Never Settled - Ptsd

[Etah]

I realize now more than ever how lost I think I am and how evil to myself I am. I hate myself after my abuse and think that I'm a piece of ****. I've never been a strong believer in therapy.

• My first therapist closed the door on me literally and called me weird.
• My second one called me and said "you are not worth it" and told me to find another T.
• My third one called me a liar.
• The one after that was good to me for one year and then called me annoying because I had too much to talk about.

My new T now that I found a month ago? Her personality brightens my mood and she's cheerful and positive and she remembers the little things I tell her about me that even I don't remember. She seems to genuinely care and that frightens me. Like the person who abused me, what if she ends up doing the same? I've always been frightened of therapists, especially my current T. Well, I'm not so much scared as I am so comfortable that that scares me. She's kind and I don't think I deserve it. What's more, though, is that as soon as I start feeling better, I start feeling bad again and my symptoms worsen the harder I try. I have most of the symptoms of DID but I haven't yet talked to her about it. My only fear with that is, what if that changes the way she looks at me and treats me? I'm finally in a place where I can trust someone; ask for help. But if that changes, I fear I'm just never going to go back and live life with symptoms without any guidance. I have it deeply embedded that those therapists were right and so was the person who drugged and abused me that I never think clearly about myself. I'm conflicted as to what I can do.

Has anyone ever had a therapist like my new one? Cheerful, positive, makes you feel cared for? And did that change, when you told her about things like DID symptoms or any other worsening symptoms?

 

[Vejub]

Yes! I had a therapist like that! It took a loooooong time to really trust her and trust therapy too, but she is the one that really helped me.
I went to a couple of shonky ones before her too, and yes I think they actually caused more damage.
I did not disclose more than I felt ready to disclose - a little bit at a time - till the trust grew enough that I could tell it.
One of the shonky ones taught me that. I didn't really trust her from the get go and didn't really understand therapy so I just tried to say everything even though I felt no trust and scared myself.
She threw back judgment at me and I tried not to go back, but she insisted ( I realise now that was probably because she'd broken all the rules of therapy and had been told to get me back in)
I went back one last time and talked of the weather etc. she never brought it up and not did I.
It was confusing and put me off talking to anyone for a few years! And I paid for that horrible experience!
not all therapists are good at it, but if you find one that feels comfortable just work on building trust.
It's not really about them liking you, more about feeling understood and able to trust.
Good luck!