Nervous Newbie

[Lisa]

Hi Everyone,

I've been coming here on and off to read around. Today I realised that I do this at times when I felt I want some support from somewhere others understand, but didn't quite feel brave or deserving enough somehow to sign up. When I signed up I wanted to pick a name that felt safe as I find the effects of abuse has caused me to feel so unsafe in the world. So, for anyone who's seen Finding Nemo, I picked the character Dory from there because she is so dippy and makes me smile because she reminds me of myself sometimes! :)

I've suffered the effects of PTSD for a long time due to my childhood and multiple trauma's, but it basically all began with my family and all forms of abuse that I went through there. I always knew I was sexually abused when I was very young. But the memories are dissociated and fragmented and I never knew who. My memory of my earlier years wasn't much better. At times I thought myself crazy for that.

For the sake of transparency, I am a member of the ptsdforum, although I have not been active for quite some time now due to having a break down over two years ago now. The odd thing about the break down is that I find there is a strange feeling that the person I was before the break down is a distant memory? So much of me was not me. So much of me was being driven by the effects of my past. It's a sad feeling.

The break down was triggered by years of denial and then bits of information leaking out from my mum that turned my world upside down. Basically through my mother I learned that I was born into and raised around a bunch of lies. My life and understanding of it was designed around these lies. Lies which were there to keep serious family secrets, which ultimately gave me the message that it is completely and utterly impossible that I could have ever been sexually abused at all, ever; and most certainly not by anyone within the family. That would bring up the secrets before me. And secrets must not come out. Unless I want to be murdered, of course. So, if there was anything that said otherwise it was simply unthinkable and not to be considered to be true. It's too complicated and convoluted to go into right now, and I'm still struggling to come to terms with and make sense of a lot of it. In some ways, it's much bigger than the early childhood sexual abuse. In other ways, it's all about and around that. It's still frightening and painful to go against my family by talking to anyone, and to consider that it is not me who is crazy and that I have these memories because they happened. It is like I can only have the truth in complete secrecy. When it comes to speaking, in therapy or here today... I feel frightened and like I'm doing something unforgivably and life threateningly wrong. I'm saying things I'm not allowed to think let alone say. Selfishly, I'm hoping somebody here can understand this... and I'm hoping that I can speak here and not run away just because I feel I shouldn't be talking. That is them controlling me and that is what I am trying to overcome.

I now understand much more and I am committed to looking after myself and overcoming the years and years of being controlled, abused, raised and kept in silence, confusion, and denial. Because it has taken me two years since then to get back to feeling sane and able to function and I don't want to ever let my family's brainwashing take me into that state again. This is my life, my mind, my body, my past, my present and my future and it belongs to me. I am in the process of finding what is mine and reclaiming it as mine, and finding what is theirs and leaving that with them, and moving on and making a life for me. I'll do whatever it takes to achieve that. But I feel very small sometimes and would like a place that I can trust to be supportive, where I can hopefully be of some use to others too.

The odd positive about this is that my PTSD symptoms are now much better than they were in the years that eventually lead to my break down. I think that is because I am now dealing with the core issues which I had avoided because I didn't understand what was going on for so long. It is like although I don't want to believe some things, I can't deny that for the first time in my life at least some things are beginning to make sense.

I hope this isn't too long...

Thanks

DippyDory!

 

[leanne1321]

Hi DippyDory (I love Dory in Finding Nemo!)

Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us. Unfortunately, I'm sure you'll find others like yourself, but it makes the world a little less lonely!

Take care

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello, and welcome to the forum :wave:

 

[Lucycat]

This is my life, my mind, my body, my past, my present and my future and it belongs to me.

Absolutely! Well said.... oh, and welcome to the forum!

 

[anndeb]

Yes indeed you are the one who can own and run your life .. not the lies from before. Unfortunately I can relate all too well to your sense of unreality and fears of talking about the truth. It will get better as you take those little steps (and big ones too, like writing this post!) .. steps forward, sometimes two steps forward and one back. But that is ok, that how we can learn and progress in our lives. What happened to us truly sucks but life can be good for us too, I know that and I believe it can be for all of us. May we all heal. And welcome! :hug:

 

[Nyx]

Welcome, Dory! I hope now that you have introduced yourself you find the courage to speak up and let yourself get the support you need.

Take care.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the Forum, Dory!

I, too, really like the movie Finding Nemo. It is one of the movies which was analyzed in depth within the Society for Disability Studies when it came out and fared so well. Dory was definitely one of my favorite characters.

No need to be nervous about joining. I find the group of people here extremely gentle and supportive. I hope that you find it the same way. Feel free to join in conversations as you wish and feel free to ask questions about anything. Of course any kind of wisdom and support are always welcome as well as I have the feeling we are all trying to make sense out of our extremely confusing experiences.

It sounds like maintaining boundaries in particular with your family are difficult. Boundaries are definitely my biggest weakness. I respect other people's, but for the life of me cannot establish my own. According to my therapist this is common among people who have been sexually abused. Common or not it makes me fearful of most people and I try my very best to keep people at a certain distance.

This is my life, my mind, my body, my past, my present and my future and it belongs to me. I am in the process of finding what is mine and reclaiming it as mine, and finding what is theirs and leaving that with them, and moving on and making a life for me.

I love this statement and might just have to memorize it for now. Maybe with some learning about the details what it means and how it applies to me, I might learn to apply it to myself. I'm impressed with your wisdom... As you can see, I'm still very much at the beginning of my journey.

I'm sorry about the breakdown, but I definitely know what that feels like. My sympathies... I'm glad to see that you're doing better and are back on the forums. I took a break from the PTSD forum as well, although in my case I have no real reason why. Some of the things I do or do not do are a mystery to me. Then when I was ready to return I found this sweet little gem. For me both of the forums are important. I learn a lot from both, just in different ways...

Welcome back in general, and welcome to this safe space in particular! I hope you find it helpful, too.

Take care!

 

[Lisa]

Thank you for the warm welcome :) I feel the positive and less lonely already!

annadeb, you are spot on. I felt like I was taking a huge step in writing the post in the first place. I'm expecting that each post will involve facing fears until it eventually subsides, but i also know from previous experience with the ptsdforum that the support through these forums is invaluable, and that the pay off is having a healing experience.

DeafGlobalNomad, for me it was the same in that when I was ready to go back to the ptsdforum, I saw this! Yes I'm very similar in that I am good with others' boundaries but not so much with my own! I've done a lot of work on this in therapy. For my family, it is difficult. However, after I found out my dad raped my mum and regularly threatens it to this day in order to get what he wants (money for drink), I told my mother that I'm cutting him out of my life and won't be returning to my parents' house again. I had plenty of reasons to put that boundary there for myself alone, yet it was my anger at finding out about him sexually abusing my mother which enabled me to put that boundary down. Anyhow, there are still many issues in the family that I have to work my way through (ie. I am sworn to secrecy about the rape so my brothers' don't know, and this has felt impossible to cope with in their company, so I have also distanced from my brothers. Not that we are close anyway. But if I were to say anything, she would do what she's always done and tell them that she has no idea what I'm on about. So my hands are tied and now I have her secrets to look after as well as my own. Or, I suppose, they are HIS secrets really.)

Anyway, I'm at risk of telling all my woes right now so I will stop there! The part I wrote about finding what belongs to me and what belongs to them is about responsibility, blame, shame, guilt. It's also about what thoughts and beliefs about myself and the world are mine and what are originally theirs. It's also about my sexuality being mine, and although it was always for others to take, I have to learn that it is really there for me and it is not meant to be for others to take. It's about the right to make decisions about my life being mine to make, and the right to having my feelings (which I was never allowed). I can speak about it... but I'm finding that putting it into practise takes time and patience with oneself!

Anyway, thank you again all of you for the welcome :wave:

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

It's also about my sexuality being mine, and although it was always for others to take,

Dory, wow, this is probably the statement that sums up my struggle the best I have ever seen. I have yet to figure out the details of my own sexuality and for sure how to claim my own sexuality, whatever it may be. As feeling sensations (physical or emotional) is one of the most difficult things for me.

I just recently had a great discussion with my therapist about sexuality and how the abuse may have affected it. It seems to be a common struggle among people who have been abused. The concept of attraction means little to nothing to me. The thought of someone touching freaks me out (that includes a friendly touch on the shoulder). I definitely have a really long way to go in therapy and anywhere else to figure out what I want and how to express it. At the moment I don't have much hope on every being able to enter a relationship that is not solely brain-based and includes anything physical. On the other hand being alone for the rest of my life also does not sound like too great of an outlook. So, I really don't know...

 

[Muzikluvr]

Welcome to the forum Dippy Dory!

Boy do I understand lies, family secrets and denial... I'm just becoming familiar with the idiosyncrasies of denial. It's interesting to me how my family took cues from me and changed what they said or how they expressed themselves so that my alarms would stop going off. I suppose it is part of communicating in person, and the reason that I refuse to speak to them again without at least recording what they say. My brain lets them correct themselves when they slip, but the recording will remind me that they know more than they will admit to me.

I hope you find this to be a place where you can put down those secrets, come to understand it all and move forward with life as it is.

 

[Lisa]

Deaf Global Nomad... Sexuality is a really difficult issue.

I really struggle with sex and sexuality. I was celibate and single for YEARS because I wrote myself off. I TOTALLY relate to "the concept of attraction meaning little to nothing" to you, because I am the same. I have never been attracted somebody based on their looks. But I did fall in love with my best friend and the only sexual attraction I have ever had now have goes towards him. And this relationship began initially as solely 'brain-based' too! But I have a long way to go on the sexuality side and, much to my partner's dismay, the advise is to work on my sexuality alone first!!! :eek:

Just don't write yourself off. Keep an open mind and let it remain possible that you could find a soul mate, with or without sexuality being a part of it. And that with or without a partner, let it remain possible that you could have your sexuality belonging to you. I think those two things are absolutely essential, because if you write yourself off completely in that way... you potentially close down all possibilities.


Muzikluvr.. Hi !

I think it says a lot that your family took cues from you to change what they said to stop alarm b ells - come to think of it, I see my family do that a lot. I really hate being manipulated like that, it's an awful confusing place to be if you apportion any trust to people being like that. That's how I found it anyway and it sounds like you did too.

I record what my family have said to me at times... otherwise I get sucked in. Seeing things written down has a really clarifying aspect to it.

I'm so glad to be here and be understood, and be around people who know what this is like.

Thank you for the welcome :)

 

[Kay C]

Hi Dory! Welcome to the forum. I'm pretty new here too, but have found everyone to be incredibly supportive and it is such a relief to have a place where I know people understand what I'm going through.

I hope you will find it helpful to break the code of secrecy in this safe, supportive environment.