Need Your Opinion And Experience

[Danny]

Hi Inouk,

Thanks a lot for your thoughtful response and kind advice.
I am not sure that I understand all of it completely (sorry, English isn't my first language). But as far as the part about stopping and looking after myself, I have completely cut off all communication with this woman. I have changed my phone number and done all I can think of to avoid her. That's my best way of trying to prevent more negative things from happening and look after myself. I also try to eat well and healthy, exercise, see a psychologist and get out as much as I can bear. I don't see the aforementioned woman nor do I want to see her ever again. I see her in my nightmares (literally), but that's it.

I agree completely that everyone need to set some boundaries that work for themselves. I am still trying to figure out what more I can do to get better. Because I feel like I've done everything I can think of and I'm still having anxiousness, bad mood, unwanted memories, nightmares etc. But I'll just keep trying and hope that time will change things.

Thanks, Inouk.
Dan

 

[Inouk]

Dan - So glad to read you. You are brave and doing the right things. I'll share with you later on today a story that occcured when I was 31 years old. It's just that i need to go now but will return online. Take care Danny.

Inouk

 

[Danny]

Hi everybody,

I haven't read the forum for the last 4 months, but I wanted to return to write an update in case someone might search and find this thread in the future. Maybe someone will recognize something related to their own situation and wonder how things are working out regarding recovery.

So here goes:

I kept seeing the aforementioned psychologist once a week for about 3 months. I felt good knowing that this was a real attempt at getting better. But in fact things didn't really get a lot better. However I "got used to" how I was feeling and sort of acknowledged whenever I reacted in certain ways, so I guess things in some way got easier. But I was still very nervous, jumpy, in a bad mood, unhappy and had unwanted memories and thoughts (you could probably call them flashbacks) several times each day - especially when I was trying to sleep at night.
Finally I got the courage to talk to my boss at work. I told her that I was very stressed and seeing a psychologist etc., and I asked her if she thought that anything should be done work-wise. We agreed that I would begin working part-time instead of full-time for at period of time, and I did that for almost 3 months. That was nice, because it gave me an opportunity to sleep and go fishing without feeling guilty. Because of my stress I wasn't really focused in my work, so I would in reality still work almost full time, but I didn't get as much done as I normally would, which was fine because I was only paid for a part-time job. So all in all it gave me a little less to worry about, and I was happy to keep my job and not having to feel guilty not being able to perform as well as I used to do.

In this period of time I didn't hear from my ex-girlfriend. She was out there and she has kept going the places I used to go and seeing my old friends (except my 3-4 closest friends - they won't see her). So I completely stopped going these places in the city and communicating with these friends. It was very hard to tell them that I couldn't see them, but it has become a lot easier as time goes. And I know that it is an absolute necessity, because even thinking about them talking to my psychotic ex-girlfriend makes my heart beat (like some sort of anxiety). I don't want to speak with anyone who speaks with her, and I don't want to know what happens in her life. The mere thought makes me feel awful, and I am feeling it just writing this. I don't want to come near her - not even in a second degree through other people.

When my sessions with the psychologist were complete (I had booked a certain number of sessions) I chose to see another psychologist who is a trauma specialist. I have been seeing him 5 times now, and he seems really serious and professional. He is taking my situation very serious. He has actually worked with psychiatric patients at a mental institution for a decade, so he has a really good understanding of my ex-girlfriends behaviour. From her behaviour he is convinced that she exists in a grey zone in between schizophrenia and a borderline personality disorder. He calls it something which I don't remember, but what he says makes totally sense to me and shows me that my impression of my ex-girlfirned is probably pretty accurate and true.
The new psychologist is a bit more direct and old-school than the former psychologist. At one time he actually had me "talking to" my ex-girlfriend (she was represented by a pillow in a chair in front of me). I managed to get past the ackwardness and actually express my feelings and thoughts to a pillow. At another time he got me crying (which has happened a number of times in my sessions) by telling me that it wasn't my fault. I thought that I had accepted that nothing related to my ex-girlfriends condition is my fault and that I have done what I could. But I guess that he touched upon something there.
I am hoping that I together with the psychologist will be able to improve on my situation.
All in all I think that some things are better, but I am not totally sure how much of it is simply that I now know more about what is happening to me and how it affects me.
I am still having problems with a number of things, such as:
- Memories that pop up at different times (e.g. when I go to bed and when they are triggered by something)
- Bad mood and a feeling of unhappiness
- Thinking that I will probably never meet someone who is a sweet and normal person that I can feel safe with
- A bodily and mental feeling of stress, and difficulty concentrating 100% (the bodily feeling of stress is a lot better, probably because I try to keep healthy and practice yoga etc.)
- Being very alert of people when I walk on the street. Specifically I freeze and lock my gaze on anyone who looks a bit like my ex-girlfriend, until I am 100% sure that it is not her. It is ridiculous but I can't help it. At one point I even froze when seeing a guy with the same haircolour: For a couple of seconds I thought that it was her.

I have just returned to working full-time, and I think that I can manage. All in all I can manage all the things that I have to: I work, I eat properly, I watch movies with my friends, I sleep (although it takes a while to fall asleep) and so on. So in a way things are ok. I guess I live what you would call a normal life. But I am not happy, and I am not doing anything as well as I used to do. So I am still working on getting better and considering a number of different options. I am working on a project that ends in a year, and I don't want to leave the project because a lot of people are depending on me. But when it is completed I am still considering moving far away (at one point I even checked out how to join the French foreign legion; I know it sounds stupid, and I am not proud of it). I am of course afraid that I might still be having problems even if I move away to another country - I don't know. I am also troubled by the thought of leaving my family and beloved country. Almost every day I catch myself hoping to meet a sweet and loving person who would make me stay and just forget about the problems and focus on her and on our happiness. However I believe that I shouldn't think that way because first of all it is probably not realistic and second of all another person shouldn't be responsible for my happiness; I should be responsible myself.

Ok, that was a long post. Sorry. I don't expect anyone to reply - I just wanted to give an update in case anyone finds this post by searching. I have myself been searching for people with a situation like mine, so I guess it might happen. I haven't really thought throug what to write and what to leave out. So the above is just an honest and spontaneous description of my situation, my thoughts and my feelings.

Best regards to everyone
Dan

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Dan,

I just read your thread for the first time.
This really hits close to home, for me. I'm female, and yet I have been stalked by 2 people (both women).
One is (only) obsessive :p, the other is schizophrenic and homicidal. I was always gentle and kind, and she responded with a variety of ways to try to kill me. I understand you're feelings, distress, nightmares, etc...

It's horrible having someone like this in our lives!
The damage they do is more extensive than anyone can realize, unless they've been stalked, too.
I, too, gave up wonderful loved activities and friends that I enjoyed, because the stalker always went to the places I used to go and glommed onto every friend she knew I had.

I'm so glad you're working with a good therapist.
Please don't let this woman drive you away from your family and country!

A book that really helped me a lot is: "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.

Please keep coming back to write, to find support, to know we care, and that others are experiencing this, as well.
I care a lot!
With warmest wishes,
Deer

 

[Pink77]

Hi there,
I am really interested in hearing your non-professional (or professional) opinion about my current situation. I have of course seen a couple of professionals, but I would really appreciate your opinion because you have some actual experience with post traumatic stress.

Welcome to the forum Danny.

I'm sorry you went through what you did. I've experienced similar experiences as you of people threatening to commit suicide (actually cutting their wrists and telling our mutual friends, knowing it would get back to me) when I end our friendship. I asked my mutual friend if she had seen this girl's wrists. She said Yes. I asked what she saw, she said just scratches. I told my mutual friend that if this person felt our friendship was worth comitting suicide over, that's her decision. I'm not responsible for her actions. She was being manipulative. This woman who supposedly tried to cut her wrists came back into my life when my boyfriend (from the Navy) came home from a visit and was acting like we were friends again, when we weren't. So I had her pegged and knew what she was after. I was also a Big Sister and my Little Sister cut her wrists because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car and then almost got herself raped. We talked and I told her that was a stupid thing to do. Smoking in a car is not worth your life. She was surprised that she didn't get a rise out of me, but that is just what she wanted. I was trying to teach her her life is more important than a cigarette. (her situation was a little different). But it was still a manipulative act.

I also dated a guy that when everything was going fine, something disruptive on his side happened and he would admit himself into the hospital and call me from there, getting me all stressed out, etc. Then when he was out of the hospital, if he didn't get his way, he would threaten me. This went on for months and finally, at his lowest point, I realized he was manipulating me and I wasn't going to play his game again. And I walked away from the relationship. I couldn't take the stress anymore. We didn't talk for about 6 months and I told him all I wanted to be was friends because a lot has changed during that time. He didn't care to learn what changed with me. Well, within a week, he was up to his old tricks again of threats and using me for his own personal gains, so I kicked him out of the house and told him never to come back. I was abused by my ex husband for 20 years and vowed to myself that I wasn't going to go through that again by anyone - friend or lover. The ex-boyfriend became very nasty to me sending me awful and upsetting emails, he joined a bunch of social groups to keep me from joining them because he knew I loved the activity of the groups (photography). So, as to not let him "win", I didn't bother joining to give him the satisfaction. His name is not allowed to be mentioned in my home ever again. It is part of my healthy boundaries for myself.

There are some people out there that can't handle rejection and will play a nice person because they know they will do the "right thing" like you did. She manipulated you big time because she didn't want to be alone (it seems). I think she had some other psychological problems given everything she did with the lies, threatening to commit suicide, etc.

My experience with my ex-boyfriend brought back memories of my ex-husband and the flashbacks were hard to deal with, but I kept my counselor abreast of what was going on, as well as my best friend whose known me for 20 years.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. And yes, it was very traumatic. A woman cried "rape" against my ex-husband when he was in college, purposely ripped her clothes, called the cops and had him arrested. He wasn't even dating this woman. I warned my brother when he went off to school about women who take advantage of good guys like him and trying to get pregnant because he would do the right thing out of shock of being a dad. She played you well and she's good at it. I'm really sorry you experienced this. I don't like manipulators or passive aggressive people and I won't let them dictate how I'm going to live my life. We all have choices. And as cold as this may sound, if that girlfriend that I ended our friendship with really committed suicide over our friendship ending, I would not have felt responsible, because she chose it was that great of a loss. We weren't that close to begin with. She picked on my younger sister and fooled around with my boyfriend, so why should I have her in my life? We get to choose who we want in our lives (most of the time) and we teach people how we want to be treated, either by example or speaking with them. So, that's my five cents as a non-professional.

I hope I didn't come across too strongly. I've just had several people in my life manipulate me and my actions for most of my life, including family members, and I won't tolerate it anymore (once I figure it out). And once you figure out the "signs", it is very empowering to stand up for yourself and end it early on.

I don't know if this helped. And while I don't know if being labeled ptsd really matters. You were prey to a traumatic event over months by this woman that I'm sure has caused you trust issues and keeping your guard up wondering if she will turn up and possibly sleep problems. I'm very sorry you experienced it. It sounds like you are a very nice, caring person - and that's how they peg us.

Let me know how you are doing. Sincerely, Pink