Undiagnosed Need Support Badly

[Antheia]

Hi there all

I have not been formally diagnosed, but recently realised I have been battling complex PTSD all my life. I had a traumatic childhood involving physical, emotional and sexual abuse and did not manage to get the help I needed back then.

I was let down so badly by psychologists that I do not trust them on any level and I don't believe in most of what they do. I work mostly on a spiritual, energy-body level and I hope there are others here who work in this way - I feel pretty alone, to be honest. I have joined this site because I really need some support and I would love to not feel quite so broken and alone.

I have worked on this stuff for decades, and sometimes given up and just gone into a sort of numb hibernation. I'm not sure which is best, trying hard to keep going, or giving up.

I mostly struggle with dissociation and negative thinking and I have very few real memories. I have 'snapshots' of things I know happened, but not associated with feelings or any senses. I suffer with depression and negativity and a lot of physical pain.

Part of my process of recovery is that I need to learn to stand up for myself and I am struggling to do that. Mostly because I have never learnt how to do it, and so when I do, it comes out all aggressive and angry. I hope I don't offend anyone. I am actually a very soft and sensitive person. :)

I'll be honest, I am struggling right now, and really need some support.

 

[barefoot]

Hi Antheia - and welcome to the forum! Sorry to hear what you've been through and that you're struggling at the moment.

Seems to me that you've opted to try hard to keep going instead of giving up and that's great - courageous, determined and strong.

I hope you'll find lots of support here - there are plenty of people here who are happy to listen and share, so do keep posting.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Hello. I have repressed memories also, and a general distrust for doctors, so I understand how you feel. I hope you find what you need here.

 

[WillyKat]

Welcome to the forum!

There's a reason why memories are foggy or non-existent. During a traumatic experience, the part of our brain that records events within the normal range (non-traumatic) is dialed down to maybe a 1; the part that handles fear and fight, flight, or dissociation, is dialed up to 11. It's fair to say we don't remember because the event wasn't recorded in the first place. That may be a slight exaggeration, because we do remember little bits and fragments.

My first two experiences with shrinks weren't very good. The first was an absolute disaster, and I stormed out of the office, and contemplated the 8th floor balcony on the building where my department was housed. (This was during grad school.) The second guy was better, but after a year of seeing him, things didn't really improve a lot, though I did manage to convince myself just the opposite.

So I understand your position that some shrinks suck. But they don't all suck; some are life savers. You may find that your opinion evolves over time. My third shrink did me worlds of good, as does the one I'm seeing now. Another huge help for me is spending as much time as possible out in nature. (I have a herniated disk in my neck this year so I haven't gone backpacking for over a year. That's changing in about 10 days!) Third: this forum!

One thing: your ID says Undiagnosed, but from reading your post, you say you have been diagnosed with C-PTSD.

In any case, there's lots of support here.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Welcome to the forum, I can relate to uk psychologists being unhelpful, they have not helped me at all so far and I've been in and out for six years. Rape Crisis have been the most helpful so far and this forum :hug:

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x

 

[intothelight]

Welcome and I hope you find the support here helpful.

 

[Antheia]

Thank you so much for all the hellos, guys.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi and welcome to the forum x ur experiences are v Similiar to mine x I'm full of anger too and come across as being v negative
But I'm also a very soft person inside and wouldn't harm a fly x you've definitely come to right place x everyone here is so lovely and v supportive x wish u all the best x