WillyKat
Diamond Member
Not sure if this belongs in the Relationships forum or not. Moderators, please move if necessary.
...
This is going to be embarrassing but thankfully, I'm not using my real name here.
Back in high school, I fell in love with a girl (sort of; I'll explain later) that would fuel both positive and negative fantasies ever since. To make a very long story short, I believe she falls somewhere on the dissociative spectrum (possibly DID), but that's what I think now. Back then, she was a compulsive liar, a game player, or something. She'd enthusiastically agree to date me, then stand me up, repeatedly. Deep inside, she represented what I desperately needed in my life: someone to protect me, care for me, to give me what I didn't get when I was six. So when I say I fell in love with her, its true, but unlike other girls in high school and since, I rarely thought of her sexually.
I gave up dating her early on because it nearly drove me to suicide, or rather was nearly the final straw. But even just trying to be friends she'd behave the same way. It got so bad that we didn't speak for 12 years. I contacted her again after such a long period when we were both married. She would agree (with warmth and enthusiasm), tell me I was her "best buddy" but just like when she was 17 would blow me off. Never an apology nor an explanation. Just vanish. The last time this happened, she warmly volunteered her cell phone number (I didn't ask and wasn't going to), which turned out to be disconnected.
Now we're not speaking again and its been about 5 or 6 years. I'm at a stage in my recovery where I'm pretty sure I'll never initiate contact with her again. And I think she's incapable of initiating contact. But I keep ruminating about running into her, running through my mind how a conversation might go. Sometimes it starts off pleasant, sometimes not, but it always ends badly.
Does anyone else have negative fantasies like this? Ruminate over the same thing and it always sucks? Yeah I get it. It's related to not getting something I desperately needed when I was a little kid. But knowing that, I still find myself drifting off into this same damn thought pattern over again. Its not that I hate the woman; I actually care very much, but I would like to kick her out of my head.
...
This is going to be embarrassing but thankfully, I'm not using my real name here.
Back in high school, I fell in love with a girl (sort of; I'll explain later) that would fuel both positive and negative fantasies ever since. To make a very long story short, I believe she falls somewhere on the dissociative spectrum (possibly DID), but that's what I think now. Back then, she was a compulsive liar, a game player, or something. She'd enthusiastically agree to date me, then stand me up, repeatedly. Deep inside, she represented what I desperately needed in my life: someone to protect me, care for me, to give me what I didn't get when I was six. So when I say I fell in love with her, its true, but unlike other girls in high school and since, I rarely thought of her sexually.
I gave up dating her early on because it nearly drove me to suicide, or rather was nearly the final straw. But even just trying to be friends she'd behave the same way. It got so bad that we didn't speak for 12 years. I contacted her again after such a long period when we were both married. She would agree (with warmth and enthusiasm), tell me I was her "best buddy" but just like when she was 17 would blow me off. Never an apology nor an explanation. Just vanish. The last time this happened, she warmly volunteered her cell phone number (I didn't ask and wasn't going to), which turned out to be disconnected.
Now we're not speaking again and its been about 5 or 6 years. I'm at a stage in my recovery where I'm pretty sure I'll never initiate contact with her again. And I think she's incapable of initiating contact. But I keep ruminating about running into her, running through my mind how a conversation might go. Sometimes it starts off pleasant, sometimes not, but it always ends badly.
Does anyone else have negative fantasies like this? Ruminate over the same thing and it always sucks? Yeah I get it. It's related to not getting something I desperately needed when I was a little kid. But knowing that, I still find myself drifting off into this same damn thought pattern over again. Its not that I hate the woman; I actually care very much, but I would like to kick her out of my head.
