Childhood Neglect

[sugnim]

Hello--I'm pretty new to this forum, so please forgive me if I'm not posting things in the fashion that folks are used to here.

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I've been trying to understand and accept this, although I am having a hard time with that. When I read about PTSD, I see that there is an "event" or "occurrence" that triggers PTSD. I don't really have that. My shrink says it is from my childhood. While I was growing up, I was isolated and neglected. I was made to stay home alone while my mother worked from the age of 5. When my mother, and eventually my step dad, were home, I was made to stay either in the garage or my bedroom. I was frequently "grounded" for tiny things, which meant I was to stay in my room with no interaction except for school. I did not have many friends, and I was not often spoken to by my parents for several days in a row. When I was in high school, I had to steal money and/or get a job to buy food, school clothes, etc. I was kicked out the day after I turned 18 and finished high school while living alone in a tiny, illegal, single room apartment with no sink, stove, phone, or mail and I worked full time. My mother was an alcoholic, and my step dad may have used cocaine in addition to alcohol. He is now dead, so I can't be sure about anything with him. In my first apartment, I was scared and lonely all the time. I eventually worked my way through college and got good grades, even though I was constantly afraid, abused marijuana, developed migraines and chronic stomach issues. Today, I'm a mess. I have a rotten temper, I'm mean, I'm jumpy and afraid, I can't relate to people but I also can't handle being alone. I'm afraid of messing up my marriage and my son. I cope by eating, smoking weed, playing music, sex, running. I'm a professional, but I know if my colleagues and clients saw who I really was, I would be shunned and fired.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Greetings, Sugnim!
You did really well for a first timer! Welcome to this special place of comfort and help, compassion, and understanding!

Reading about your childhood, I understand why you would now be having trouble. You were not validated as a person, or someone who was loved. We learn about love by being loved most of the time. I can relate to not being talked to. You raised yourself, received no comfort, and didn't learn the language of love. So now, as an adult, the stuff that you were able to suppress, is surfacing to be healed. It takes work, and time with a therapist, and learning not to be hard on yourself. What happened was not your fault, nor did you deserve that treatment!

Your post wasn't all that long, and you stated everything quite well. I coped with marijuana for 40 years, and quit mainly because my BFF moved away, and my friendships were different and it was just time. I believe it should be as legal as alcohol, and regulated the same. For adults. There ARE medical benefits, and it's time for those to be explored.

I'm sorry your past has come up to now create havoc, but you CAN heal, and learn to 'manage' your symptoms. I take medications and have a wonderful therapist, and I have my faith. I have finally learned to give myself 'grace and forgiveness' because I did the best I could with what I had.

Blessings to you, and welcome!!!
:hug::hug: Here are a couple hugs to encourage you!!!
AKJ

 

[Chava]

It might be helpful to look up some stuff on developmental trauma and understand it from that angle. I did have some early life-threatening stuff and later abuse and assault, but through therapy it has been clear that probably a major player in my issues is the lack of connection. I also was left alone, not talked to. My mom was not well and I believe I was even a strong trigger for her. I learned how to disappear around her. As an adult, connecting with others in any kind of meaningful way is probably my biggest or most "stuck" challenge. My awareness of it doesn't seem to help me much.

Kids do need a trusted connection with an adult in order to feel safe. As a little kid, your survival depends on that. So abandonment and neglect are very harmful to young children. Early on, our nervous system is actually wired in response to feeling safe, protected, and cared for...if basic needs are not met, we can become hypervigilent and confused from early on. And lacking a sense of connection, for me, simply makes me feel non-human, ungrounded, and easily dissociative.

Our early connections also determine how we will relate to others in adulthood. I don't know a lot about this stuff, but for my own stuff I know reading "Healing Developmental Trauma" by Laurence Heller was really helpful, though I think he was mostly addressing early childhood (before about age 4)...though given your memories from age 5 on, I would be surprised if you have a reliable and safe connection to your mom before then...though possible, I suppose. But abandonment, neglect, and isolation through any part of childhood is really damaging. I don't think there is a perfect label for that yet. But if you've been diagnosed with PTSD, it might be helpful to read up some on the developmental trauma perspective (also proposed "Developmental Trauma Disorder").

Welcome!

 

[ground crew]

I had multiple traumas before the age of six plus mom had rage issues (her childhood no doubt) and had a cold judgmental parenting style. Your post sounds like my experience.