Negative Coping Falling Away But Unhappy In A Different Way

[TeaLeaf]

I know I should be happier than I am. I rarely cope negatively anymore, I used to cut, escape into cybersex or drink and now I can get through my day in a fairly healthy way but honestly, I'm bored and getting kinda depressed about it. I'm actually working through one of my last negative coping mechanisms, overspending and shopping to escape my feelings. I know I am healthier but I feel like my life is a boring list of stuff I can't do because of the damage it will do to me in the long run.

I guess I miss the moments of excitement that I once had during the negative coping. Dealing with my feelings in reality is harder than I thought it would be. I used to look forward to the negative coping as a way to get through my day and now I don't have that. Since I am trying to get my spending under control, it limits things I would like to do.

Spending time with people is also less fun than I thought. I think I am so used to my mind being altered when I used to go out and have fun that reality has a hard time competing with it. I know I need to think about my interests and pursue that and it's hard to think about what I would like to do with my time when I don't know or it all seems so boring and flat.

I have had many years of therapy so I have gotten better at having healthy relationships with people. I realize though that it is hard for me to put in a 50/50 effort into relationships, I am so used to being taken care of in therapy or in my supportive relationships that I am sometimes at a loss for what I need to do in order to keep relationships fun and going strong.

Can anyone else relate? Any ideas for how to work through this and have a life that I want?

 

[bakergirl]

wow...never seen anyone write the exact thoughts and feelings that I go through daily...a breathe of fresh air really, although I have no advice, just wanted to say thanks for writing this today so that I could read and relate to:)

It's like once you get through one of your negative coping mechanisms you can't ever go back to it, strange as it sounds, you kind of morn the loss of thing you did to get through life. And now forge ahead into an unfamiliar territory of 'normal' lol

take care!

 

[Britt.f7]

Now you'll have to find new things to do. I'm discovering that myself. It is quite an adjustment. I know I'm healthier, still... I should be doing cartwheels, right? I think bakergirl is right, you mourn some of who you use to be. It isn't easy. Eventually, the healthier side will feel right and you won't long for the other part. Then you will wonder why you ever felt that way for the negative coping skills.

 

[Hashi]

I know I need to think about my interests and pursue that and it's hard to think about what I would like to do with my time when I don't know or it all seems so boring and flat.

I don't know whether you've ever done the kind of exercises they have in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy or in Smart Recovery. Things like thinking about your values and then thinking about activities that are in line with them - big and small.

I think when first moving away from negative coping, there can be a lot of focus on the smaller, immediate activities for distraction and keeping ourselves occupied. You've done amazingly well to get to the point where it sounds like you need something a bit bigger now. It's no longer just about distraction, there needs to be some more meaning.

I know you're talking about fun. For myself, thinking in terms of fun can get problematic when previously fun was associated with altering my mind. I'm not going to experience the same kind of immediate "fun" because it was a false sort of fun. Easy come, but very easily gone too. When I was drinking, how I saw it was: start point - drink - fun. Now it's more like: start point - build good friendship - spend time with friend - fun. Or start point - find interest - put time into interest - fun.

A big difference is that it isn't all about fun or no fun. As long as I'm with people or doing activites that are in line with who I really am, things are interesting and enjoyable all along. They're enjoyable in ways other than obvious and immediate fun. For that to happen, though, I need to spend time thinking about values and things that are meaningful to me. If I just look around at the kind of things other people do and pick something, the chances are it will feel flat and boring.

I think it's similar when we try to go back to things we enjoyed in the past but in fact we might have moved on from now. For example, I used to like making my own clothes. Later, I used to like decorating my home. Now, I would be bored doing either of those things, but the value which runs through them is creativity. The essential value is still there but the activities change. So I can find a new creative activity that's something I enjoy now.

A lot of people say they find meaning in activities that help others (or animals, or the environment). Personally, I find that tricky but I seem to be in the minority with that. Is there something along those lines that attracts you?

I am so used to being taken care of in therapy or in my supportive relationships that I am sometimes at a loss for what I need to do in order to keep relationships fun and going strong.

Do you mean the same relationships where previously you were being taken care of, or are you talking about new relationships?

 

[TeaLeaf]

I have a dialectical therapy skills workbook, I am going to go back and look at that regarding values. I honestly don't know what my values are. I like tea, yoga, nicely crafted clothing and shoes, travel and dining out but those aren't values, they are things I'm interested in. I've tried volunteering before and found that to be really difficult, I am honestly not a people person and felt stressed by the forced interactions.

Regarding relationships and being taken care of, I am talking about both past and present relationships. I've realized that I didn't have healthy relationships until I went to therapy and I feel like I often enjoy my therapy time more than time with peers. I think this has to do with it being all about me during therapy time (one sided relationship) and I am still learning to put forth effort to connect with and get to know others. I easily find criticism for other people and I know part of that is because my trust was broken so badly as a child that it is hard for me to trust others and be vulnerable with them. My long term relationships are improving and my new relationships are different and more healthy. Its all new terrain for me because I am no longer altered with alcohol or numbed with antidepressants.

I feel so positive about the people on this forum and enjoy connecting in this way. People here are wonderful and part of that is that they really get the affect PTSD has on me and I don't have to spend oodles of time laying the groundwork to describe a big part of me. Thank you bakergirl, brit and hashi for the kind words.