Relationship Needing Some Insight Into A Potential Relationship

[Ali]

Laurie... In a few ways you are very lucky! He told you about PTSD in the beginning. Mine dropped his on my head in the middle of rainbow, sunshine and bluebirds! I was told by the awesome people on here we needed boundaries. When he was done isolating the first time during our relationship, stupid me never really approached he boundary issue. I was too ecstatic to have him back. I can't really offer advice.
I keep telling myself the same thing.."if I dont hear from him today its over!" but reality for me is it won't be. I can't move on. I can't move forward. I am in love with a man with PTSD, and at one point he was in love with me and then BOOM something happened, no warning, and he shut down again.
Our guys sound so very similar! I wish you the best of luck and a lot of patience. I don't think you need understanding.. you seem to be exceptional about that. ~Ali

 

[Laurie]

Aw thanks for your helpful insight Ali! /hug

These questions are a bit rudimentary I guess but here they go:

From your experience of him doing it before, what was the trigger or did he not discuss it?
What were the main signs to you that he was starting to isolate? Just complete avoidance?
How did he re-emerge?
Did you pick up where you left off, or did you have to work on building a "new" relationship?
Did you contact him daily or back off?

Since this is the first time it has happened I guess I am just blindly fumbling in the dark trying to figure out what to do and how to react. Although slightly naive, I really didn't think we would have this issue or that he would isolate. We had such a fun mixture of light hearted humor and romance and he was soooooooooooooo concerned about doing ANYTHING that could possibly make me want to leave. I guess I now understand this text message a little better : "You're perfect, Laurie. You can have anyone you want...you're a much better person than me. In my heart I want what's very best for you, I really do, and no matter what happens between us I hope that you always think positive about me. I love you" He sent me that few days prior to isolating.

I feel I am the reason he isolated and that hurts. Although I never asked that day, he told me a lot more than even he felt he should have. As soon as he finished the story he said "I shouldn't have told you that.." That coupled with throwing him out of his routine did it, I feel.

Then I have the thoughts of "what if this has NOTHING to do with PTSD and he just doesn't want to talk to you anymore?" I feel and *hope* that our friendship was strong enough for him to come out and say "hey I am just not that into you romantically" so that we both move on, instead of leaving me hanging. I would just be a bit abash (to say the least) if truly that is what was happening. Not sure how we would go from a nice day ending with him offering to cook for me soon and making certain future plans if he's just not that into me.

Then I am struggling with whether to cut off contact or keep sending texts. I called him at around 1am when I knew he was getting off work and he sent it to voicemail after second ring. I followed it with a text "I am always here for you, should you decide you'd like to talk to me again :) ".. nothing back. I think now I will give him the space over the weekend and not say anything.

I just can't help but worry that I am not being one of *those* girls who can't take a hint when a guy is no longer interested and I am attributing it to PTSD in order to justify his behavior. The only hint he has made has been avoiding any and all contact with me out of no where, unprovoked, after a great day together.

Bottom line is I miss him. I was willing to give up a lot for us, but I feel like I need to take this weekend and gain some clarity.

 

[Laurie]

But then a wave of anger and resentment comes over me in moments of weakness and I think "F him for b*tch buttoning me when I tried to reach out to him last night and F him for making me feel so insignificant." No doubt the man has been through some things and seen some things, but that doesn't excuse not being able to take 30 seconds in a 86,400 second day and say "i am alive, i will talk to you when i am ready".

 

[Ali]

Laurie,
Craziness!! Okay, 1 step at a time. Remember first and foremost that our guys are different even though they sound to be one in the same ;-) And this is how I handled it (with a TON of help from here). I can't give advice, but you are a very intelligent person.
His trigger... EVERYTHING! He told me once that he has seen and done some bad stuff. I know it is work related, but specifics he never gave and I never asked. Although he trusts me with his life, I believe this is a wound to his soul that needs to come out when he is ready.
Signs mine were shutting down... the texting slowed way down over the period of 2 days. And then, like I said, dropped a bomb on me. Paraphrasing his text, 'I am shutting down for a while, walls going up. I am sorry I love you.'
Scared, I google searched and found this. Immediately joined and wigged out on my first post. * to be honest~ wig out on most post lol*.
I decided to limit my text to 2 a day which was down from 300+ a day. I sent one in the morning simply stating "good morning~be safe" or something similar and one before I went to sleep. "Good night ". I never got a single response for 2 weeks.. or if I did it was not a "real" response. I felt by doing that he knew I was there, but not smothering him and I had not given up on him.
He re emerged out of the blue a phone call on a rainy Sunday afternoon. He was actually driving to see me and his car broke down. I was reduced to tears in the middle of a shoe store at a busy mall.. just the thought makes me tear up now. No text, no warning.. he simply said (paraphrasing) I had to see you and I was on my way and my car broke down.
Our relationship picked right up where it left off... minus the conversation we briefly discussed his PTSD. He asked if I could handle it and I told him yes, I think. I reassured him as long as we were honest with each other it could all work out.
This time is the second time for us. I havent sent him the 2 text a day as I did before. I tried to call him on Easter Sunday and he too sent it straight to vm and I followed up with immediate text. He responded in a foul fashion and I left it. He sent me a pm on FB (facebook) which I pasted below,that night saying he would talk when he was ready. Last Saturday he im me on FB telling me his soon to be ex was preggo. I am thinking that was a major ego blow. He shut down this time with a ton more of proverbial crap than the first, and karma just keeps shoveling morre crap on top.
~April 26 at 9:29pm

im going through a bunch of shit, be a friend. i cant do more, im done emotionally. give me time and i will talk ~
The above was sent to me..before the preggo ex wife issue... I can't figure out if it is the PTSD draining him emotionally or if he meant done with us forver.. I have no clue!!
I feel the exact same way... take 30 seconds out and give them to me.. but that is not the way they work when isolating.
I am going to copy and paste some of the best non advice I got. It helped me so much. I want to share it with you. Hang in there girlie.. who knows what will happen and when. ~Ali~

 

[Nicolette]

Laurie, I apologise for not being able to quote the text I am referring but I'm on a mobile & it's painful.

In answer to your questions, having 4 years & 2 months experience with PTSD, as a Supporter:

*Some PTSD symptoms are predictable, many are not;
*Time lines for isolation cannot be gauged or measured against others as there are too many variables;
*As much as you like to analyze things (I hate things which don't logically make sense) - logic or reasoning cannot be applied to PTSD symptoms & if you are so minded, it may drive you insane at times when it doesn't add up;
*If there are no boundaries a relationship with someone with PTSD can quickly spiral out of control leaving you feel lost.

Sorry I have to go; I hope I can get back to this.

Good luck.

 

[May1321]

I just can't help but worry that I am not being one of *those* girls who can't take a hint when a guy is no longer interested and I am attributing it to PTSD in order to justify his behavior. The only hint he has made has been avoiding any and all contact with me out of no where, unprovoked, after a great day together.

We've all felt this. The worse thing we can do is worry about it or over analyze but just learn as much as possible and I always think practice discipline vs. necessarily 'patience'. I think Ali had some great points with how she managed with her sufferer with the contact.

I was willing to give up a lot for us....

When I read this it literally stopped me in my tracks!

This is my advice so take it with a grain of salt from someone who has done this a few times in my life...

A) Think about what this means. No one should EVER "give up a lot" for someone else
B) If this guy cares for you, and is true to his PTSD, I also find it very hard to believe he would ever WANT you to do this.

What I've learned from the pushing away and the isolation is he's trying to 'protect' me from himself, or himself from something that takes him to a whole other level of stress... OR he's just not that into you.

Whatever it is, you need to take care of YOU first!!

What can YOU tolerate and as Nicolette mentioned, boundaries do you have for yourself. Don't give anything up.

((((Hugs)))) Laurie.

 

[Laurie]

Thanks everyone for your contribution in the thread. I thought I would update with being able to close this chapter and move forward. He still has not contacted me, however, Monday I found out he is married and has been since '05. He is a pathological liar and I feel I dodged a bullet. Thanks everyone.

 

[May1321]

Oooh! :( Sorry Laurie... but glad you can move on. That just makes me sick :(

 

[TryingHard]

I would say not. He seems to be perfectly content with the "arrangement", but you do not seem happy at all. You deserve someone who will make an effort to see you and follow through with it. *hugs*

I also find it very interesting that he's "missing" on Tuesdays. Does he work or go to school? Maybe those days are jampacked for him. ::Idunno::

RE: His "missing" on Tuesday-Maybe he's seeing a therapist and doesn't know how you'd handle that news. ??