of wisdom. I will use your advise and keep reminding myself of all the good (there is plenty more of the good times then the bad). My friends all think I am crazy for putting up with his behavior at all, but in my heart I know I am doing the right thing by sticking by the man I love

 

[MSMiller]

I stopped telling my friends anything. For the most part I don't spend a lot of time with them anymore. It is my choice. He says to do whatever I like...but it doesn't feel right to me anymore to hang out with them as frequently as I once had. I know they are there for me. When the heat gets too much for me I can hangout with them and they are ok if I don't feel much like talking about things. But I stopped sharing the intimate things of my relationship... I do not want them to ever be afraid of him coming around or anyone to feel uncomfortable.

Do what you think is best!

 

[kahlan]

You can't make someone trust you. Thats something they have to do on their own. That said I do understand how you feel. Its a difficult balancing act because the ptsd can either cause insecurities or exacerbate existing ones. I'm not a patient person but am learning how to be because of this very thing.

Just letting him know I love him even though it can hurt to not hear it back sometimes can help.

I wish you luck :)

 

[inlove36]

Thank you kahlan. I do always try to remember that he does love me even when he does not say it At that moment. I try to remember this is not his usual behavior and am lucky that we have large gaps in between bad days

 

[StarChild]

He is constantly "in a joking way" accusing me of cheating.

Hi @inlove36, welcome to the forum! For a better understanding of your message, would you mind, to give an example of what he says, when he accuses you "in a joking way"?

 

[EGL823]

My husband has undiagnosed combat PTSD and often has the same accusations for me, but never in a joking way and only after a substantial amount of alcohol. Just stay strong and know there are others out there dealing with the same issues. You're not untrustworthy, but no matter how hard you try to prove to him you are, the accusations will continue. Hoping yours and mine will get the help they deserve.

 

[inlove36]

An example of what he does is : When I don't answer my cell but see miss call just a cpl of minuets later and call him back he will say "What's wrong you had to get rid of the guy your with before you could answer" but laugh and continue on with his conversation. When I tell him to stop he says "You know I'm just joking", He has been divorced for 4 yrs and from stories he tells me he use to do the same thing with his ex-wife. (she cheated in the end)

 

[inlove36]

Thank you EGL823. Lucky for me there is not an alcohol issue. He has chosen food as his drug of choice so no drug or alcohol issues. We are working on the overeating issue now as it is producing serious health issues. I see I will never change his insecurity issues, as we have had long talks and he has made promises to end the joking but that usually lasts about 24hrs.

 

[Snowangel1225]

he tells me he use to do the same thing with his exwife. (she cheated in the end)

Because there is some truth to "the joke". This is not something a loving partner who trusts you says. The fact that he says it means that he is thinking it even if he tried to blow it off as joking.

I've been in relationships like that, and even though I wasn't doing anything wrong, I started modifying my behavior to "prove" to him I was faithful. I would jump to answer my phone even when it was inconvenient or rude to the person I was already talking with. I would go straight to appts and home without stopping for lunch or (God forbid) shopping because I knew he would comment that it took longer than normal and 'who did you stop to see?'. In short, I enabled his behavior by becoming codependent. (Codependency is a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another. It refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.) It's a hard habit to break if you are a people-pleaser and most of the time it happens surreptitiously enough that you don't even realize it is happening until you are deep into it.

One thing I read that keep reminding myself of..."The best proof of love is trust". It's true. You cannot have true love without the faith of trust. You can have obsession, passion, dependence, infatuation, fascination, preoccupation, etc, but not true, meaningful love.

As far as the ex-wife goes, after being accused for so long of doing something you aren't, you eventually give up and do it. You're already being punished anyway so what is the difference?