Never Leave A Fallen Comrade?

[Army Doc]

I need some help here. After my last deployment I was medically retired for various physical and mental injuries. You know the deal PTSD/TBI. Once "Home" I struggled with everything. Couldn't get it out of my head. My beloved Army threw my broken ass away like a piece of trash. My wife of 14 years calmly told me she wanted a divorce. She explained to me that I was not the person she married, that I was no longer human. I got it. I was retired because I could not physically do my duties. My wife put up with the madness of a Combat Vet. The rage, nightmares, drug, alcohol, abuse, insomnia, fear, suicide attempt, etc. I got it. But God I felt so abounded. Then the VA game, I don't need to tell you folks about that. I walked away so alone, so f*cking angry. It never f*cking crossed my mind to leave one of my Soldiers. Not once. I thought that's the devotion we would get as well. I saw so many give so much. So I left my home and got a little apartment, no furniture, just a sleeping bag and numbed it. The Demon and fought it out with Vodka and Opiate as my sword, he Demons only laughed. The days turned to months, another suicide attempt, a near fatal overdose an arrest (my first ever) and why should I care? No one cared about me, they walked away when it got hard. A buddy of mine came and took my ass to the VA. As I sat across from the Doc daydreaming how surprised he would look if I shot him in the face, something caught my attention. He had an accent and said most of the "Soldiers" he sees day in and day out are assholes. He explained that as a teenager he fought in the alleys and streets of Poland as the Government was overthrown. Molotov Cocktails VS T-80s. He explained that if another asshole tries to explain how they have PTSD while serving in Thailand, or because a mortar round hit their FOB while they were sleeping and their air conditioner didn't work for a week he "Vould hav give this guy a choke". He had my attention...Detox, rehab, 4 months inpatient counseling, TBI clinic. My buddy and I went and bought furniture for my apartment. I dug up My Baseball memorabilia. I proudly framed my Joe DiMaggio autograph and hung up the stuff I collected in another life as a golf processional. I hiked in Europe, cooked out on the weekends watching football with boys, chased the trout with my fly rod, Skiiing in Jackson Hole. And then I met her. Big brown eyes and a smile that wrapped me In that thing I forgot about, love. One we kissed and went to my room and she said what is that? I told her it's an army cot and my old sleeping bag from Afghanistan. She said "Oh". Well I made the leap and bought a bed. She came over with my first set of sheets in years. Egyptian cotton she said. I said "OH". The thing is, the Meds I was taking made impossible to be Casanova. Of she thought it was her. So I slowly stopped taking them. Things were great. I was was happy, really happy. In her arms sleep came and the Demons were defeated. As you all know, they weren't defeated, they were regrouping. I was cured, I won. Slowly the nightmares started. The paranoia, the rage. But I was happy I could handle it. Few drinks to relax at night. No one even noticed. I made new friends, good people. We did Family things but Demons were stalking me. The drinking got heavier to keep them away. First real outburst and hugged me and I promised to never drink Vodka again. She said it made me mean. The laughed and I had to hide the Vodka and the lies started. Slowly things started to get out of control and the drugs started. I hid it well. I could control it. The Demons laughed as lies mounted. It all culminated in a terrible night of MADDNESS. She told me I had to leave. If her X found out I was using drugs he could possibly my take her son's away. I'm not gonna get into what happened that night but I was not the only one doing drugs. But that's what she was told. And she believed them. Why wouldn't she, I'd already lied. All the drugs were mine she was told. That's not what happened and that's were the fury starts. No one will listen to me. I told her I wad wrong, I made mistakes, but the whole truth wasn't out. No one will listen. She told me to go. Here I am again. Alone, abandoned homeless in a a hotel with the fury. I need help guys.. I told her I lied, I made bad decisions. But her and her friends just threw me away. Told me to never contact them again. The good times, the happy times forgotten. I need to know from you guys if I'm wrong to feel like when thing got tough the people I love just quit. Feed back please.

 

[Spock]

Self medication is a primary issue for most, especially before they figure out they need treatment. We lose most folks this way. They never get past that point. Stop getting f*cked up. Stop self medicating. Most of these issues you'd have without PTSD. How are you gonna deal with the demons while you are wasted. You can't even figure out what to deal with while you are wasted. That's why the doc put you in rehab before therapy. Never stop meds on your own & at your own pace. Stop the shit. Regroup yourself and outflank the demons.

 

[Friday]

The first time people you love have to protect themselves from you hurts like f*ck.

I can blame them for not being strong enough, I can burn the whole goddamn world down in rage, I can blame myself and try to die... Or just say f*ck the blame, and sort shit out.

Last one's the hardest. But the twelfth time people have to protect themselves from ya hurts as much as the first. And it's the only way I know of to stop hurting people. Even dying doesn't stop hurting people. It just stops me having to see them hurt.

 

[Spock]

Even dying doesn't stop hurting people. It just stops me having to see them hurt.

That is one fantastic quote!

 

[Army Doc]

I understand the series of bad choices I made. I also understand how alcohol/drugs have multiplied my symptoms at best. The false belief that I feel better I no longer need meds was a terrible idea. Also I should have went to the Doc and explained that the Meds were effecting my Sexual health and explored an alternative. However I still can't wrap my head around the fact that there seems to be this limit. This cut off point where you are no longer worth the investment, and your on your own. There were circumstances that existed I cannot write about in an open forum. I was not the only wrong doer in this terrible mess. I want to trust, I want to love. Is it to much to ask to be loved as much as I love. To give as much as I give. Or if there is a next time should I just say "I love you so much, or until it gets hard" . Then your on your own. You know what, f*ck it. It's really not even worth the disappointment.

 

[JarHed]

Sadly, we can't change the past. Or make right what was wrong. We can, however, change the future. When you can get to the point that you and only you can truly embrace that, you'll move forward and do what's needed to help yourself get better. It's certainly no consolation to know that probably all of us have walked that path but we have.

Try and think of what you want your life to be in 5 years and work toward that. There are always choices; they are always hard.

Jar

 

[Army Doc]

Sage advice one and all. And it means the world to me coming from you guys. I've put in a packet for a PTSD program with the VA. I will work on finding a way to fight the Demons. Guess now I'll trade in the Vodka and Dope for the VAs dope. As for relationships, second chances and all that bullshit. I'll get my cot out with my old fart sack. Who needs Egyptian Cotton anyway.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

My first suggestion my Brother is SLOW DOWN. Progress in all of this takes time, lots of time.

I know this sounds crazy, but you're moving ahead right now. The mistakes you make are part of the path back. You'll make lots of them. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THOSE MISTAKES!!!!!

Don't fight the demons. They're part of you, and you can't slug it out with yourself and win. It's very hard to accept what you don't understand when the world is crashing down around you. As your world crumbles you'll hit rock bottom more than once. UNDERSTAND THIS. WHEN YOU'RE AT THE BOTTOM, AS LOW AS IT GETS. THAT'S NOT THE END. IT'S THE BEGINNING. That's when you take the baby steps that make a difference.

Arizona sunsets are the most beautiful in the world. Spend some time just looking at one. THAT'S A BABY STEP. And there are countless others. They won't seem like much at the time. But, they add up, and make a difference. They're your path back.

SD

 

[atilla]

SD is spot on Brother. You have to embrace the beast, yet keep a tight grip on the leash, and enjoy the little things. Like SD said slow down and take a minute.

 

[Army Doc]

Oh I've embraced the beast. I'm having spells of uncontrollable weeping and then rage. The only reason I'm still here is the thought of my f*cking mother being a myrter gives me just enough hate, just that little bump my body needs to go on. The soul is gone. Only a body animimatd with hate and rage. A dangerous, well trained puppet. And my X girlfriend cares about me and will pray for me she said. How f*cked up we must be as humans when you put your faith in some myth of a person you can't touch or even prove exists. All you have to do is give that same faith, that same loyalty to your neighbor.

 

[Army Doc]

Man I just went for a walk to cool down. Cause you know I'm spilling my guts here and the advice I'm getting is watch a sunset. Are you ducking joking! A sunset. What the duck is that but another day of hate. And finally it's dark and my head stops hurting. A sunset, what in the he'll does that have to do with anything.

 

[Grizzly]

The sunset is a tool. It's really just an example of something to temporarily take you mind off of of what's going on. What kind of advice are you looking for? This is a place for support rather than therapy. Even though knowing your same thoughts and feelings are shared can be therapeutic. SD is giving you an example of what helps him.